AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

Being ill and how late it was - I agree bad timing. But at 13 he should’ve been dealing with his own bedding for years- as teen I would think he would definitely want to change his own sheets.
You already have one lazy man at home by the sounds of it.

Too much gaming too- it’s all kids seem to do these days. They’ll all have bad eyesight.

It’s not the boundary itself. It’s the timing and then going to bed I think is crap.

If DS helped you do it, why couldn't he help his dad do it?

Equally, your DH should have done it earlier in the day and finished the job.

This sounds like an early male/male 'who's the boss' type battle. I wouldn't get involved.

Actually I kind of side with DH here. He offered to help and DS said no. He probably didn't want a lengthy argument with a 13 year old at bedtime (given what sounds like their usual dynamic) so he left him to it.

It's bedsheets not cooking a meal for 100 people, I'd expect a 13 year old to work it out or sleep without them for one night. He wouldn't have died from a night on the sofa and would have learnt his lesson.

It doesn’t really need “tackling”, that makes it sound like putting on bedding is something that takes time and effort to teach/learn. When actually it barely needs any teaching at all, it’s completely clear to anyone who uses bedding how it would work.

I guess I agree that your DH shouldn’t have just left him, but he does sound quite coddled, and I don’t really see what’s wrong with expecting a 13 year old to help make their bed. I think your son sounds rude to have refused to help with that tbh.

used all his energy up gaming and was exhausted
Oh come on!!!
He could have layed on a sheet and put duvet over him as I've done once or twice if no energy. Not the end of the world.

Tbh I'd probably talk in an irritated tone to a 13yo who couldn't be arsed to help make his own bed and was whinging about it. I'd not be inclined to help them if they were being a pain in the arse about it.

If your DH had decided it was time for your DS to learn how to make his own bed (and, whatever else happened, it sounds like this is exactly what is going on) then this isn't actually relevant.

God the amounts of times I've gone to bed and realised I've forgotten to put the sheets back on! Shit happens.

Oh, and you didn't ask to find out if DH is unreasonable... you haven't changed your view, you still think he's wrong and you just wanted validation.

I think that’s just how I’ve said it there. I had no idea any of this was going on. Then when I got up to go for a wee I saw DS was up so said let’s get you to bed - you do that bit while I do this bit… etc.

How much do YOU contribute to the dynamic between DS and DH? You know, by always rescuing him, finding excuses, “gently” cajoling him into things that should be habit and routine?

It’s interesting that OP isn’t answering any questions about whether her DS does any chores or acknowledging that the majority of posts think she’s mollycoddling him and casting her DH in the role of ‘baddie’.

Lots of nonsense about ‘boundaries’ and things being ‘sprung’ upon this poor overtired, hyped up little lamb - using an unpleasant tone of voice. It’s making his own bed.

You speak to him like he's much younger than he is.

And refusing to help is also crap tbh. If he cared he'd have helped. Maybe he didn't care. He wasn't prevented going to bed.

The ds is 13 not 3.
And he did ask him to help with the bedding , ds wanted to be whingey teenager so his choice to not have a made bed.

I think this is absolutely not worth starting a thread on.

You admit you have no idea what happened but your language is very much “dad bad. Dad should do it all” and “son poor little lamb who is too tired from gaming to consider some self care” which says a lot about your attitude to both of them.

I’m listening. I’m on the fence. The votes are 50/50. So it’s not clear cut. If it was 80/20 I’d be more swayed. To be honest though I am probably seeing it through a particular lens as DH can be really horrible to DS. Really horrible but I wanted feedback on this without that context to see if generally it’s poor parenting.

Do you not expect your son to take any responsibility for himself? At 13, he’s at fault for gaming too long if he was too sick.

Yeha you can't decide to suddenly insist on something and start a battle over bed linen that late at night. He obviously couldn't be arsed.

Have you talked to your DH about it? What was his version of events?

Said yabu but actually you both are very unreasonable to have raised a child to 13 who a) does not know how to make his bed and b) has apparently not got the wherewithal to decide to do it himself, presumably because that's how he's been raised... He is 13?

I'm baffled how anyone needs to be shown how to put bed linen on. TBH it sounds like you're babying him because the idea that a 13yo can't figure it out is a bit ridiculous.

Plenty will vote and run. Comments speak louder imo.

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages so my assumption is that he spoke to DS horribly but I might be wrong. You are right. I don’t know for sure.