Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

I am trying to think of a situation which would have meant DH would miss, for example, England in the World Cup or Spurs in the final of anything (we can dream) but I can only imagine the worst possible situation which, if this was the case, surely the OP would have mentioned already.

If the situation were reversed, there would be cries of LTB …

God milestone birthdays? those sound like important events you'd book years in advance and expect your partner to accommodate by taking responsibility for the kids.

Sorry op, yes yabu. Your dh has already missed a bit event for you and your friend, now you’re asking him and his dh/ds to rearrange their holiday for you and your friends. Relationships are all about give and take, it sounds like your relationship is all take from you. I don’t think I’d rearrange my holiday if I was your dh

Your husband had tickets for something booked for years in advance, with his friends and agreed to cancel so you could provide support to your friend? That was an incredibly generous thing for him to have done. He must have been so upset at having to miss out. He obviously thinks a huge amount of both you and your best friend to have done that. And now he’s not willing to change his plans and inconvenience himself and his brothers (who presumably don’t have the same freedom as their retired father?) once again so that, this time, you can go on a jolly with your mates? Well that’s hardly surprising, is it? You’re asking too much of him and being really selfish.

If you can’t arrange for the DC to stay with a relative or other friend, then your only option is to accept that you can’t go and they’ll have to go without you. And don’t be disloyal and let them think badly of him; be honest and tell them that he sacrificed something extremely important to him so that you could have time to do what you needed, when you needed it, and he doesn’t want to do it again.

And I think you owe him an apology for expecting him to.

Im agog that your dh missed something he had planned for 2 years because YOUR friend needed support and he needed to watch the kids. Were there really no other alternatives? Maybe this is why he is putting his foot down now.

I would put money on DH being fed up of always being the one who has to change his plastic to accommodate her oh so busy friends.

They were reversed and you didn't

He changed his plans for you last time. A time when he "had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support".
Remember?

He missed out on "a very important event". An event he had booked years in advance. Years, plural. And why couldn't he go? Because of your friend having a "family emergency" the like of which I cannot imagine, and she "needed your support" (really? only your support, nobody else would do?).

Let's be blunt. You royally fucked your husband over, forcing him to miss out on something really important to him, because you prioritised your best mate. Did she really need you that much that you had to do that to him? Really? And only you could meet that 'emergency'? I have serious doubts on that.

And here we are again, you downplaying how important it is to him to have this week with his brothers and dad. Because again, you're prioritising you and your best mates. Tough shit. You are seriously overdrawn at The Favour Bank, and credit is no longer going to be extended. Suck it up. You are not available that week.

You agreed to go without even consulting your dh first, even though you knew when you agreed that his holiday was booked that week. That’s hugely disrespectful, and very self absorbed. I would be furious if I was your dh.

OP- AIBU 94% - Yes
OP - No I’m not
What is the point in asking? You obviously don’t think you are, which is absolutely your right, but don’t ask a question if you don’t want the answer

YABU. It’s not all about you, making your husband loose out on a important event for your friend was shitty. You could of been on the phone to her. Yet now once again you expect him to change his plans to suit you. Very selfish behaviour.

Sorry I haven't read all 16 pages but can you offload the kids to a willing Grandparent and both go?

Op said it was a family emergency.
Maybe there wasn’t time to organise things with other friends if the emergency happened at the wrong time. Maybe it was just that DH was forced to miss his flight and hence the whole trip.
It may not seem as serious to us but it could have just played out badly at the time.

You weren’t free to go. I imagine his father and brothers also have things that need to be planned and can’t just easily rearrange. Even if it’s possible changing time off from work and rebooking is hassle that they probably don’t need

It sounds like your DH still is angry that he had to cancel his big planned event because you had to support your best friend. What was the family emergency that meant you had to drop everything?

The 'something my h booked years in advance either sounds like a World Cup or possibly the Ashes/F1. These are very important to the people who attend them, and if I'd asked my partner to rearrange and miss one so I could look after my friend, I'd be pretty much forever rearranging things thereafter to make up for it.

I think the issue is you used up the usual goodwill one would have in this sort of situation by asking him to rearrange the once in a lifetime event that first time (which whilst kind of you to support a friend it, sounds odd to me) & now, when you actually need him to change because it’s the only date that works, he doesn’t want to, which I sort of get because it seems like you’re repeatedly asking him to change his plans because of your friends. I think if you are asking people to change their plans (with others!) for you then you really need to think about whether it’s really necessary - it doest’t matter about the leave etc, the plans are made it’s still annoying for him to have to change them

YABU. The thing with the friend needing support sounds incredibly selfish and now you’re expecting him to mess his own family around too. Arrange something else with your friends this time.

In isolation YANBU but honestly I don't think you should have made him miss the original event so no wonder he's resentful. Was there really no alternative?

Can only echo everyone else.
Why did you say you could go that week? Why is your husband any less important than anyone else's partner/commitments? Surely other people also have similar problems and said they can't do a certain date because their partner isn't around for childcare or have stuff already booked.
Agree that arranging anything as a large group is always difficult and if this was such an important occasion then you should have been discussing dates a lot sooner.
Looks like you will just have to sit this one out.

I understand the need to have time with friends. However, to gage whether you're being unbreakable, you could ask the following questions:

1. Would your friend have come to support you and get her DH to cancel his big (pre-booked years in advance) trip?
2. Would any of your group of friends ask their DHs to move their planned trips to accommodate this holiday?

You supported your friend , so your DH cancelled a holiday booked years in advance , and now you want to go on holiday with friends at the same time he has booked a holiday with his family . Selfish.

Really hope your husband stands his ground on this one as you sound very selfish and put your friends before your husband.

I am to. Without context it reads like one of those controlling men who starts some shit every time a woman dreams of leaving the house...