Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

Let’s face it everyone. We’re not going to have any of the relevant questions answered. I’ll keep the thread on my Watch list but only check in if I see OP making posts; even then I’m not holding my breath for proper answers.

But this date isn't suitable for everyone!

If you all want go then you should have looked at other dates, even if this was in September, October, November or even in 2026.

Asking your DH to change his plans means that you think this trip is more important that his camping trip.

And it also indicates that you think his plans are less important than all the other plans your friends have on the other weeks that were suggested, because you are asking him to change plans and not them.

I thought marriage was supposed to be about spouses being " nice" to each other - although tbh on MN marriages where spouses even like each other seem to be rare.

Yes it was good of him to sacrifice his event last time. But does that mean because he was good to OP on that occasion his good deed for the duration of the marriage is fulfilled and he doesn't have to do anything good for her again? Especially as this time he wouldn't be making a sacrifice.

And we have no idea of how many sacrifices and nice things OP does for her H on a regular basis do we? I bet she doesn't make a song and dance over things she does for her H as he is doing over the holiday situation. You talk as though being vindictive in a marriage is normal.

YABVU. What was the emergency? He had difficult to get, much sought after tickets and gave it up for your friend.

You two owe him hugely. Get your head out of your backside OP and arrange childcare.

This is so unheard of on MN - Op, you really are being unreasonable and I’m actually feeling very sorry for your DH!

That doesn't matter. Fact is, he has already had to cancel something that was important to him because of your friend, and you putting her before him. Now you're doing the exact same thing. He's seeing a pattern developing (you asking him to cancel his plans to accommodate your friends), and he's nipping it in the bud to let you know he's not tolerating it. Good on him.

Either find another date to travel with your friends this year, or skip this year and plan your trip for next year more in advance.

my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9). My husband keeps pointing to this

I aren't surprised he keeps pointing to this, he must have been gutted, and now you are doing it again.

You agreed to a date you couldn't commit to.

That was very silly of you..

Well firstly a friend’s emergency would never have trumped my husband missing a very important trip that had been planned a long time in advance. I would absolutely have arranged other childcare if I absolutely had to have been there for my friend.

but secondly I’m with the majority here, you have to sit this trip out and let him go. You don’t have to go on this holiday. They can go without you if you can’t attend. I can understand that your husband was upset at you didn’t put him first in scenario one so again you are putting your friend first again.

Being vindictive isn't normal, of course (except possibly on MN) but OP doesn't seem appreciative of previous sacrifice of a long-booked trip that he gave up so she could help her friend. Now, he sees no reason to do this again. A girls' week away that isn't even booked is being put ahead of his pre-booked holiday with his father and brothers. Having thought about this I am beginning to think he is not being vindictive but actively making clear to OP that she is a doormat to her friends and it's time she stopped being so. It sounds as if the other women have chosen a week on the assumption OP will nudge her DH to fit in with their plans, so they don't have to make any effort with their DPs. OP is a bit spineless with friends and taking it out on DH - who is showing her what her 'friends' are actually like.

Bless, maybe you shouldn't have fucked your husband over the first time.

@Houseplantsaresoothing

Marriage is about being nice to each other, however it isn't about taking the piss. OPs husband cancelled a trip to cover her to help out a friend. He then books a week away with his father and brothers. OP knows this, knows what week it is , but instead of saying to her friends sorry I can't make the week you are suggesting she decided her husband should cancel his already arranged holiday in order for her to take one. That isn't being nice is it. None of her friends appear willing to change theirs or their partners schedule to accommodate a different week but OP expects her DH to just change his plans for her again.

He's not being 'vindictive', he's being assertive, belatedly, after what sounds like years of giving way to a selfish and coercive spouse.

You shouldn’t have agreed to a date you couldn’t do! You should have let those other 2-3 friends with a problem, sort out childcare / rearrange leave / whatever their problems were, cos now they are able to go on this holiday and you will miss it.

It’s not fair on your husbands dad and brothers to rearrange their plans either, even if they are all retired, they have made plans and they are entitled to keep them.

Also if it’s friends milestone birthday then your friends should have all been more organised.

So your best friend, who has 8 friends to go on holiday with, couldn't find one of them to help her? So your husband effectively made the sacrifice and you think his feeling should be put last?

No, you need to take one for the team and accept that it's not OK to expect him (and his dad and brother) to rearrange yet again.

You knew these milestones were coming up, they aren't a surprise, so.why should he be fucked around again because you and your best friend can't organise in advance.

Doesn't matter if it's an inconvenience or not. He doesn't want to. He's already altered plans for you once to 'support' one of your friends who will also be on the jolly you want to go on, so you are once again telling him that what you and your friends require is more important than what he requires.
Why does he not get to do what he has planned (again) so that you can do what you want?

So your husband has already cancelled his holiday before to suit your needs.. now you’re asking him to do it again even though his plans were made before yours and don’t see how that makes you a CF? 😵‍💫

And the brothers?
Given that you've used plural that means at least 3 people on the holiday. All of which have their own lives.

Not only are you unreasonable i think it's extremely rude to assume they've got nothing else to do only reschedule their trip around your girlfriends

How do you know OP "owes him hugely"?

You know nothing about their marriage.

You know nothing about the dynamics and what goes on everyday in their relationship.

Why on earth should your husband have to change his pre-arranged holiday to suit a load of your mates? I bet their partners would not be being asked to do this which is why their dates are not flexible! I don’t blame him
for being annoyed also about having to cancel a previous trip that was clearly very important to him in order that you could help your friend. Why do your friends needs seem to trump your husbands every time? I get that friends are important and it’s all about give and take, but it sounds like he’s being treated like the absolute bottom of the pile here

Life is full of disappointments. I can’t always be available when it suits my friends to go on holiday / attend an amazing event etc. so I don’t go. The world does not revolve around me.

Of course, you could ask your friends if there’s the possibility of finding another date. Or you could have asked your DH before you all booked if there was any chance of him rearranging. Or you could have discussed this a while ago before any of you booked anything as presumably you and he both knew holidays were on the cards and you must have known you wanted to do something for all these ‘important’ milestone event well in dvsne.

But clearly - unfortunately - you didn’t, and unless the tone of your posts is misleading, you do sound very much like you think you are so much more important than anyone else.

Oh, and you sound so dismissive of you DH, his dad and brothers - why do you think it’s so easy for them just change weeks? Why do you think their lives and arrangements are so unimportant compared to yours? And do you really think that just because people are retired, they can change plans at the drop of a hat?

Yanbu about this trip, but

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).
this was beyond unreasonable. So suck it up. This year you do not get to go.

You both seem like nice people, so it is a shame you are arguing

However YABU to think 10 people from different families, presumably with children, would ever be able to find a week over the summer to go on holiday together with only a few months notice. That sounds a bit mad really.

YABVU to think your DH his father and brothers should rearrange their lives to accommodate the lack of planning.

Just go yourself ffs - you’re a grown woman.

He'd booked something YEARS in advanced, that's clearly something hugely big and important to him, and you made him cancel because a friend "needed support". A friend with 7 other close friends apparently. And you couldn't work around that rather than make him miss out?
This is what stood out to me, as well.
Unless you're going to come back and say the BF had a bereavement in her immediate family (partner or child, not parent) and you felt you needed to be there for her, you were unreasonable then also.