To refer myself to social services

[Neuroticmillenial]

I’ve hit ADHD burnout and I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have an autistic son (high functioning but very demanding) and a toddler who’s like the Duracell bunny! I have no village. Half my family are dead or live the other side of the world! I feel completely alone!

My toddler fell down the stairs a few weeks ago. I was stood right next to him and he was holding onto the bannister at the top of the stairs. I went to grab his hand and he just let go. My friend took us to a&e and my DH told us he was fine and I was wasting their time, etc. Didn’t offer to take us, didn’t ring MIL to see whether she’d stay with eldest (she only lives 5 minutes away).

Was sat in A&E for hours and was told he’d be seen next so I rang my mother because my phone was low on battery and she’d offered to pick us up. When she turned up he still hadn’t been seen but the receptionist said he’d be next. I asked DM to sit with me and wait just 10 minutes and she kicked off and threatened to go home. Meanwhile I had the receptionist hinting it was a safeguarding issue if he wasn’t seen while my mum was kicking off and everyone was staring. Luckily the doctor called us and he’s absolutely fine!

Do you know the worst part? I can drive but have no car and I’m too scared to drive DH’s car due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. We live in a rural area and my kids miss out on so much because I’m too terrified to get behind the wheel again. Even when I need to take my kid to A&E! Feel like a total failure!

My house is a mess. My kids eat air fried, frozen, processed crap.

I love them to bits but I need a break. Just one afternoon a week to clean, meal plan, quiet my thoughts.

I promised my son a birthday party. I was hoping to do the food and preparation today but my husband fucked off out to his man cave. His attitude is that he told me to book a soft play or leisure centre so it’s on me. No practical support whatsoever!

I want to ask SS for respite because I can’t function. I keep forgetting stuff. I keep crying in front of the kids. Will they help me or just penalise me further?

I’ll be embarrassed about this post in the morning. Just need a place to rant and I’m genuinely wanting to call them!

You mention a DH

but then make zero reference to him doing one single thing op

Daft to live very rurally if you can’t drive op
so many on mumsnet do though!
is moving an option?
do you work?

You could definitely make a referral, but there is very little chance of you being awarded respite.

'D'H before SS surely?

Sorry you're having such a hard time OP x

It's brave to admit you need help.

There's no harm in referring yourself to social care for Early Help, it's their job. See what they can offer?

1. Get some driving lessons to help you with your confidence to start driving again.
2. Pick one thing at a time to deal with.
3. Social services is a complete red herring. Nothing good can come from contacting them. More scrutiny will lead to increased stress. Respite is not likely.

@JBrumours he’ll be a useless twat then I’ll threaten to leave and he pulls it out the bag and takes the kids out, takes us on days out. I’ll start to lean and depend on him again and suddenly I feel all alone again!

Respite is very hard to come by for kids with very high level needs. No wonder you’re overwhelmed though with so little support. What does your DH contribute to the picture?

So much to unpick here here

do you work?

Not only would my jaw hit the floor if SS actually became involved on you referring yourself on the grounds you have a useless dh and you need a break, I’d be very disturbed

You have a DH
you have a mum who is close enough to come to A&E when asked
your MiL lives 5 mins away.

to say you have no village seems disingenuous.

take some refresher driving lessons / buy a car you are prepared to drive.
pay for childcare once a week.

what, realistically, do you want social services to do? You just need a bit of time,

Are you eligible for the free hours for childcare?

You have a DH problem. He’s fucking useless.

Please don’r beat yourself up about the stairs fall. You child is fine and you will learn from it. My SIL and I let my nephew fall when he was a baby. We’re both great parents to our kids, honest. I mean, it wasn’t our best moment in obviously but we didn’t beat ourselves up over it - and neither should you.

Ps my nephew is fine. He’s a grown man now.

@JBrumours no but I want to when youngest goes to flying start in September. just hope I cope okay!

Unfortunately you really have to fight tooth & nail for respite from SS, it is so difficult because the resource simply isn’t there and it is typically only available (at least where we are) currently for those with really high needs and who have absolutely no other way of getting a break, it’s a high bar.

You have a husband, he needs to be doing his share. None of this “ah he just fucked off to the man cave”, nope, take the kids to “the man cave”, go out. Walk round the block and sit on the floor for an hour if that’s what you need, but you leave those kids with their dad and leave the house.

I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment. Your H needs to step up. I’m sure if you told how much you were struggling (to the point of wanting to refer yourself to SS, he would step up.)

So youngest doesn’t already attend nursery?

If the youngest is school nursery age send them to nursery!

You have effectively become entirely reliant on your husband who you despise and say doesn’t offer you any support.,, for all finances and transport

I’m really sorry but it’s unlikely you’ll meet threshold. There’s no respite anyway. Tell your DH that you’ll walk if you can’t pay for a days child care a week.

You won’t get respite if you have a partner I’m afraid, they ll just tell you he needs to be a father and help!

I’m so sorry OP. Sounds like your village (DH, MIL and mum) aren’t helping you when you need it.

First and foremost, your DH needs to step up. Why are you taking this all on your shoulders?

Speak to your mum and get your DH to speak to MIL to see if they can/are willing to offer some support also.

Don’t beat yourself up - you sound a caring mum. This is not all on you.

You need to speak to your DH and layout that you need his help and support and mean it. You can’t refer to SS asking for respite because your DH is crap, parents with profundity disabled children have to fight for that kind of help, it isn’t an alternative childcare provider because your DH is useless fgs.

Is nursery an option? Childminder? They can do pick ups and drop offs. Do you have access to funds?

Go to your GP, get a therapy referral, talk through how you are feeling and see what support there is.
You have a husband problem. Often in an unhappy relationship it can really affect your confidence, anxiety, stress, depression levels. You'd be surprised how much more clear your mind is when you aren't spending so much energy on a man who isn't a good partner for you.
You love your kids, be kind to yourself. I thi j I understand youngest doesn't go to nursery, could this be arranged and would give you the respite you need. Some of the women I know who I think are amazing mothers have recently told me how much they doubt themselves. They don't think they are doing enough, food is good enough, house isn't clean enough, not doing the school work, etc. I have been floored as they seem to have it together, I've admired them. I say this with care, we all think we could do better. But you can tell you love and care for you children. That means a lot. Be kind to yourself.