To refer myself to social services

[Neuroticmillenial]

I’ve hit ADHD burnout and I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have an autistic son (high functioning but very demanding) and a toddler who’s like the Duracell bunny! I have no village. Half my family are dead or live the other side of the world! I feel completely alone!

My toddler fell down the stairs a few weeks ago. I was stood right next to him and he was holding onto the bannister at the top of the stairs. I went to grab his hand and he just let go. My friend took us to a&e and my DH told us he was fine and I was wasting their time, etc. Didn’t offer to take us, didn’t ring MIL to see whether she’d stay with eldest (she only lives 5 minutes away).

Was sat in A&E for hours and was told he’d be seen next so I rang my mother because my phone was low on battery and she’d offered to pick us up. When she turned up he still hadn’t been seen but the receptionist said he’d be next. I asked DM to sit with me and wait just 10 minutes and she kicked off and threatened to go home. Meanwhile I had the receptionist hinting it was a safeguarding issue if he wasn’t seen while my mum was kicking off and everyone was staring. Luckily the doctor called us and he’s absolutely fine!

Do you know the worst part? I can drive but have no car and I’m too scared to drive DH’s car due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. We live in a rural area and my kids miss out on so much because I’m too terrified to get behind the wheel again. Even when I need to take my kid to A&E! Feel like a total failure!

My house is a mess. My kids eat air fried, frozen, processed crap.

I love them to bits but I need a break. Just one afternoon a week to clean, meal plan, quiet my thoughts.

I promised my son a birthday party. I was hoping to do the food and preparation today but my husband fucked off out to his man cave. His attitude is that he told me to book a soft play or leisure centre so it’s on me. No practical support whatsoever!

I want to ask SS for respite because I can’t function. I keep forgetting stuff. I keep crying in front of the kids. Will they help me or just penalise me further?

I’ll be embarrassed about this post in the morning. Just need a place to rant and I’m genuinely wanting to call them!

There is no respite for families in your situation. I would definitely recommend you contact early help and ask for an assessment but that won't get access to respite.

As pp.,say respite is very unlikely I do get respite for my now 15 year old but he's severely disabled and has very complex needs
Are there any local groups nearby for children with autism ?
These may make you feel.less alone .

Respite ,is still.unlikely though ,the Op.would most likely be offered parenting courses and not much in the way of practical support.

Early Help might be able to signpost groups/organisations but I doubt you’ll get any respite care. They don’t compensate for useless husbands.
You might benefit from The Freedom Programme because frankly your ‘d’h needs you more than you need him. He’s conditioned you otherwise.
Get your ducks in a row.

What do you actually want SS to do, I don’t understand what your expectations of respite are? Is it for yourself or the children?

As PP have said I’m not sure how much help they’ll offer given on paper you have support with a DH DM DMIL. I think these are the people you need to telling you need more help.

And unless I am mistaken she would then have to declare that she’d had involvement from social services for the duration of her children’s life?

So you need to learn your lesson. You can’t rely on him.

I suspect your mental health would improve if ye was gone. No good partner would behave this way.

It doesn't work that way in most LA,s respite is very limited and usually offered only to those with the most complex needs
I know loads of families who have children with autism and it's only those whose children are severely impacted that are offered respite and even then it can take years.

Early Help may well be the place to start. Or school nursing. Ideally you would find a charity the supports families of autistic children because not all agencies understand the specific challenges.
(I hope your h gives himself a boot up the behind)

Put the toddler in nursery one day a week?

This^
however unless things are more dire than you’ve mentioned it’s really hard to get respite. Our council now reserves this for significant physical disability or for children with SEND who are on the edge of care.

Your DH needs to step up. Why are you allowing him to slack off to his man cave?? Send the kids in there and let him care for them while you cook/plan/breathe!

@NeuroticmillenialI do sympathise OP but your thinking that SS would give respite to a married mother who simply “needs a break” is breathtaking. Gently, there’s disabled lone parents like myself with children with ASD/Downs & other more severe SEN or disabilities etc who have spent years begging & begging for respite, even just one day a month and are still waiting and hoping. Just to put it into perspective for you. Unfortunately Tory cuts have skinned the funding for these services, down to the very bone; So much so that it often barely even exists at all in some areas. I know of an elderly couple in their 70s who have temporary care of their 2 great grandchildren with Downs and whom desperately need a break but even they can’t get funding for one day a month. They’ve resorted to hiring a nanny one weekend a month out of their own money.
Would hired help be an option? I obviously have no clue of your financial circumstances.

Believe it or not though, I do sympathise. Given my own situation, I know only too well what burn out feels like, regardless of who should or shouldn’t be helping!

Social Work will not do anything , they struggle to offer any services to families that most people would assess as having a very high level of need. Even if you met their criteria, the most likely outcome would be a small budget to buy in services - however these services are very few and far between and very very over subscribed. Books and films really do oversell the idea that there is a wonderful featherpadded net waiting to catch us all

Family therapy with dh.
There are two adults here.
Dh needs to step up..

And put the dc in nursery or childminder

Get a grip OP, this is what being a parent is. Your Husband needs to step up and you need to realise this isn't a need for respite.

This was my exact thinking. You're in a partnership but he isn't. You're left juggling everything when your team mate who is supposed to be pulling half the weight just decides to wash his hands of things he doesn't feel like doing. Often being in that type of relationship is more lonely and frustrating than actually being alone.

I think you need to sit down with him and lay it out that he has to start stepping up or he can decide what contact arrangements he wants.

If he was working with you then there's no reason why he couldn't go out for a morning and let you have some time to yourself. You say he disappears off to his man cave - how many hours does he spend doing things like that for himself in the week while you hold the fort and how many do you get while he holds Fort? No wonder why you're burnt out.

The kind of respite for disabled children that used to exist has gradually been reduced and reduced over the years. When my severely disabled son was a child (20 years ago) we could still get small amounts of respite -though even then it a fight to get it and definitely not the norm. I still work with familes with severely disabled children and eve the small crumbs we had have mostly been swept away

Op I really feel for you. You could have parents and partner with you but sometimes it doesn't make a difference because they are completely useless. I would stick the toddler in nursery even if half a day or a day, get your husband to pay and unwind. Go for a coffee, go and sit in a park when it's sunny, do some window shopping. You will feel so much better over the weeks and will have energy for the kids and the housework. Look after yourself first and foremost. Eat well, drink water and take supplements if you need to and have a day to yourself at least a week.

I think you’re being very judgemental.
Having children with different needs as well as juggling ADHD is very hard.
Social services should be offering support . OP is entitled to a carers assessment to support her ie respite , employ cleaner etc If she’s ill and becomes unable to support what will happen to her family.
OP is there a carers resource near you that could advice you.
Are you a single parent OP ? Could your H help parent his children ?

Unfortunately, I think the reality does not meet your expectations - I realise you would like these services to be available but they just aren't. Social Work will not act in any situation unless someone high up in Social Work gives approval and it is a long long process to get there and there will strong pressure put on anyone left alive in the house to go on pretending to cope. Offering respite is now viewed as a last resort for families in extreme crisis and even then you will need to say a lot of prayers and hope the universe is in a good mood

But that's not going to.happen ,they are extremely limited in what they can offer and they certainly won't be funding a cleaner
Having a severely disabled child myself it took me years to get a decent package of respite and this is only because he has extremely complex needs

Im.luckier than most I do get respite including two overnights a month but my teen is severely disabled, and we have only been getting overnight for about a year ,this is a child in a special school for children with severe and profound learning disabilities
What respite is available is usually reserved for those with the highest needs

Have a day off on weekends and a couple of evenings a week to do what you need while your husband sorts the kids and whatever else.
Write this as a weekly schedule, your husband does it, or you leave him.
And stick to it.
He also gets a day on the weekend and a couple of evenings to do what he likes. Fairest way.
SS are not there to give a mother a break because a father won't do anything for his family.

Is there any other respite you can organise?
A free playgroup where you can meet friends?
Can you ask DH to take kids out for a walk around a large lake every Saturday for the morning and lunch?
Would your mother come and batch cook with you one afternoon - for practical fun?
Can you set up the yard safely so kids can go there for 20 minutes by themselves?