Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

You don’t HAVE to have another child @Calica1 , they don’t HAVE to be close in age to be close in relationship. Get yourselves sorted properly before you bring another child into it! Please!! Sort out the house, job and debts! Do yourself a favour, please!

No, I think you should be done at one child honestly. Or at least until you don’t own a home with your ex (?!), don’t have massive debts, don’t have a house without ceilings and have ideally married the person you propose to be financially dependent on.

Sorry realised I didn't quote you so you saw it.

It would be £50 a month not a week. My partner doesn't even contribute £50 a week!

Thank you for your response i appreciate the opinions although the marriage one I don't necessarily agree with. A lot of people don't get married anymore

And I understand that, I understand that want! Believe me do! But that doesn’t mean you make the decision to do it without laying the foundations first! It’s like buying a car because all you ever wanted is a car, first you need to get your lessons, then you need to pass your test, then you need to save money then you buy the car and at the same time you have tax and insurance. You don’t buy the car and then sit there thinking how am I gonna do this now? I need to pass my test. I need tax, I need insurance. Etc etc…

But either way. I'm still looking at 3 and a half years until my son is at school so that's 3 and a half years where I would be working full time in a minimum wage job just to pay out those extra earnings in childcare and vehicle expenses whilst my son misses out on quality time? I feel like it's a no brainer to stay home until he doesn't have childcare costs?

I would agree with the ‘you only get them young once’ purely because a colleague of mine when she retired said she bitterly regretted going back to work full time when they were young. And they were successful 20 somethings and her mum had looked after them for most of the time, but on her retirement she said it wasn’t worth it. It’s really stuck with me.

I understand what you are saying. My family had the same opinion but I made the decision and that can't be reversed now and I wouldn't change having my little boy for all the money in the world.

Most of those people who don’t get married would be financially comfortable enough to support themselves plus any dependents if their other half did a runner.

Why can't he just wait 3 more years til your son is at school? Surely your child's well-being is more important than a bigger house and holidays? Also is he going to step up with housework of you're going to be doing more hours? He probably hasn't thought of that

obviously it can’t be changed now, but you can certainly NOT have another child right now and try to sort everything out as much as you can before you do.

Point out to your partner that if you have 2 3 years apart, that’s only 8 years of part time working. Don’t worry you’ll still have at least 30 years then to work full time. By the time they are 5 they will be in school and you’ll really notice how little you see them.

Can you do anymore shifts at Tesco? Even an extra day a week would bring in some extra money.

I know nothing about retail shift working, but is there genuinely nothing between 8am and 9pm (or whatever hours you need to not clash with your DP).

I assume your parents can’t help out with childcare at all, even just to cover the shift gap between nursery opening/closing and you or DP working?

And marriage provides a lot of protection? If we split currently the house is in my name, his pension isn't big so that isn't going to have a huge impact on me if I get some of that anyway. And he would still have to pay child maintenance regardless (not that I expect or think me and my partner will split but I know things happen and you can never be certain) so I can't imagine what else being married would off protection for me? If anything marriage would benefit/protect him as he would be entitled to some of the house (obviously the intention long term is to have the house in both our names anyway)

Where is your ex and why is his name on the house still?

Youll have plenty of time to work full time when your dc are older. I would stay as you are for now, part time is ideal with young dcs imo (I say that as a full time worker but flexi wfh)
Holidays aren't even enjoyable when dc are young 😅
And the bigger house can wait a few years. Ideally I would have stayed part time until mine were at school but had a good opportunity arise, one which doesn't come around too often where I live .

Unfortunately I can't pick up an extra night shift as obviously my partner is working the night shift too. I keep an eye out for daytime overtime but it's rare it comes up and often first thing in the morning or late at night and obviously because it's overtime it's something I would then have to book childcare for which would eat away at what I'm earning and I'd have to get a second car on the off chance I manage to get a daytime overtime shift (which is a cost we don't really want)

Middle of the day retail shifts are extremely hard to come by. Most are afternoon into evenings and it's also £2.35 less an hour than my night shifts.

No family around that can help unfortunately. My mum is an hour and a half away and my dad works full time and we fell out recently.

But you seem to be not appreciating that just because it is your dream to have a child and spend all the time with them, that it is not someone else’s responsibility to fund that. Your partner is perfectly entitled to not want to fund that.
in the short term you may not feel better off working more but in the longer term you will have better employability, better pension and what people are trying to warn you about is that if unmarried and you split in a few years, you are less likely to be able to support yourself if you’ve been not building a solid career.
Please read this board and see how many women are left by their partners after not working and find themselves in a world of trouble.

When/ if you split up you’ll end up fucked unless you have some kind of career, or at least income.

@Calica1 the house belongs to you and your ex - is he not going to want you to sell up and get his share back at some point?

Who is paying the mortgage currently? Could you afford that on your own if your DP left?

I suppose you are right though - at this very moment your DP probably has more to lose than you. If he’s currently paying the mortgage on your property he’s a bit of a fool really. But you are the one talking about potentially having more children and being a SAHP until your youngest is at school. The tables will turn over those years you are out of the work place, especially if becomes the legal owner of your house.

My ex lives in the house (as I said its very complicated) we are more like friends that exes. We all seem to get along well and at the moment it works and helps us financially.

I moved out for a couple of years but we agreed I'd move back in with my partner as well when I found out I was pregnant as we didn't want to keep paying £1300 a month in rent when I own my house. Unfortunately I can't afford to buy him out but we don't want to sell and none of us be able to get back onto the property ladder. So we have agreed we will all stay living here unless we find anyone gets uncomfortable or it starts to not work.

It's not conventional I know but we get on very well and the world is bloody expensive so it helps us all out financially.

My ex can't afford his own place (debts and earnings) so currently there is no rush with giving him his share.

Me and my ex split the mortgage payment but obviously me and my partner pay it jointly as all our money goes together.

I didn’t write that because I’m a traditionalist. In a scenario where you want him to support you to stay home with kids (or work very part time), thus making yourself very financially dependent on him, not being married makes you very vulnerable if/when he decides he doesn’t want to provide for you anymore, has had enough of living in a doer upper he can’t afford to do up, with kids he was ambivalent about having, while you don’t see the point in working more and splits up with you.

Depending financially on a man you aren’t married to is not, in my opinion, a wise move. That said, I’ve had a whole chorus of people tell me being a SAHP and giving up my career was madness, regardless of marriage, so you have to make your own decisions.

I totally understand where people are coming from and appreciate all the advise and opnions. I guess it's just difficult to imagine working 45 hours a week for the same amount if money I'm earning doing 16 hours but losing all that time.

But I will explore my options. Perhaps I can negotiate with my other half and look at doing some training or a course whilst my kids are little which will allow me to earn more once they are a bit older.

Would I not still be financially dependant if I worked a full time job? If my bring home is the same after expenses as they are currently surely it's irrelevant if I'm working 16 hours and having £900 bring home or working 45 hours and having £900 bring home (after childcare and car expenses) I guess that's why I struggle to see how it's protecting myself?