Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

I definitely wouldn't be wasting money on nursery if you're only part time nights as there's no evidence it's beneficial to children before they are around three years old.
I think you're options are:

• full time and kids in nursery. Expensive and not ideal
• Part time in a better paid job
• Nights or weekend work so you bring home more as no nursery fees, your child is with family, but you don't see your partner
• Continue as you are but are resented by your partner
• You and your partner both go part time to split the childcare but maybe three or four days a week so only one or two days of childcare

Whose life is money going to improve? Is he going to step up and do some more parenting or is he just hoping to carry on exactly as he is now?

I'd definitely have a conversation about it. Wanting you to work more to ensure financial stability or because you're struggling to make ends meet is different to wanting a bigger house and better holidays; have an honest conversation about how those things aren't as important to you and see if can meet in the middle.

My childcare is free as we get the funding so that isn't an issue thankfully. We decided to put him in there as I didn't like going to the baby groups so we were concerned about his lack of social interaction and the affect on his speech.

Thank you for the rest of your opinion though. Unfortunately the job my partner is in now doesn't allow part time and he's keen to move up in his career so wouldn't want to impact it by going part time.

My partners argument with me going full time is from September we get 30 free hours plus tax free childcare to the benefits of me being in a full time job outweigh the cost but I don't feel like he thinks about the disadvantages for our kids of both parents working full time.

Thank you so much for your input though it gives me things to consider.

The 30 hours is term time only remember so if you need year round it'll be less than 30 a week, plus there'll be top ups to pay. You know this I'm sure, but I'd make sure he does.

Thank you. Yeah we know it's something like 22 hours for all year around plus the extra.

I get his point that we would he better off with me earning a full time wage but I want to be with my kids and I don't really want them raised by other people.

Lots of people work full time with young children, and their children are fine.

If you are struggling as a household for money, then working more is probably a good option, once the free hours kick in.

It is a lot of pressure on your DH otherwise.

Your child being unsettled at nursery is actually probably because they aren’t there enough to get used to it.

Attending a nursery doesn’t mean ‘your child is raised by other people’.

Perhaps 'raised' isn't the right way to phrase it. But personally if my child was spending 45 hours a week at nursery that's basically the equivalent of the amount of time I would then potentially get with my child after their sleep which is at the very least having someone else partially raising my child in my opinion as they are a significant part in their daily life.

But I completely appreciate that the majority of people have no choice In needing full time childcare and are greatful to be able to get the time they do with their children. I didn't mean to offend anyone using full time childcare. Sorry

I can't fault him as he's great. He does a lot of the cooking (as he prefers his cooking to mine) and he does nursery drop off on the days I'm working overnight etc. So he isn't like expecting to have everything done in the house etc and all the drop off etc done by me as well as me working full time. He's happy to pull his weight so that isn't a concern for me.

His opinion is money will improve all of our lives. Being able to move to a nicer area for schools and holidays and generally being able to not have to worry about money I guess is his goal as well as planning for retirement.

🤣🤣 that's my partners idea of hell and also wouldn't then actually help with the improving of finances as we would be about in the same position finance wise.

We aren't struggling we just aren't really in the position to improve our lives if that makes sense.

I do appreciate it's a lot of pressure for my partner. I suppose we just have different priorities and need to find some common ground.

@Calica1 I think what your dh is trying to verbalise is that he wants more out of life, he wants to feel like he gets something out of working as hard as he does and be able to take a nice holiday etc, he can’t do it alone so he needs you to earn more. Was it always the plan for you to be a sahm?

I guess another way to do it would be to have another child asap, and you agree that you are very part time on a temporary basis until the youngest is 2.5 for instance. That way there is an end date when you'll be really able to ramp up your earning, and you get time with the kids when they are little? I think it's much harder if you have a bigger gap between them (although obviously sometimes it's unavoidable) as it really drags the young years out when you want to be with them.

We rushed having our baby (I've wanted kids for years) but we hadn't been together long and the discussion about being a stay at home mum didn't come up until I was pregnant. We knew I couldn't return to my current role (store manager at coop) and I mentioned then that I wasn't keen on returning to work at all but finances at the end of my maternity meant I had to agree to work 2 nights a week at tesco to be able to afford the bills.

I can understand wanting more out of life and he does work hard but I guess my thought process is what we want doesn't matter its about what's best for our kids.

It doesn't help my family have very different opinions on the matter. My dad tells me I'm a bad person if I go back to my career as I've wanted kids forever and shouldn't then work full time as I should be a parent and my son will be affected by me working full time. Whereas my mum thinks me having financial independence incase something goes wrong with the relationship and also thinks it's good for kids to see their parents work.

So I get a lot of conflicting opinions and I just want whats best for my boy.

This is a very valid response and something I think I will definitely put out there as an option. I'm really keen for another anyway so may possibly work out as a good incentive for DP.

If your DH wants to move up in his career does that mean that he is expecting you to work full time but be the one who has to do drop offs/pick ups/sick days/school holidays and inset days?
If I was you I'd continue with part time. The 30 hours free childcare isn't actually 30 hours and some places have top up fees. Unless there are parent leave policies at work you will need to consider there may be periods of no pay if DC is ill, travel costs, extra money from not having as much time to shop around and be more efficiently

You will never get this time back with your DC and as you can afford to work part time and want to work part time, do it.

Listen to you mum! She’s right! Your dad is talking bullshit…and that’s easy for him to say I imagine.

And also what you want DOES matter! Happy parents=happy children. I know our kids come first but there’s a balance to be had here!

I say this as a very happy SAHM - there can be more than one way that is “best for the kids”. Our family works well with me being home - but that was a joint decision, with no financial worries. I have no doubt that my kids would also have been perfectly fine in nursery (DC1’s SEN aside) or with a childminder - I might have been more stressed and DH and I would both have had more on our plates, but the kids would have been fine regardless. You’re being very emotive taking about strangers etc - they aren’t strangers, they’re nursery workers he sees multiple times a week!

What would’ve impacted my kids far more than childcare arrangements or holidays or a nice house would be DH and I not being on the same page, arguing or resenting each other.

I’d also say there’s a middle ground between working full time and working two nights a week.

He is very lucky that he gets quite a lot of annual leave and we can also take emergency leave days etc for illness and currently he works nights so could do drop off and pick ups and if he moved to days he would likely be able to do one or the other due to retail hours. He also does all the shopping as he also works retail so generally gets it after work or we do an online shop. I can't fault him he's really helpful and doesn't expect me to do everything even with me being at home most of the time.

We are very lucky with our nursery we have no top up fees (obviously we would have to pay for any hours over the free hours) but I agree with you about not getting the time back with them. Which personally i think is more important than money!

I’m gonna be honest here, and it appears I’m in the minority. But I actually think you’re taking the pss here a bit. You want your partner to work full time - but you don’t want to work at all*. And you want to have another child, and still not work. Despite the fact your partner is voicing that he thinks it’s a lot of pressure solely on him to maintain your household on one salary, and would like some help so you can enjoy a better quality of life eg holidays.

Before anyone comes for me, I am a SAHM with 3 young children, who have all been to nursery despite being a SAHM. So in theory I can absolutely appreciate where you’re coming from, but the huge difference is that my husband is a very high earner, and we are both in agreement that our life runs significantly better with me at home and him at work. If we ever found ourselves in a situation where we couldn’t take our children on holiday, I would go back to work.

I also fundamentally disagree with your comment about not wanting “someone else” to raise your children. That’s just an excuse people use when they don’t want to work. Nursery has huge benefits, which you’ve already hinted at in your posts, and arguably your children would benefit more from being able to experience going on holiday and the other things an extra income would afford them, vs being at home with you alone every single day. All I’m getting from your posts is that you can’t be arsed working and you’re happy with everyone else (kids, partner) missing out on other things (spare money, holidays) just so you can stay home.

You say you get by on your wages, bwhatbdoes that mean? Do you have enough in savings and able to put more in savings, contribute a decent % to your pensions, own a house, put money in for you DCs savings each month, have enough for house maintenance and emergencies, have enough for a cheap holiday, some days out and activities for your DC? If yes then I would try to stay with what you’re doing, if no then you probably do need to work more. Could 4 days a week be a compromise?

Thank you for your response. But I will point out of you read my original post I do work 2 nights a week so it isn't a case of not wanting to work at all. But it is a case of not wanting to work more than that and lose time with my precious boy and be able to be there for him all the time I'm able to.

Are holidays more important than being with a parent or at least on of your parent being able to do school drop off or see plays and performances and take to clubs etc (those examples are obviously when he's a bit older at school) I feel like having 1 parent constantly there to be able to do all those things is more important than holidays and a nicer house.

But I really appreciate your opinion.