To refer myself to social services

[Neuroticmillenial]

I’ve hit ADHD burnout and I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have an autistic son (high functioning but very demanding) and a toddler who’s like the Duracell bunny! I have no village. Half my family are dead or live the other side of the world! I feel completely alone!

My toddler fell down the stairs a few weeks ago. I was stood right next to him and he was holding onto the bannister at the top of the stairs. I went to grab his hand and he just let go. My friend took us to a&e and my DH told us he was fine and I was wasting their time, etc. Didn’t offer to take us, didn’t ring MIL to see whether she’d stay with eldest (she only lives 5 minutes away).

Was sat in A&E for hours and was told he’d be seen next so I rang my mother because my phone was low on battery and she’d offered to pick us up. When she turned up he still hadn’t been seen but the receptionist said he’d be next. I asked DM to sit with me and wait just 10 minutes and she kicked off and threatened to go home. Meanwhile I had the receptionist hinting it was a safeguarding issue if he wasn’t seen while my mum was kicking off and everyone was staring. Luckily the doctor called us and he’s absolutely fine!

Do you know the worst part? I can drive but have no car and I’m too scared to drive DH’s car due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. We live in a rural area and my kids miss out on so much because I’m too terrified to get behind the wheel again. Even when I need to take my kid to A&E! Feel like a total failure!

My house is a mess. My kids eat air fried, frozen, processed crap.

I love them to bits but I need a break. Just one afternoon a week to clean, meal plan, quiet my thoughts.

I promised my son a birthday party. I was hoping to do the food and preparation today but my husband fucked off out to his man cave. His attitude is that he told me to book a soft play or leisure centre so it’s on me. No practical support whatsoever!

I want to ask SS for respite because I can’t function. I keep forgetting stuff. I keep crying in front of the kids. Will they help me or just penalise me further?

I’ll be embarrassed about this post in the morning. Just need a place to rant and I’m genuinely wanting to call them!

Social services isn’t really there to pick up the slack for a deadbeat dad. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk about responsibilities. It doesn’t sound like your mum is supportive. Is your MIL?

Homestart are a good charity to try....

R u on adhd meds

Maybe increase them and do a routine. That's what I do. I'm on concerta 54mg 72mg I'm better but to focused

ADHD medication changed my life

I see two options here:

1. Husband steps up, contributes more and gives you a break
2. You leave him and he takes on some of the childcare

You’re carrying a deadweight around, no wonder you’re at your wit’s end.

Don't speak to child services. However. Ask around on social media if there are any volunteer services or local churches who could help out. You are obviously depressed and overwhelmed. Speak to your GP about some medication and perhaps some social prescribing. I felt like this 30 years ago. It's best not to get child services involved as you may lose control of your situation. Dh obvisnt helping and has checked out. How was your mental health health prior to having children?

I think it will depend on your area. Here, we are absolutely strapped for available carers so it would be unlikely.

You need to get your DH to help and not just let him go to his man cave

Social Worker here.
You would absolutely reach the threshold for the Early Help Targeted Support threshold in your area.
Self refer and they can potentially offer a District Family Worker to support and signpost.

If you need a break take one - tell your DH you'll be away and go away, even if it's just a Travelodge a bus ride away, they're his kids too.

Then you need to reset domestic responsibilities with your husband again, but don't let it slip this time - something simple like a family calendar could help, so if he's supposed to take the kids swimming every Saturday morning it's written down, and you can keep track if it's actually happening

It sounds like you're a SAHP, so once your youngest starts school you should look at getting a job, gives you some independence and a life ourside your family.

Where I live we have " Home Start" which isn't exactly take but it's designed to provide some practical and emotional support to struggling parents. I don't know who refers, it might be health visitors, have you tried your health visitor?

Your GP may be able to refer you to the early years / home start help, have you spoken to them?
Can you get a regular commitment from your husband instead of the ad hoc help when you’re at break down? For example, 1 morning once a week where he knows he’s in charge for that period, and this becomes the new routine.

OP I’ve no advice (I mean I could but I don’t have your lived ADHD experience so not sure it would be helpful).

just wanted to say as an NT it all sounds very very stressful and overwhelming, don’t be embarrassed use that energy in… starting the process to make things better.

I don’t get this , you say you have no village and no help but you clearly do. A DH a DM , at least one friend and a MIL . If they are not supportive tell them what you need and get your ADhD meds , together I think you’ll feel better .

@Neuroticmillenial I think you have nothing to lose by referring yourself to social work for support but you won’t be likely to get respite. However they could signpost you to appropriate services to help you organise your house better, or attend parenting workshops, or a family support worker.

Also I would be contacting your GP to ask about medication for your ADHD if you are currently in medicated. And ask for psychological or counselling support referral too?

Finally- tell your husband and MIL how you feel and ask for their help in creating some structured plans for the week and some ongoing support as well. Your DH sounds like a twat, but then I don’t know how much he works through the week or how your ADHD etc is affecting him and what his side of the story would be.

But yes you need support and to make some changes… respite isn’t the answer though.

OP
It sounds like you need to put some systems in place. I think sometimes people who have adhd don't like systems but actually do better with schedules and timetables

How are you feeling today op?

It's so hard you're doing incredibly well. I have a useful dh and I still struggle and burn out.

I’m sorry, OP. That all sounds so very hard x

How did you find yourself in this situation and what do you intend to do to get out?

1. Living rurally but not being able to drive.

2. Having two children with a man who doesn’t do his share and sounds awful. You need to tell him he mans up or you leave, and MEAN it.

3. Being reliant to him for money. You need a job, childcare and independence so you can leave if you have to.

I bet that when both you and the kids have more to do the presentation of your ADHD and autism will improve as well, because you’ll have to put mechanisms in place to cope with school / nursery / work, and you’ll all have a more secure idea of your role in the world and a sense of purpose.

This is no way to live.

I’m sorry to say that SS are highly unlikely to be helpful and much more likely would add a new layer of stress to your life. I work professionally with people who are often under SS and unless you are directly a risk to your children, they just don’t have the resources to provide meaningful help.

Some things that would improve your life:
Self refer to home start
move to a town/city
book a weekend away with your least drama/high maintenance friend/family and leave the kids with DH.
If you can afford it, pay for a professional declutterer (ADHD mum here and decluttering helps me no end!)
Improve your self talk
Follow an ADHD mum on social media and cut yourself some slack.

YABU on many levels, OP; though you are clearly stressed beyond belief.

There is no such thing as respite. So forget about it. Work on your anxiety and manage your intrusive thoughts. Start driving your DH's car, even though it scares you. It will get less scary after time. Take some refresher driving lessons, if you think that may help.

Tell your DH how bad things are (partly because of his checked-out attitude) and that he needs to start working as a team with you.

Do not contact social services. You will get zero help but life will be significantly worse with their intrusion.

You wont get respite so you'll need to manage your expectations

What is the support/treatment for your ADHD? Are you engaging with this?

Your husband and you need to come up with routines and structure around the house needs and child needs to manage it together. It needs to be able to be sustained, not just dropped by him after a few weeks.

Do you know what OP? Divorce that useless twat of a DH and you will get your respite - when they are at their dad’s.

Convince your dh to take the kids out for days out more often. I do this when my kids are stressing me out. It is a game changer