Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

Do they know why it happened?

My dad was a single dad from when I was 6 running a company whilst trying to care for 2 girls 1 of which wasn't even his daughter. I think that's why he has the opinion he does. He regrets all the time he missed out on with us and having to put us into breakfast clubs and after school clubs and never getting to spend any time with us.

So I know what he says comes from a place of regret not malice.

Because apparently anyone with a health problem or disability can't have kids. Ableism.

I've a seizure in the past and potentially lots when I was younger which we didn't know where seizures so they have assumed undiagnosed epilepsy which was trigger by my high blood pressure. I'm on medication now and will he heavily monitored with any subsequent pregnancies but they don't expect it to happen again if I'm taking my medication.

@Calica1 you say money isn't an issue, but then you say "finances at the end of my maternity meant I had to agree to work 2 nights a week at tesco to be able to afford the bills."

So you're literally only just keeping your heads above water?

I mean we have around £400 spare so a bit above water but no we aren't rolling in money and have a lot to pay off.

I think everyone needs to do what suits them, I do 30+ hours in a local supermarket and dh was trying to get me to go for jobs in my old area (pharmaceutical) where I used to commute an hour each way minimum and work 8.30 to 5.30 (or later if there was problems). All the nearest labs/ offices are minimum 40 minutes away. I’d then drive full pelt to be the last parent to collect. I was on good money but life was bloody depressing 😅. Really glad I didn’t bend- money is not the be all and end all.

You sound like a princess (oh I'VE always wanted children so I'm doing what the hell I want and he just has to deal with it!), and he's definitely amazing to be putting up with it...so far. What would you do if he ended the relationship and moved out?

Thank you for this! Although if I were you I'd hold onto that 30 hour supermarket job, it's bloody hard to find that many hours except for nights nowadays!

I can't imagine doing a job like you have described with kids that must have been so so stressful!

Just to be clear, we agreed to have a baby. It was a conversation and I came off my injection on agreement with each other so whilst it may not have been the smartest decision it was a joint decision!

And my situation if he moved out would be no different to it would be of i went and got entry level office job. My wage would still be eaten up by childcare and id still be bringing home the same amount i am now and I would have to get benefits to help out and my ex would probably lose the option of not selling the house as we would likely go bankrupt.

So it is completely irrelevant regarding me getting a full time job now 'incase he leaves' as the situation would be the same if I'm earning £900 from working 2 night a week or if I'm bringing home £900 after all the expenses working 5 days a week and paying for childcare etc.

You do realise that when kids start school most parents go back to work and use breakfast clubs and after school clubs?
I don't know why you think you can stay home continually, especially as you are struggling now. If you look at a lot of the posts from SAHM you will see it's because they are with someone who is a considerable high earner and can afford this knowing the one person earns enough for them both to live on. The majority of people will have both parents who work because they have to. I am sure lots of people want to stay at home but there is no choice about this.

Well it would put me off to be honest. The risk of having more seizures, something happened to me at worst and best losing my license again for another year, but now having two children to get around with. But I suppose that’s just me.

I'm not talking about staying part time once they are at school. I'm saying If I wanted say 4 years to improve our finances as debt would be clear and had a second child i would then stay part time for 4-5 years depending on their birthday until they started school. If I then had a 3rd with a similar age gap it would then be another 4-5 years before all 3 children at at primary school. Therefore 12-15 years part time before all kids are all at school and we wouldn't have so much childcare cost.

of course it would work out better. if you are on a low income, a portion will be paid by UC. You get quite a few hours free now in any case. There will be be other benefits like pension and career progression. Sounds like you don't want to to work which is fine. Just he honest about it.

We don't get any UC as my partner earns too much. We only get child benefit.

You are correct I have no interest in developing a career as time with my children is more important.

Bring home on a minimum wage job is £1600 bring home.
My free hours from September covers 2.5days so we would have to fund the other 2.5 days which is about £125 a week but let's be generous and say £100 a week. So that's takes my bring home to £1200. I've then got to purchase and insure, tax, maintaine and fuel a car so again let's be generous and say only £250 a month. That takes my bring home to £950. A whooping £40 more a month bring home then I bring home working 2 nights week. For 27 hours more work.

So no its not a case of not wanting to work. I loved my job but it is a case of not wanting to basically work 27 hours for no reason except for the perceived opinion that I should work full time regardless if it doesn't make an ounce of financial difference.

If this was the lifestyle you wanted, you probably should have looked for a very wealthy man to impregnate you 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think maybe also have to be realistic. Perhaps yes, right now, all you can get is a minimum wage job. But then you gain skills, confidence, and hopefully in a year or two get a better job. And so it goes on. With the added benefits of holiday / sick pay / maternity pay for your next two hypothetical children and, a pension so you can survive in old age. Maybe a bit of flexibility too. You’ll be in this same place in 15 years if you wait that long to get a job, or you could be in a house with ceilings, in a balanced relationship, with children who have had the benefit of a nice life as well as your time. Take your head out of the clouds and take responsibility for the situation you’ve put yourself and your family in and fix it.

Except it’ll make no difference as you are intent on doing what you want anyway. Your life is complicated, you can’t afford decent housing for the kid you have now and you’re planning on having another whilst living with your ex. Where will that baby sleep? They can’t stay in with you forever and if it’s a different sex sharing won’t be an option after a few years. What if your ex finds a new partner and wants to live with her? Is she going to be added to this household or will he want to sell up and move out?

And what about your relationship? He’s carrying the burden of paying for the majority of your lifestyle already and you are planning on adding another child and the added expense of that. Ffs. Get off your arse and get a ft job in an office or wherever and work for a few years before bringing another child into this car crash.

I’m a stay at home mum to a 15 month old and I seriously can’t imagine working 2 night shifts a weeek. I’d be absolutely exhausted with looking after a toddler in the day too. I don’t know how you do it.

We live on one wage but obviously my husband is happy with that arrangement. I will go back to work when my toddler is in nursery school.

@Calica1 it’s not a one size fit with those kind of jobs, I also work in pharmaceuticals, I was lab based on separating from my husband. I worked goddamn hard to get myself into a role that works alongside the lab where I can work from home 2-3 days a week. My commute is 15-20 minutes and on the worst day (which happens not very often in the year.) I collect my kids at 5:10. I can drop them off every morning, I have them. I collect them after school on the days I work from home. And even before I moved into that role, my boss was so understanding that she would give me jobs where I could purposely work from home. She also had children so she understood the demands of family life and knew that I couldn’t stay much past 4:45. You make it work when you have to. And yes, I know I’m lucky lots of ways but a lot of workplaces can be very understanding too. I know some aren’t, but that’s not a reason to give up on trying.

Quite possibly but I'm not going to move up if I have 0 interest in the job or developing a career in it. Or if I'm constantly having time off to take care of a sick child (it will always make more sense for me to be the one off as ill earn significantly less that DP)

I suppose from my point of view all me working full time in a job I'm not earning any additional income from is still a relationship where I never see my partner so no improvement there, no income benefit, virtually no pension benefit as there is £15 a month difference and worse maternity leave as most companies offer basic maternity compared to the enhanced maternity i get currently.

I feel like I'm better off sticking where I am on the chance my partner eventually moves to daytime shifts with a higher pay and I can pick up more night hours

100% not a reason to keep looking but those sort of jobs are like gold dust.

I stay awake 24 hours before my first shift and he's at nursery after my second shift so it's a rough few days but it works and I earn more overnight.

How do you think others manage it? There are so many couples who both work full time and also deal with childhood sickness - in your long list of excuses you’re really grasping now. Ill say it again, you’ve made this situation, you need to do everything you can to fix it, not make your partner out to be unreasonable for wanting you to step up too.

Yes the living situation is complicated and within the next 4 years we will buy my ex out if he can't afford to buy us out so the baby having their own room wouldnt be an issue.

Get a full time job with no financial benefit for a few years? The waiting to have a second baby i can understand but working a full time job with no additional income seems bonkers.