AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

Wow!
That's a telling sentence.
Why are you accepting this attitude towards your DS. Is he the same with you?

He didn’t need to be shown.

It is a reference to a thread about leaving washing out on the line overnight and it gets darked on and spider willies get on it.
It is a way to show how long you have been on MN to reference an old thread.

The vote will change as more people wake up. It’s pretty clear how this is going to go.

Is he actually really horrible to your DS? Or is it stuff like this? As he hasn’t been at all horrible in this example.

If, on the other hand (and this would be a massive drip feed) he is ACTUALLY regularly really horrible to your child, then why are you still with him?

Just read this.
Do you understand that this is abuse?
Why are you with such an aggressive person

I think you’re wrong on this specific instance. But if your husband is regularly “really horrible” (and verbally abusive as per your next post) to your son, does it matter what people think about this isolated incident? It sounds like you have bigger problems.

And hasn't been asked to help even before.

People vote and don't comment. Many more if the comments are explaining to you and you're not budging. You still think DS is fine to refuse to help his dad put his sheets on....

He spent the evening playing and spending time with him. That doesn't sound horrible. You weren't there when the conversation about the bed happened either, you've just assumed and taken DS side. Which is probably why DH feels defensive.

OP.... the issue here isn't the bed sheets. It's that your son was an arse and has gone running to his mummy to make dad look bad, and you're falling into that trap.

Was 11pm the ideal time to teach making a bed? Possibly not. But your DH asking him to help was a perfectly reasonable request in the situation as it then was. Your DS wasn't too tired or ill to continue gaming, or indeed to help you when you asked.

He could have helped his dad but decided not to as he was being an arsey teenager who wanted to stay up.

Having offered to help him sort his bed, and been met with arsey teenager attitude your DH (quite understandably on my opinion) took a natural consequences approach - that as he wouldn't help make his bed he would either need to do it alone or sleep in an unmade bed (neither of which is that big a deal).

You then spot DS is still up and instead of telling you his dad tried to get him to go to bed and that he was unreasonable with his dad, DS then tries to stir things between you and DH to get his mum on his side.

And it has worked!!!

Maybe your DH didn't make the same parenting choice that you would have made, but it's not an entirely unreasonable choice, and your DS's attitude throughout this stinks. You need to back your DH.

And here comes the drip as its not going...
"Heavens to Betsy op!!! A 13 year old, being asked to help make his own bed?!! Run! Run far!! What a world!!!' 🤨

No. I didn’t. That’s just how it’s come across. We worked together. When I said ‘gently’ I mean not angrily.

Every word of this!

Ds didn’t go running to mummy? His dad stormed off and his mum noticed he was still up when she went to the toilet. I agree ds should have helped when asked but the dh has also behave d like a child.

If he didn't need to be shown then what's the issue?

If he didn't need to be shown then your DH was being lovely by offering to help and there was no harm done by leaving your DS to put his own bedding on when he refused the help.

@NoisyHeating when did you and ds come back? Neither of you went into his room at all to see the horrendous calamity of a stripped bed till 11pm? No putting away of stuff from the holiday, no going to his room to get anything?

Until you read that the dad has form for verbal aggression and flying into disproportionate rages.
It's less about a 13 yr old doing their own bed, more about the OP being with such an unstable partner who is also a parent.

Well that was the drip...

He didn’t come running to me. I saw he was up and got him to help make his bed and got him to bed.

Yeah. I can see that may be I wasn’t helpful to DH in that moment. I think I find it hard when I’ve seen how horrible he can be. That’s why I posted really. Trying to gage if it’s my bias because of how DH is or not.

helpful to be challenged. I might do another thread at some point about how you back up the other parent helpfully in a situation where that parent has form for being regularly aggressive. I can’t figure it out.

I would not be mollycoddling a teenager who had refused to do a simple task that his father had told him to do! Yes he is tired, yes he is under the weather but since he helped you with the task eventually then he was perfectly capable of doing it. I would have been backing up the other parent and reminding the child that there would be consequences if they continued to refuse to do what the other parent tells them to do. Sounds like he preferred gaming to helping... Who wouldn't?! The job still needed done and he should have been made to pull his weight at the time.

He didn't storm off, he went to bed because ds wouldn't help. Fair enough.

But the way OP painted this incident does make me wonder what she is classing as these rages. The child gets on well enough with him to want to spend the evening gaming together which doesn’t scream poor relationship does it.

and either way there is no indication of any rage in this situation. Indeed the dad simply said “well you made your choice so you deal with it” and walked away which was the right response to him refusing to help.

Well OP needed something to pull out the bag to help her position! There's still nothing wrong with what the DH did last night.

I might do another thread at some point about how you back up the other parent helpfully in a situation where that parent has form for being regularly aggressive.

How on earth is that what you’ve got from this thread? What’s the matter with you?!

This. M

The boy experienced consequences of disobedience.

Though chores should have been done before gaming.

Yeah. Sorry for the drip. I specifically wanted to isolate this event to look at it without that lens. I think my utter contempt for my DH because of his behaviour is colouring these day to day things. Divorce is happening but until we live apart these things will still happen.