Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

Personally speaking I’d rather be part time and have the time with my children until they start school. There isn’t enough financial gain from a min wage job to make losing the time worth it.

As for pensions - the way they are raising the age there won’t be any need for them soon as we will all be dead before we can get them.

I agree if you have a career that you love with good prospects if you don’t take time out it is worth it but not for a job. I think we are being sold a bit of a lie about needing to be working constantly whilst raising very young children.

When I had my first child it was normal for a single parent to be able to get help to stay home until the youngest child was 12! Now parents of very young babies are being pushed back to work. Personally I think we will be raising a generation very disconnected to the real world.

I have no doubt about this. I'm fully aware that would be the case. But I can't magically fix everything. I can't magic up a reasonable paying job which fits around partners hours and childcare.

Why would you invest in a house you don’t own? Your ex will benefit from any renovations. 🤯

I am astonished that you willingly brought a baby into this world whilst living in poor housing conditions, in debt and without financial stability.
You say you really wanted a baby - but without consideration on their future and ability to provide them with stability?

If your partner walks away, what are you going to do? Expect the taxpayer to support your poor decision making?

Unfortunately not a troll. Just a complicated situation. I'm not pregnant so it's not about being intent. I posted for this very reason as I wanted people's responses and opinions to give me something to think about

We were actually renting when I conceived. We decided it would be financially better to live in the house i owned rather than paying out £1300 in rent.

Start making better decisions. Don't even think about another baby until you are in a financially better position, even if that's 4-5 years in the future.

We are aware of this but it was a toss up between living in a run down house for 4-5 years whilst we clear debt just to limit what ex got or spend as little as possible to make it so that the house is nicer but accept this would benefit my ex.

It’s a shame you didn’t do this kind of questioning when deciding to have your son…you would have been told similar

You are still ignoring the issue if he meets someone and has a child with them, or they have a child already. Would you put all children together into the third bedroom and have some commune arrangement? I mean it does work in some cultures.

You need proper advice from a solicitor about the house and I think your partner needs to definitely think about this arrangement. I don't know whether you can force a sale, as you say ex doesn't want to sell as he wants to keep the animals there, but to me that is a pretty poor reason. If I was your partner I would seek legal advice about his rights, as I don't even know what he is in your house (he is paying a lot of money but is completely at risk if you break up of not having any protection). In some ways you sound like a dodgy landlord where you have someone paying you money, but for a poor quality home that you want them to help fix.

Both men are mugs in my opinion..your ex for this bizarre living arrangement and refusing to sell and your partner for going along with it, paying your mortgage and having a baby with you.

I feel like your last point is a factor no matter what. Even if I worked full time and my partner left me the tax payer would be contributing to my benefits top up, childcare top ups etc. If my partner left I would have to go full time but I would still be having help from the tax payer if I was in a minimum wage job.

Please don’t consider bringing in another baby at this stage. When your DS goes to school and starts to mention his home situation they’ll be rightfully concerned. So far your son lives with your ex-partner present in a house which lacks ceilings, a proper kitchen and is full of animals. I’d be highly surprised if it’s a what I’d personally consider a hygienic environment under those circumstances.

Love is not enough to bring up a child.

I think the OP is getting an incredibly hard time on here. Yes, none of this is ideal, and most people wouldn't have planned it that way. But what is done is done, and they both have a child, not just the OP.

She has made her case repeatedly and very clearly on this thread that if she ends up with a minimum wage job just so she can do more hours, she will bring home no more money than if she stayed in her current situation.

The reason she can't go back to retail management and earn a much higher wage, which would enable her to pay for child care and have money left over to pay down their debts, is because her partner is prioritising his career and working nights. So, her career is taking a hit because he isn't willing to be flexible with his.

Surely, the idea solution would be for him to switch to a retail management job during the day and the OP to look for something similar. Only then, when their financial situation would be looking a great deal healthier as a result of them both working full-time, would I be considering nursery in the OP's position. And it would mean they both had a lot more time with their child and together as a family.

I'd like to think if my ex met someone and had a child this would put him in the position of selling the house over the animals.

My partner is aware he has no legal rights to the house. Whilst it's not ideal it is the situation. None of us want to rent (especially with the cost of rent) so we all agreed we would stay in the house.

But we all agreed if any of us because unhappy or depressed with us all living together we would have to change it and sell the house regardless of how much we want to keep the animals.

I think you’re moving backwards tbh. 13mo is plenty old enough to get into FT childcare. Many millions of people are doing it. You can perhaps increase the days and work on some of them.

Unfortunately it isn't just a case of my partner prioritising his career and working nights. He hates nights besides the fact he earns more.

In order for us both to have daytime management retail we would both have the potential of working anywhere from 5am-11pm monday-sunday and obviously there is no childcare on a weekend or so early or late as well as most dont offer fixed shifts. If we could both have retail management jobs that were 9-5 Monday-friday we would be in heaven but unfortunately they don't really happen.

But it's definitely something we are keeping an eye out for.

The time to assess your priorities and find common ground is before you have children, not after.

Deciding to be a stay at home parent against the wishes of the person supporting you....life just doesn't work like that.

He could go into full time childcare. But he would be going into full time childcare for me to earn an extra £50-100 a month after paying for said childcare as well as a car and transport costs. So I'd be missing out on all that time with my son for £50 a month?

It's not a stay at home parent it's a part time working parent because working a minimum wage job that fits around childcare hours and partners hours doesn't make financial sense.

Well so far health visitor, doctors and nursery haven't raised any concerns around his environment. (Except the ceilings because of the dust but that should be sorted soon!)

So I'm not sure why school would suddenly raise concerns.

But that’s exactly my point OP.

You have made a decision to bring a child into this world without any consideration of your financial situation and stability for the child.Moving into your own home may have saved you some rent money, but it still isn’t a good environment to raise a baby in and you’re still not flush with cash?
And you are considering making this situation worse by having another.

I think there are a great many people even who don't have debt that if their partner left them they would need help from the other taxpayers.

It may not be the best environment but it's a temporary environment and my son is happy and healthy.

Op Kindly I really can’t believe you are still talking about a second baby. Genuinely it’s madness. Stay working part time for a little longer then get your child into nursery and work on the debts.
Once you have paid of debts and bought your ex out then you can think about another baby.

I will definitely think about putting the second baby on hold until things are a bit better. But I still need to work on making my partner happier or more accepting of me spending the next 4-8 years possibly longer working part time and having a more basic lifestyle.

I am a SAHM to a 15 month old and we get by on one wage plus hefty savings we saved over the past 10 years to be able to afford us to do this. We don't have £400 left over every month either, we have much, much less but we also have no debt, no car payment, our house is already done up etc

I think you actually might need to work given your circumstances of debt. Could you keep your 2 night shifts and also work the days your son is in nursery?

If hes in nursery anyway then you won't be missing out on time with him?