To refer myself to social services

[Neuroticmillenial]

I’ve hit ADHD burnout and I can’t fucking do this anymore. I have an autistic son (high functioning but very demanding) and a toddler who’s like the Duracell bunny! I have no village. Half my family are dead or live the other side of the world! I feel completely alone!

My toddler fell down the stairs a few weeks ago. I was stood right next to him and he was holding onto the bannister at the top of the stairs. I went to grab his hand and he just let go. My friend took us to a&e and my DH told us he was fine and I was wasting their time, etc. Didn’t offer to take us, didn’t ring MIL to see whether she’d stay with eldest (she only lives 5 minutes away).

Was sat in A&E for hours and was told he’d be seen next so I rang my mother because my phone was low on battery and she’d offered to pick us up. When she turned up he still hadn’t been seen but the receptionist said he’d be next. I asked DM to sit with me and wait just 10 minutes and she kicked off and threatened to go home. Meanwhile I had the receptionist hinting it was a safeguarding issue if he wasn’t seen while my mum was kicking off and everyone was staring. Luckily the doctor called us and he’s absolutely fine!

Do you know the worst part? I can drive but have no car and I’m too scared to drive DH’s car due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. We live in a rural area and my kids miss out on so much because I’m too terrified to get behind the wheel again. Even when I need to take my kid to A&E! Feel like a total failure!

My house is a mess. My kids eat air fried, frozen, processed crap.

I love them to bits but I need a break. Just one afternoon a week to clean, meal plan, quiet my thoughts.

I promised my son a birthday party. I was hoping to do the food and preparation today but my husband fucked off out to his man cave. His attitude is that he told me to book a soft play or leisure centre so it’s on me. No practical support whatsoever!

I want to ask SS for respite because I can’t function. I keep forgetting stuff. I keep crying in front of the kids. Will they help me or just penalise me further?

I’ll be embarrassed about this post in the morning. Just need a place to rant and I’m genuinely wanting to call them!

@Neuroticmillenial I am sorry I do not have time to read all the replies but have you considered speaking with the mental health team instead of social services? If they feel YOU need social services support they have Meantal Health social workers who can work with you. But I was thinking really an Occupational Therapist in the Mental Health team could really help you, I have severe OCD, tried so much and an Occupational therapist saved me (along with other support), everyone I have met was also genuinely lovely. What any professional will say in your situation is what is your husband doing? He sounds useless, are you happy with him? Without the stress and resentment of him being around and not helping, making you feel worse you may find your life not necessarily magically easier but more peaceful.
Wish you the best of luck

I mentioned Occupational Therapist as you mentioned intrusive thoughts around driving, they could definitely help you with that, they helped me with similar things.

You have a huge DH problem.
You wouldn’t feel this way if he was supportive.

I assume you don’t work which is why he feels like he doesn’t need to be a parent.

Firstly, remember this is only short term.
Once the toddler is in nursery/school things will get way easier.

I would suggest leaving DH but I assume he’s financially supporting you and as you can’t drive right now, it would be harder to leave.

What are your finances like?
Could you put the toddler in nursery, hire a babysitter or cleaner etc?

I would also start putting the kids to bed and taking a cup of tea and sitting in the car for 30mins with an audiobook.
Not only will it give you some time on your own but you need to start associating the car with your calm and happy place.

In a few weeks you could start turning on the engine for a couple of minutes and then eventually driving it forward and reversing it back into the same spot.
When you feel more comfortable then take it down the road and back.
If you go in the evenings with no kids then it will be quiet and less stressful.

My car is my escapism.
Just knowing that you have that bit of freedom does wonders for your anxiety.
You don’t need to rush it though because you have all the stress and anxiety from life too, so for now just use the car as somewhere to sit for peace.

Don’t do too much at once.
Create a timetable of cleaning - eg Mondays clean the kitchen. Tuesdays clean the front room. Wednesdays bedroom etc
Have tasks that you do every day like washing the dishes.
I find having it written down really helps me.

The food is fine for now but if you want to start eating better then one day a week, perhaps Sundays have a roast or something healthier.

Prioritise your sons birthday and sort that out today.
Then tomorrow is a new week sbd a fresh start so write out your weekly timetable and schedule in your 30min evening breaks.

I know you’re struggling but with kindness children’s services role is to safeguard and support the most vulnerable children. It’s not there to offer respite because someone has a partner who won’t parent his own children or support his partner. This is therefore a relationship issue and you’re looking for answers in the wrong place in thinking children’s services can help.

I have a physical disability, no parents, no family nearby, exDH lives 20 minutes by car and no longer drives, ex in-laws aren’t in the same country. DC has asd and ocd. I’ve had contact with both early help and social services, there is very little support out there, if your children are fed, going to school, and your house is reasonable (believe me their threshold for inhabitable is shockingly low), then they don’t offer anything and have no concerns. I’m really sorry though as I know just how mentally exhausting it is, especially with little support from those that should be supporting you and your DC.

Funded Respite would certainly not be on the cards agreed. For high level disabled children it can happen if parents are highly proactive and dependent on area. For all children open to social care disabilities teams in the area I work in (East Anglia) options for respite (funded by the family -idea being using the DLA) can be signposted also.