Full time job with young kids

[Calica1]

Current situation is I have a 13 month old little boy who I get to spend a lot of time with as I'm lucky to only have to work 2 nights a week in a supermarket for us to get by.

My partner is really keen for me to go back to full time work in order for us to have more money and improve our lives (bigger house and nice holidays)

Our son is going to nursery 2 part days a week just to get some socialisation but honestly I think he hates it and I'm keen to pull him out which is the opposite of what getting a full time job would entail as he would have to go in full time.

In order to go back to work I'd have to retrain for something else as I can't go back to retail management as the hours don't work with 2 parents in retail management and personally I just think my little boy is just too little to be made to go be with strangers all day and barely see his parents.

I appreciate the fact my partner wants to improve our lives and also that he doesn't like our current arrangement of never seeing each other as I work the 2 nights he doesn't but I feel like our son is the priority. I'll also add I'm keen to have a second baby soon which then means putting 2 young kids in nursery just to earn more money.

So am I being unreasonable to say I just want to focus on my kids until they are a lot older and it's okay if we are getting by on my part time wage?

I do really appreciate everyone's responses. I understand I'm youngish and I am grateful for everyone's opinions!

To be honest, I feel really sorry for your other half, it doesn’t seem like he had much choice in having this child in the first place or even if he did, he didn’t have a clue what he was getting himself in for. And now he has to live in a house with you and your ex…a house that is not up standard that he is expected to pay for and he has nothing to gain for that! @Calica1 I really hope I’m wrong but I’m guessing that your boyfriend’s patience is wearing thin and he won’t stick around for much longer if he doesn’t see that his feelings and our life situation has been taken into consideration.

My ex lives in the house (as I said its very complicated) we are more like friends that exes. We all seem to get along well and at the moment it works and helps us financially

Oh OP, I’m kinda not surprised your DP wants some more income coming in. Working permanent night shifts to live in a house that needs a lot of work and is also home to his partners ex 🙈

It's definitely not an easy situation for him. Let's be honest nobody wants to be in a situation like this.

I 100% was to take his feelings and life situation into consideration but it also needs to make sense for us too. But I really appreciate all your responses to give me some perspective.

I completely understand why he wants more income coming in as well even people in better situations than us want more money. But there isn't a practical way for me to actually make that happen as working full time at minimum wage with a child in nursery and extra expenses gains us nothing.

So it's how I can try to make him feel better in the meantime until me working full time makes financial sense. As I want him to be happy.

Oh come on, 28 isn't that young ffs. Women are being told not to wait until it's too late. But then late 20s is too young?! No matter what age people have kids they have the same hurdles. Childcare isn't cheap, life isn't cheap
You have to sacrifice, either your kids childhood or unimportant things like fancy cars, holidays and nice houses. Kids don't care about any of that.

But it doesn’t make sense, not in the slightest, and I think you know that. I’m sorry but I think that if you really want your relationship to work with your current partner, you need to work harder at getting out of that house or getting your ex out, all the more reason to get a job. Don’t have another baby @Calica1 that would be another stupid decision that would just compound every other issue!

28 isn’t too young no…but it is when you don’t have any ducks in a row!

If there was a job option which actually allowed us to buy my ex out of the house and have more money that would be great. But all the jobs that are 9-5 are minimum wage as I'm not experienced or qualified in any office type jobs that allow those sort of hours which pay higher. So me getting a job won't allow us to buy my ex out any sooner.

Unfortunately it's one of those situations where there isn't an option currently that is going to make my partners life better or happier. Perhaps if I can give him hope that in the future things will be different then he might be able to cope. But without being able to magic up a 30-40k job that's 9-5 to actually make a difference to our bring home then we are kinda stuck.

Do you think you would be on minimum wages for ever? Would you not progress? I think it’s quite usual for parents of young children to feel like they are treading water for a year or two when the kids are so young but they are moving forward just more slowly.

Also what would change when your little one went to school? The hours are 8:30-3 (plus or minus a bit depending on the school) with 13 weeks off. At that point will you still say because of childcare cost/logistics that it’ll be easier for you to be off?

Personally, I think it’s completely valid you don’t want to go back to work with your LO so young ( not what I chose but you aren’t me!). However, if I had no ceiling and no complete kitchen and I was living with my partner’s ex I think I would be mid break down if my partner wasn’t working full time as well.

And you still think the sensible thing to bring into this scenario, that’s going to in any way make this better, is another baby?

Hi OP, I’m sympathetic to you because I was in a similar position, in that my earnings would have been eaten up by childcare if I went FT.
It just seemed insane to rush around and not see my tiny child to only earn essentially £45 a MONTH extra, the rest going to nursery.

In some ways I’m glad I didn’t.
But I will say, working very little when the kids were tiny (redundancy/covid on my 2cnd mat leave) had a hugely negative impact on my relationship and my long term earning potential.
I was a bit older than you but I’m now 41 and scraping £27k and basically re starting a career.

listen to your partner’s concerns and PP’s advice (sounds like you are!)
I wouldn’t say go FT but if possible start to think what retraining you can do, what skills you can learn, what hours keep your foot in the door, so you have something to build on.

As from the sounds of it, you’ll have a second child in the mix at some point and a huge divide between you two. He earns and is resentful, you do all the childcare, etc - it can really break a relationship.
then you’ll have very little to fall back on.

you have plenty of time as you’re young, and don’t need to be working full time straight away!
but also don’t see money spent on childcare now as totally wasted (as I did). It is just as important for you and your son’s future.
And if you do want a second, why not work more then enjoy the mat leave “break” when it comes - then you can have two closer together but a more secure footing (it won’t seem it, but trust me getting a job after years out will be much tougher!)

Hope you find something that works for you all

If I was working a basic office job yeah I would imagine myself on minimum wage forever. It took me a long time to find I loved retail as a career and the i was able to move up quickly. Every office job I've had I've quit as I hated it (being at a desk taking phonecalls or staring at a computer isn't the sort it thing I can get my head into)

I'd like to think that the costs would be less for childcare by that age. 2-3 hours a day vs 8-9 hours a day. Part of me also goes on the hope that my partners plan is to move up so he will hopefully be earning more which would help us have the lifestyle he wants.

I think my logic with having a second baby is the longer we leave the gap between children the longer I'm definitely not going to be able to go back to full time work or a career. In my mind 4-6 years of life being a bit harder having 2 kids and me working part time to then come out the other end with less debt (most of the debt is loans so they expire in 4 years) hopefully my partner moving up and earning more and potentially a more realistic view at me being able to go back to full time work (potentially could do some retraining over the next 4-6 years)

But perhaps my logic is wrong and I should wait until my son is at school and the debt to be gone (around the same sort of timeframe) so we then have more disposable income to then have another baby and then wait another 4 years before getting a full time job.

@Calica1 as I have said I hate the term office job…but my office job earns me 50k and I’m no where near management level…I’m only 1.5 yrs qualified and I started at 40k. They are not all minimum wage.

But my income from a full time job after childcare expenses and car expenses is the same as my income from working 2 nights a week. So I wouldn't be any less screwed working full time as I am working part time currently.

I actually think it’s really sad that you can only see disadvantages to your kids being in nursery and going back to work full time.

You are making excuses because you want to stay home - that’s fine but there are millions of children who aren’t with SAHM who are thriving, flourishing and amazing.

Why ask for advise when you just don’t want to?

I'm amazed and envy your ability to find such a job. When I've looked for jobs around me that are entry level they are all minimum wage. But I will keep an eye online for such an amazing entry level job that pays 40k! I imagine they are like golddust.

Honestly because I only see disadvantages at this age. A 1 year old only seeing his mum for 2-3 hours a day and spending the rest on a 1:3 ratio with other adults being restricted on when you can eat and sleep and having to share attention and not get the love and comfort of your mum. Yeah it makes me extremely sad to think of that being my sons life.

However, it makes me feel even worse to imagine putting my son through that with no benefit. If I was looking at going to a job where I was earning 40-50k and it would mean transforming my sons life and being able to take him on amazing days out and holiday and nice houses and put him in a decent school then maybe it would be worth it. But for him to miss out on all that quality love and care for absolutely 0 financial or lifestyle benefit that just seems cruel.

And the advice is extremely helpful when trying to work things out and have discussions with my partner and to see his and other people's point of view.

I may not agree with everyone's opinions or peoples opinions may not be practical in my eyes but that doesn't mean the opinions aren't helpful and don't help me to have a discussion with myself and my partner.

What is your husband’s plan long term in terms of covering childcare for sick days/strike days/school holidays etc?
our priority has always been having someone home with the kids- we didn’t want them looked after by anyone else when they were little and they all started nursery at 3 (mornings only) when they got their funding.
I do work but part time- I do 3 evenings or nightshifts a week as a nurse. Husband is full time. If we could afford me to be a SAHM he would have me give up work in a heartbeat.

If you are planning a bigger family in the future- it’s worth considering the practicalities of retraining and going full time if you will be having to potentially stop and start what you are doing.

Retail are pretty good with sicks days etc but this is also a concern. The reality is as the person earning the least it would be me constantly having to take time off everytime he was ill which if he is anything like i was as a child that coukd be very frequently in which case i wouldny have a job for long! plus we would always have to use annual leave separately to cover school holidays ontop of not having any days off together due to our working schedules. I feel like we are choosing money over everything else. Not much point having money for holidays if we can never take annual leave at the same time or have a weekend off together.

Thank you for your response it give a different point of view and something that needs to be considered.

@Calica1 my advice was have another child and retrain while at home then back to work in something more high earning . You are correct there is no point working full time for the income as part time .
However your update puts a whole new spin on everything .
If you stay at home for a while longer then get back to work for a few years pay of debts and get a place to live just you and your dp.
Then you can think about another child and part time again . You need to give your dp a goal you are both working too. .He will soon tire of living with your ex no matter how much he loves you .

Another baby needs to be put on hold untill you sort out your financial situation and living arrangements.

@Calica1I think what stands out quite significantly is that you’re prioritising your children (which to some extent I agree with - my children come first for both my husband & I) - however, it does feel a little like you’re prioritising the children in such a way that the only person who suffers is your partner. He works full time but has little spare cash, no prospect of saving to by your ex out of the house, and no prospect of going on holiday. All because you think the children will benefit more from you being at home. You use a lot of examples about being there for school pickups etc but…..your child is 1yr old. That’s a very long way away.

Also it doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can be a working parent and still be around for school runs, extracurriculars, scjool
trips, Easter church services etc. Arguably youd probably actually have more flexibility if you started a job now and needed flexibility in 3+ years time when he starts school, than you would if you start a job when he goes to school and you have to look for something that is flexible from the outset.

Your posts are just generally very defeatist. You say you can’t get this job and you can’t get that job, you’ll only get minimum wage with unsociable hours. You won’t ever get a 9-5 etc but with respect, how do you know if you haven’t tried?

You should be willing to work full time and he should be willing to do his share of childcare and housework. To balance things out.