Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

Why are your plans more important that his? You need to tell your friends you cant do that week.

You have already affected a holiday he had booked by making him cancel because of your friend.

You come across as very entitled!

You say the dates are convenient for everyone else but they aren’t for you, so rather than asking them to think of another date instead you’re trying to force your husband and his brothers to change a pre booked trip. Selfish. And no backbone with friends so taking it out on husband?

Dates often clash when there are a group of people so sometimes not everyone can go. Just like when youre husband couldnt go to the thing he had to cancel for you and your friend.

Just suck it up. Don't be so entitled!

OP hasn't said what the emergency was, and i assume her DH also thought it was serious enough that he agreed to change his plans but i've a feeling he's still sore about it, and now you want him to change his plans again he's dug his heels in.

Don't blame him, tbh. It's not just his plans, assuming his brothers work they'll have to rearrange leave, and might not be able to. Or want to. Your wants don't override theirs OP.

Then looks like you and your husband will be paying for a holiday you cannot go on if he chooses his camping trip instead.

Perhaps next time you have a meeting and ask him what dates he is booking for next 12 that you cannot use?

or perhaps you as a family can pay for a nanny to cover the slot?

After reading all the above, disappointing as it will be, sometimes we simply can’t have what we want. The world won’t stop turning if you don’t go on holiday with your friends. It may well be time to reassess what’s really/more important in your life ie friends or your husband.

Good grief. He gave up his long-planned importnat event so you could give support to your friend - that was amazingly supportive of him. And now you're whingeing because he and his father and brothers won't rearrange their holiday - organised before yours - to suit you and your friends. You don't deserve him, OP, and it sounds like he's beginning to think the same way.

2 things OP expected to happen….

1. her DH to back down
2. everyone on this thread to agree with her!

That's one person accounted for. What about your husband and his brothers. Do none of them work or have children?

Your friend group can
. go without you
. celebrate at home with one fun night
. actually plan with sufficient notice to wrangle 9 calendars and book something for 2026 or 2027

just because someone suggested in April that we should really all go away this summer doesn’t mean it needs to happen.

I don't think it's clear her DH even agreed to cancel going to the event. My guess would be he was given no choice and that she just disappeared off to support her friend and left hin with the kids without negotiation.

I'm sticking to my earlier view that she's worried the friends will arrangr to go without her, and that they wouldn't necessarily do that for some people in the group.

To not consider that his brothers and father would be inconvenienced by a change of plan really is utterly inconsiderate and selfish.

I’m curious if his brothers have wives and children.

our calendar for summer 2025 has been settled since fall 2024 and started filling earlier. If DH tossed in a monkey wrench I would be furious. It took a ridiculous amount of work on my part to make everything fit together. I thought child schedules with covering childcare were difficult, but busy teenager schedules are the worst.

You are being wildly unreasonable, OP.

It’s not unreasonable for you to ask your dh, if it’s something like camping that doesn’t involve flying etc and is generally more flexible. But he booked it first and therefore he’s not unreasonable to say no.

if it’s such a big birthday event with your friends why wasn’t this booked ages ago?

But you or the brothers aren't part of this specific group of 9 boss bitches holding it down with family for mega important holiday plans being mooted when it's almost May.

They're freaking unicorns and should be accommodate

Really great point here !

But you’re not available and he is not available to change plans as his plans involve other people, he can’t just tell those people to change their plans. It’s booked and set. That’s it. You’re expecting him, his dad and brother to change to suit you. Why do you think that is ok? You are totally wrong.

You shouldn't have agreed without checking with your husband.

Could one of you take the children with you? This thread reads bizarrely like the parents' version of the Famous Five stories. Any minute the kids will get shipped off to a total stranger in Wales and end up foiling an international criminal plot to steal the crown jewels.

I'm not surprised he is being vindictive. OP made him give up a long booked holiday to a special event so that she could hold her friend's hand. I'd resent that, I think anyone would. Friend appears to have 7 other friends who could have hand-held and having 3 DC around does not preclude supporting friend anyway. OP will simply have to change her plans - see how she likes it. Her DH was amazingly nice to cancel his previous holiday, I think.

I'd do both.

Why did your friend need your support in particular previously? Was there no-one else who could help, no other friends or family? In any case, it was very unreasonable of you to ask your husband to cancel a long standing arrangement - I imagine it was fairly pricey too, as you say it was “very important” and clearly needed advance planning - just because your friend had a problem.
YABU again. Change your plans or don’t go.

Yes, there is. Maybe his father and brothers cannot do another week and even if they can, why should they? It's been arranged for a while. You are asking him, again, to take second place to your friends. If you all wanted to go away you should have been a bit more organised. Tell friends you cannot go. If they want you along they may re-arrange. If they can't, well, these things happen, be more organised next time.

I still can’t imagine what emergency would have meant your DH needed to cancel a long awaited trip.

i have helped friends and family with emergencies while home alone with the kids due to my husband working away at the time, including helping a friend move out to a women’s shelter, having a friends kids stay for a few nights while they were in hospital, driving hours to a family member going through a mental health crisis to bring them to stay with me so they weren’t alone.

Each time I’ve bunged my kids in the car and taken them along with me. I can’t imagine OP was the only one who could have helped the friend even if it was impossible to help around the kids.

What was the family emergency that required both seperate families to go into emergency mode?