Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

1 of them is the day after my nightshift so I couldn't work that day. The other day I do keep an eye out for some overtime but it's rare it comes up and when it does it's usually first think in the morning or late at night. Overtime rarely comes up between 10-2 but I'm always keeping an eye out.

But your partner doesn’t start till much later! Why does it have to be 10-2!??

We have around 400 left over a month but our house is in need of some serious work (think no ceilings downstairs and not a completed kitchen kind of level work) so a real fixer upper. And we have a significant amount of debt we are slowly trying to clear. We do put £50 a month into DS isa but no personal savings. My partners pension gets 4% put in by him and 4% by his work and mine is the same but obviously for me that's only around 35 a month as I earn so little.

Blimey, that's one hell of a drip feed!

If your OP had been "my partner wants me to work more than 2 nights a week because we're in a lot of debt, we have no savings, and there are essential works needed on our home that we can't afford to get done. But I want to stay very part time, and also have another baby really soon and take a year off. AIBU?" then I suspect those telling you there's no need for you to work more and just enjoy this precious time with your little one may have thought twice.

Your DP is not BU. The harsh reality is that you cannot afford to work PT. Your DP isn't trying to force you back to work because he's wanting flash cars and fancy holidays, he wants your child to have a decent standard of living and some security. It sounds like he's the only responsible adult in the situation to be honest and if I was him I'd be incredibly frustrated by you burying your head in the sand.

Why are you waiting 4-8 years to work full
time ?
Cant you work full Time when your child is age 3 ? Work for a few years once you have bought your ex out then you can have another baby.

Also if you and your dp both for full time roles . Working weekends that sounds perfect. He works one weekend and you work the other. Then it’s only another 3 days each through the week you both work ? You will actually get family time together too .
This is something you would have to be honest about at interview that you need to work opposite weekends to your do.

Honestly if I was your do I think I’d have left you long before 4 years never mind 8.

Because my partner doesn't get home until 10 (he still doesn't have his licence back) so he sleeps 10 - 5 as he has to use his CPAP mask for at least 6-7 hours a day otherwise he risks not getting enough sleep and oxygen. And obviously once he's driving again he has to make sure he's getting enough sleep with the mask so he doesn't fall asleep at the wheel again and lose his licence.

Please show me a retail management jobs where we can dictate our hours to the extent that we can choose to work alternative weekends and also alternative shifts during the week with set hours. My partner currently works both weekend nights and he isn't allowed to move his days around. Daytime managers generally have their hours dictated by the store manager and that's if you are in a big store. If you are working in convenience like we used to you could have to come in at a moments notice because one of your managers has gone sick and the store will close if you don't come in.

If we both worked 9-5 management roles it would be 100% doable as much as it would make me sad not seeing my little one. But that isn't the situation we are in.

I completely understand that what my partner wants is completely reasonable. But it's unreasonable in the sense that it isn't practical. There is no point me going to a minimum wage job that fits around his hours because it would all get eaten up by childcare and travel/car costs.

So he isn't wrong or unreasonable but it also isn't practical.

And what’s the plan if he never drives again?

He's due to get his licence back (dvla are taking forever) but he has to make sure he's using his mask and not risking getting too tired again so he doesn't lose it again. As long as he uses the mask plenty and gets the rest he shouldn't have any problems again. We didn't know he had sleep apnea which is why it got to the point of him falling asleep at the wheel.

Thank you for all of the responses. Lots to think about and discuss with my partner.

Then retail management isn't for you. I would love to do all sort of jobs but cannot as it doesn't work around my (disabled) children. You just do a job that is doable. Picking something which doesn't square with raising a child and then saying you can't possibly work is just batshit.

I think you need to think more creatively. If you have a car going unused can you do uber or deliveries or something similar? Can you do a training programme to become a childcare practitioner? The issue with your plan is that there’s no end date as this will be the situation forever if you aren’t aiming for anything else

your partner is crazy to be putting any money into a house co owned with your ex. He would walk away with nothing - and if this keeps up, he will walk away at some point as it’s totally unsustainable.

you’re looking at only two options - working full time unsociable hours for minimum wage or working two shifts a week at this exact job. There are many, many other options.

you can’t afford another child though, that’s quite clear.

I can understand why a minimum wage job plus nursery fees would make little difference to your financial situation but if you were a retail manager you have lots of transferable skills, you could try looking for a better paid job, do something different? A friend just got a job working from home, no experience or qualifications, car insurance, over £30k a year for 37 hours a week. Not massive pay but higher than minimum wage and her take home pay is well over £2k a month.

For most people I would say if you can get by on one wage whilst your children are small then do it!! They don't need big houses or expensive holidays when they are little, but I have to say in your situation I can understand why your partner is not happy.

Neither of us can drive currently both waiting on DVLA for give us our licence back. I also don't currently have a car as I tend not to drive anyway.

Childcare workers also earn near minimum wage. I would be working with other people's children (not my favorite thing) to pay for my son to be in said childcare? So I wouldn't get any financial gain (not to mention the fact I'd have to quit work for a year or two to do said course) but someone else would be looking after my son instead of me?

I guess i haven't made a plan as in my mind If I have 2-3 children I'm looking at being out of a career for 10ish years so never much point making a plan for it as it would be starting again in 8-10 years when all kids are at school.

Technically I'm saying I could work minimum wage with sociable hours but with no financial benefit or stay working my 2 night a week. As working in the field I've come from doesn't work due to the unsociable hours.

I've applied for a few WFH jobs but none I've managed to get and they all expect DS to be in nursery whilst I'm working. I wasn't a retail manager for long so a lot don't consider the skills transferable and some of them required a lot of phone calls and unfortunately I think them being able to see and hear my animals put them off hiring plus I'm not the most confident on the phone or video calls and I think that showed.

I'm aware retail management can't work for me. Hence I've said my realistic option would be to go for an entry level job somewhere that offers 9-5 but after childcare costs and the costs of buying and running another car I wouldn't be bringing in virtually anything more than I am currently.

Why don't you currently have your licence?

Yes of course you would need to put son in nursery. I didn't mean have him there whilst your working from home.

I think your selling your self short and making excuses to be honest.

I guess the only acceptable option to you is to leave things as they are and your partner will just have to accept it?

You say you are listening to people but now you are still saying you won't be going back to work for another 10 years as you now not only want one more child, but another two.
Honestly if I was your partner I would go for the snip. You can't afford your current child. What if your partner walks away. The mortgage is in your name with your exes. I don't even know how this would impact any benefits claims if you did end up single, as you would have a home that is mortgaged but as you would be living with someone who is also the home owner would their income would be taken into account?

I did say to them I would look to put him into nursery full time if I got the job but not sure if they believed I actually would!

I think it's not about leaving it but talking to each other and exploring options that might work and just keeping an eye on places like indeed.

I had 2 seizures during my labour so I lost my licence for a year. Currently waiting for them to give it back.

Yet another reason why having a second is not a good idea to be honest…

I don't mean 2 extra children one after the other. Even if I left 4 years between each that would then be 12-15 years before they would all be in school.

I am working currently what I'm saying is if we have more children with say 4-5 year age gaps then we will always have a child in childcare for those 12-15 years in which case unless I found a reasonably well paying job which worked 9-5 then I will likely have to stay part time in order to not be have to pay out for full time childcare?

Why would that be a reason?

Did your dad give up his career when he became a parent?