Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

Op, 9 busy women don't need to rearrange anything, 8 of them can all go that week. You can sit this one out.

You made him cancel something he had booked years in advance as well, that's incredibly selfish regardless of your friends emergency. I would insist that my partner go to the thing they had had planned for so long even if somebody close to me died. I wouldn't let somebody else's emergency change the plan at all.

Yabu

You made him miss out on something that he had booked for years for a friend

Now you are asking him to move something again for your friends

Yeah you are the CF here

OP is trying to cook up a massive drip feed to make this thread go the way she wants 🤣

When you say "there's no impact on him", what do you mean? Do you

a) Literally mean he is going alone, not planning on meeting any friends on the trip and either has not booked any accommodation, trips, meals anything, or that he's booked just 2 or 3 of these which could all simply be swapped to the new week with a quick call or email with no financial penalty?

b) Mean that the people he's going with could probably go a different week, and the things he's book would probably let him move them, possibly without financial penalty?

If you mean a, I think he should move his trip. The reality is that regardless of whether he's swapped a trip for you before, the one with simple plans that can easily be rearranged and doing so will make little difference to anyone, rearranging so you can BOTH go on your trips with little hassle to anyone makes sense.

If you really mean b then, you can't go the new week your friends are preposing, so either you don't go, or your friends work out managing a week you can go.

well, your mistake was agreeing before you checked with DH.

And the whole group's mistake was not booking this a year ago if it was so important.
Go back and say you can't come that week, and re-organise it to another date. If it does end up being away from the milestone events, that's the group's fault in not getting the date in the diary earlier.
Or look for alternative childcare. Maybe someone would have your children for some of the time, if you can't find anyone for the whole time.

@gannett
I do concede that to fully understand this backstory, it would be helpful to know:

1. what kind of trip her DH was forced to miss
2. what kind of catastrophe her friend had
3. why she was the only person who could help her at that time.

She means she thinks she and her friends are more important than the people DH is going away with. She has no actual idea how hard it is for them to rearrange - she's just assumed they will.

So not only him but his father and brothers will need to rearrange their plans for these important career women. No OP it's not fair for you to expect this.

Did you ever answer the question about your DH's brothers and their schedules? Or is that being ignored?

Personally, I think you sound very self-centered and entitled. Like you and your friends are "more important" than your DH and his brothers and father.

Find a relative to watch your children that week, or you can miss out. Your DH and his father and brothers should not have to cater to you. Your DH already catered to you once, and you act like it's NBD for him to do it again.

He has a right to have his holiday when HE wants and when convenient for his brothers and father.

I'm guessing if it was years in advance then it was World Cup or something similar.

Yes I was going to suggest a big sports tournament. OP probably thinks it’s a silly thing to get excited about…

Is he being difficult when he could rearrange his holiday? Possibly (depending how easy it is for him and multiple brothers to change booked leave).
Do I understand why he's being difficult? Hell yeah.

Did you thank him for giving up his long-anticipated event for YOUR friend's family emergency? Or did you swoop in to help her and leave him to sort the rest? Nobody else who could have helped her (because you weren't available as your DH was away)?

The impression you are giving is that your DH feels unappreciated and unheard.

To be fair we don’t know it was mistake do we.

I hear all the posters saying “ what emergency could be bad enough”, that OP would chose friend over DH. Its quite dependent on the friendship as to how obligated Op felt to help. The closer the friendship the more you are expected to or feel the need to step up.
Also that’s the nature of emergencies.You can’t really predict how they will play out.

I don’t think yabu here, but I do think you were being very unreasonable to make your husband cancel an event that had been years in the planning so you could support a friend. Could you not have supported around his trip away and someone else stepped in while he was absent? so I don’t blame him for harbouring some resentment over that.

As OP had said it made no difference to him when it was I had assumed it was a solo break. I had missed the bit about it being with others. Was editing my post as you were responding I think!

If I was him, I wouldn't have cancelled the previous one either. You are taking the piss again.

I agree - I think it's quite shocking that the OP asked this of her DH when he had booked a significant event years in advance, in order to prioritise her friend! I think that the DH was incredible that he agreed to miss out!

Yes, he could reasonably move it, but as others have said this week doesn't suit you so either you can sit it out at home like he did last time, or you can reschedule for a different time.

I think if it had been a huge emergency, we would have been told. Now, even if she decides to tell us, it will be hard to believe it isn't being exaggerated. How would we know?

It's difficult to even think of more than a couple of "family emergencies" that would make me feel it was okay to get my DH to cancel plans he had made years ago. Especially with eight other "close friends" that could have stepped up to help in some way, either the OP or the BF.

That's not true. You didn't change your plans for his last time around. You made him miss out on something he had wanted to do for years!

You wouldn't change your plans and I think you owe him for cancelling his in favour of yours.

Yabu. most people have told you so yet you still think you aren't. Your behaviour does show a lack of regard for him in comparison to your friends. It shows you value their time more than his.

Just because his dad is retired doesn't mean he's free to take the trip whenever and assuming his brothers worker have their own family commitments then there are other people he has to think of. At any rate you aren't free so you either ask a grandparent or sibling to have your children for a week or you regretfully decline.

It simply isn't fair that he should have to cancel his plans everytime to accommodate you and your friends. It also isn't necessary that you attend every event that gets planned.

He's already done so for an event that he planned to attend for years. This time it's up to you to compromise.

I often do the planning for trips away with a group and it’s super unusual everyone can go. Even if a date is agreed initially it’s common someone needs to drop out for whatever reason. I’m sure people can understand this and it’s not the end of the world if you miss a trip and there will always be others.
YANBU to ask your OH if he’d be willing to move his trip however YABU to make any assumptions that his trip is of lesser value or importance than your trip. He is not unreasonable to say he won’t move it. He may be irritated with you and making a bit of a point but suspect it’s more likely he just doesn’t want to mess his brothers/dad about. That’s very understandable and, given he’s already booked some time back, you are just going to have to accept that date isn’t available.

I’m going to be the one person who can see the Ops side ( even though I think she’ll have to back down). Situation A was an emergency. DH missed the amazing event because it was a one off and the DH helped Op on an emergency basis. Situation B would just be doing a favour to his wife which he’s not prepared to do.

Possibly I do think her DH thinks the emergency wasn’t worth it in the end - hence not budging now

THIS

It's not reversed and he has already given up an important trip for you.

You booked a week with your friends knowing fully that he already had booked plans to go away that week. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter that you were the only 1 that week, as opposed to multiple people being unable to go on other weeks. THat week was off limits for you. And demanding your husband once again dump an important trip to him, a family trip, so you can go with your friends, is grossly unreasonable if he doesn't want to to do it.

Apologise and leave him alone.

Perhaps your family can have your kids so you can go on your trip, too. But it's not his job to sort it under the circumstances, it's yours.

Absolutely agree with this. If going this year to celebrate birthdays/milestones was so incredibly important that it HAS to be this year and cannot possibly be next year, I would have thought all you very important and busy career women would have planned and sorted it out well in advance! Especially as quite a few of you are involved in this trip and it’s always harder to finds dates to suit when you have to try and work around so many peoples plans.

As you were not very organised, or not as organised as you could have been, that is on you.

Look, your husband had to cancel
a trip years in the planning for you/your friends. You can all find a work around between you or postpone by a year to allow him up go as planned.

I find your attitude dismissive and rude, I wouldn’t be minded to do you any favours either, in his shoes. Ge might be able to switch leave, and his dad may be retired- but are his brothers? Maybe they cannot easily change plans. Or don’t want to. Your DH and his family presumably chose this week as it suited them all. Now you want them to change so you don’t have to see if friends can change their plans. You are right to be worried about your relationship, but not because if your DH.