To refer myself to social services

[Neuroticmillenial]

I’ve hit ADHD burnout and I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have an autistic son (high functioning but very demanding) and a toddler who’s like the Duracell bunny! I have no village. Half my family are dead or live the other side of the world! I feel completely alone!

My toddler fell down the stairs a few weeks ago. I was stood right next to him and he was holding onto the bannister at the top of the stairs. I went to grab his hand and he just let go. My friend took us to a&e and my DH told us he was fine and I was wasting their time, etc. Didn’t offer to take us, didn’t ring MIL to see whether she’d stay with eldest (she only lives 5 minutes away).

Was sat in A&E for hours and was told he’d be seen next so I rang my mother because my phone was low on battery and she’d offered to pick us up. When she turned up he still hadn’t been seen but the receptionist said he’d be next. I asked DM to sit with me and wait just 10 minutes and she kicked off and threatened to go home. Meanwhile I had the receptionist hinting it was a safeguarding issue if he wasn’t seen while my mum was kicking off and everyone was staring. Luckily the doctor called us and he’s absolutely fine!

Do you know the worst part? I can drive but have no car and I’m too scared to drive DH’s car due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. We live in a rural area and my kids miss out on so much because I’m too terrified to get behind the wheel again. Even when I need to take my kid to A&E! Feel like a total failure!

My house is a mess. My kids eat air fried, frozen, processed crap.

I love them to bits but I need a break. Just one afternoon a week to clean, meal plan, quiet my thoughts.

I promised my son a birthday party. I was hoping to do the food and preparation today but my husband fucked off out to his man cave. His attitude is that he told me to book a soft play or leisure centre so it’s on me. No practical support whatsoever!

I want to ask SS for respite because I can’t function. I keep forgetting stuff. I keep crying in front of the kids. Will they help me or just penalise me further?

I’ll be embarrassed about this post in the morning. Just need a place to rant and I’m genuinely wanting to call them!

I'd be looking at nursery/ childminder/ babysitter, something to give you this time off for yourself. It of course depends if you can afford it.

SS won't help here. People are begging for respite and they seem to never be able to provide it.

Can you leave the kids with husband sometimes? He sounds an incredibly unhelpful guy.

I'm sorry things are so difficult, OP.

I work in a safeguarding role. Social services are not going to fund respite care because your DH is selfish and doesn't give you a break. I'm sorry but it's just not going to happen. However, if you contact them they might offer to signpost you to support for your own emotional wellbeing and groups where you can meet other parents of SEND children. Every local authority is different in terms of their Early Help offer, but ours includes intervention from Family Support Workers who would potentially meet with you and DH to talk about what needs to change and encourage him to step up. They also have volunteer Parent Mentors who would call you weekly so you could offload and get advice, they tend to be parents whose children are adults now so they've been through it and come out the other side. None of this is about giving you a "break" as such, that's really not what Children's Services are for in this scenario. But it might mean you wouldn't feel like you were doing it all alone.

Can’t imagine how desperate you must feel to want to have Social Services in your life willingly. Your husband needs to step up and take some of the load before you blow 🤯 maybe a divvying up of chores / cooking / you each take the kids either Saturday or Sunday to give the other one a break? Are the kids in any active clubs to burn off some energy? Are they supported in their childcare settings? What are yours and your husband’s working situations?

I’d really recommend a Pass Plus course to build your confidence or invest in a car you can drive. Having to rely on other people to get you places just add to the anxiety.

Re meal planning - make a list of 10 meals you like, do 2-3 a week with leftovers days, remind yourself that freezer food is absolutely fine if you need to do it. Would a Hello Fresh type subscription help to take away some of the stress of planning?

Can you talk to your mum calmly about how her behaviour made you feel and how it wasn’t appropriate - or will she likely react badly?

Sending you solidarity because it can be the worst when you feel like nobody is on your team xx

This is confusing. You mention both your mum and MIL living close by. However, if they’re really not able or willing to help, it’s down to you and your dh.
However you really ought to start driving again- it sounds like you have access to a car. It’s not very reasonable to live very rurally but then refuse to drive and it’ll put pressure on those around you to ferry you about. Also your options to get work are far more limited if you won’t drive.

it sounds tough, those toddler years are and with additional needs on top. But really, it’s down to you and your dh to manage home/ children/ earning and you’ll just end up getting resentful and depressed if you’re expecting support from wider family when they’re not able or willing to provide it

i don’t think SS is appropriate at all, they are extremely stretched and although this sounds tough I doubt it would meet any threshold for them taking the kids off your hands

I'm one of those mothers who has a disabled child who has been approved for 8hrs term time and 15hrs for school holidays,we've been looking for a year with no luck and you have all my sympathy, people need to be a bit kinder in their posts imo.
ADHD burnout is not something many will understand unfortunately, you do have people around you but they are all a bit shit and not helpful at all which makes this harder for you.
I don't have an answer unfortunately but I don't think referring yourself to SS is wrong or useless at all, worth a punt.
Also see if your child's school has a family liaison officer who may be able to sign post you to other agencies that may help.

Hi OP - sorry to hear you’re struggling, I’ve been alone with a little one and Injave ADHD and I know how hard it is. It sounds as though you do have a village but they’re useless.

Can you tell us a bit more about why your DH isn’t helping? He should be helping with your kids and the house, why isn’t he? What’s the situation with your mum and MIL? A bit more info might help us advise how to tackle the situation.

Which county are you in? It’s unlikely you live near me but if you did I would come and give you a hand. Have you tried Home Start? If they have local volunteers to you they will come and help with childcare or house work, depending on what you need. https://www.home-start.org.uk They didn’t have anyone local to me so I can’t tell you first hand what they’re like but I’ve heard good things. X

I think this sounds like you have a DH problem. He sounds very unsupportive and seems to undermine you in the examples you’ve mentioned. I think working out your relationship with DH needs to be your priority before calling Social Services?

They'll probably see it as a good thing that you know when to ask for help - does your husband not help at all?

I’ve self referred myself to SS a few times due to having a medically complex child and having another who has ASD and is violent and I’m a single parent with no input from a violent ex and I do have my parents but they work full time. Each time they have come out - I have told them everything, have cried my eyes out told them I’m on medication I’m struggling- the absolute bare truth and each time they say there’s nothing they can help me with because in their eyes I have “an excellent parenting capability, I meet all my children’s needs, they attend school when they are able to, they attend all their medical appointments etc” and therefore I don’t meet their criteria for support!! The system is broken
you can refer but I doubt you’ll get anywhere

definitely speak to your other half because he needs to step up consistently because you can’t keep doing it alone while he is there
either that or LTB and he has them on weekends and you then get regular breaks.

I thought this! Your children have a father who lives with them, why can't you have some time to yourself every week?

You mention you have a husband and a mum who offers lifts. They are your village. Ask them to step up. It’s what SS will do if you contact them.

I work as a family support worker and you may meet threshold to receive support from one. Definitely wouldn’t get social services or respite but early help can organise family mediation, help you plan things better, signpost to support, etc. It can be very effective for some families. Good luck.

That’s not what SS does/ is for. I’m sorry you’re struggling though and agree you need and deserve a break.

Please do yourself this favour. Say you are going out make sure he knows and walk out no talking no communication just go. Spend the money for a taxi or go get some practice in driving a lone maybe make that your daily/weekly thing that also helps you gain confidence. Or maybe look in to a hobbie that is just your own or even book a hotel once a month and have that as your treat. They will survive without you. Your husband sounds useless but hopefully knows how to use an airfrier and you will have to make a plan for that if it continues but in this moment you need to focus on you. So out you go. You need to realise that no one is coming to save you. Not SS not ur mum or useless husband and you are one person so something has to give so from now on you get your hour or night off even if you have to force the situation. I get it I really do sometimes you feel like your on your knees begging for a break from it all but he has responsibility too remember If you broke up he would have his days to don't be fooled in to thinking this is just on you.

I’ve voted YABU purely for the fact that you have a husband who you live with who should be doing more and not leaving this all to you.

Sit him down and tell him enough is enough. It took two people to create these human beings and they have two parents. Tell him to start acting like one.

Get a whiteboard to put up somewhere visible for all to see and have the days jobs allocated equally. This should include meal making, house chores, washing, bath time etc.

Tell him to fucking step up or piss off.

You sound like your drowning it would be great if someone could come in actually see you and support you but unfortunately SS are more likely to dismiss you

I wouldn’t describe the DH as “useless”

after all he is the one in employment
and he is the one upon which the family are dependent to get anywhere

Definitely do it OP...I think some posters have misunderstood you here. SS is a bit different for disabled children and they should be able to offer some sort of respite, doesn't matter who is at home and who "should be" helping.

I might be worth having a chat to your health visitor and explaining how much you’re struggling. They can access early nursery placements which would give you some time during the day to rest and catch up with yourself. If they think you meet the criteria for additional help they can liaise with social work to access this.

While your DH should step up, you might benefit from some more structured support, but start with your health visitor.

@JBrumours ofcourse the husband can be useless but also provide it sounds like the OP is doing ten jobs to her husbands one and if OP up and left tomorrow I wonder if he would even be able to keep that with kids in toe. Women quite often have to sacrifice careers, hobbies, sanity for the sake of being mum however dad gets to stroll around like the big I am because he gets to go to work couldn't possibly be a useless husband or father for doing the bare minimum. Because work is also a break from family demands and a lot of people forget that.

what happened at A&E?

Are you taking medication for your anxiety and intrusive thoughts? Sertraline would be very helpful in this situation. If you’re on medication already you probably need a medication review to increase the dose or change the type of medication

Do Homestart still exist? They can give you respite https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Put so much better than I could.

It might depend on where you live, but for me respite comes via having a named children with disabilities socail worker. Getting it was a massive battle. I had a non verbal 6 year old strangling my four year old and punching her in the head multiple times a day and I still didn't meet criteria. I had to complain to the head of children's services - but the cut off now is kids who need over night care ( feeding tube at night - ventilator)

However early help is part of socail care and they absolutely could help. Possibly not with respite as it looks under CWD socail care, but there is free nursery places for SEN kids, Homestart etc.

If your not coping, your not coping. It shouldn't be such a high bar for help and parents of children who have disabilities shouldn't be defending such a high bar. My son not being tube fed wouldn't have stopped him giving my dd a brain injury via strangulation.

Anyway OP I had free nursery funding, Homestart, and things do and can pass with time and get better.