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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give her this stuff for free

140 replies

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

OP posts:
Hoohaz · 26/04/2025 20:13

nomas · 26/04/2025 20:06

As a single mum with 4 kids, won’t she be receiving enough benefits?

Neither Dh or you are wrong, I can see why he wants some money, it’s a lot of stuff.

😂😂😂

Marmaladelade · 26/04/2025 20:15

Oh my gosh husband have a heart

you will fill amazing tin man

we don’t have to default to capitalism and individualism all the time. We can deviate!

do it

Cuwins · 26/04/2025 20:18

Definitely offer it to her. There is a freebay Facebook page for my town and people give away all sorts of things they don’t need any more. I have picked up kids clothes and toys for free often, never made me feel like a charity case! If you were genuinely going to get rid anyway then tell her that.

Mountainfrog · 26/04/2025 20:19

This is one of those rare opportunities to make a real difference to someone while asking nothing in return - showing true care and grace. Asking for a token amount of money you don’t need doesn’t sound necessary to me, unless she’s insisted on paying you something.

Poppymeldrum · 26/04/2025 20:20

I remember being a single mum and moving into my first house

No money,no support,no csa money and had nothing apart from our clothes and a few bits of food

So many people stepped up and gave me stuff for free

I'm so grateful to them-i had nothing

Fast forward a few years and I found out I was pregnant on the Monday and gave birth on the Saturday

Again,so many people came forward with stuff their babies had grown out of (at one point I had 7 cots,3 car seats,5 prams,18 changing bags,4 buggy boards and a mountain of clothes-thank god the charity shops picked up!)

Again I'm so grateful to every single person-now I'm in a position to help others,I make a point of passing it forward

I wouldn't charge her

Sunshineandoranges · 26/04/2025 20:22

It is very hard to sell furniture etc around here. Play kitchens are constantly offered free on face book and free cycle. So I would definitely give them to her. A nice gesture and makes downsizing easier for you.

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 20:27

I’d give it free of charge. It’s worth it to get rid.

Not impressed with 4 kids under 5. Talk about making one’s own problems in life.

eyeblob · 26/04/2025 20:29

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/04/2025 17:35

That would be a lovely thing to do.

When I moved to Devon I was homeless, due to DV. Stayed in a Travelodge for a month and then was very lucky to get private rented accommodation with help from the council.

The house was completely unfurnished without any white goods.

Someone was offering a free washing machine on fb. I asked and he dad he would deliver.

When he came he saw that I literally had nothing. (Didn't even have more than one change of clothes as exh had destroyed them all after attacking me).

An hour later this lovely man came back with a little 3 pc suite, a fridge, a tv, a kettle, a box of plates, pans, cutlery etc., bedding and towels, a blow up mattress and 4 bags of food from lidl. Just basics like pasta, beans, soups etc.

I was so so grateful as I didn't have a penny and I will never forget that man's kindness. It restored my faith in people, and made the start of my new life in Devon so much less stressful

that is such a lovely story, what a kind man. if you can afford to do it op, give her the things. Im sure she will be delighted

Liz1tummypain · 26/04/2025 20:32

You can offer it for free. If she wanted and was able, she would offer you some cash.

treesandsun · 26/04/2025 21:27

If you don't need the money - it is a lovely thing for you to do. I don't understand why your husband thinks it will lead to her asking for money - I don't see the connection. You're right about what a ball ache it is selling things - and why bother when you know someone you like who would really benefit from it.
You're husband does get to have a say but if he wants money from it - then he needs to be the one who does all the work involved in getting it.

brokenbics · 27/04/2025 18:20

What a lovely thing to do for someone in need.

I'd give it to her and tell her to 'pay it forward' as in to support someone else who is in need one day when she is in a position to do so, as you have done for her.

Flavourful · 27/04/2025 18:20

End of day she might want to offer you something so that’s the time to say I don’t expect it but if it would make you feel better then that would be up to you.
if you’re not doing anything else with it, isn’t it nice to know it’s gone to someone who needs it rather than someone buying it to sell on?

StarkleLittleTwink · 27/04/2025 18:25

Some years ago I was in a similar situation with a couple of small kids. I would have been SO thrilled if someone had offered me furniture like that. It would be a lovely thing for you to do - a random act of kindness and all round nice gesture.

Julimia · 27/04/2025 18:41

If you can do that and are happy to do so then I would say go ahead. Your personal values, morals and training are all at play here. Just go with your gut feeling.

user1471538283 · 27/04/2025 18:46

I give stuff away for free. I'm just happy they get some use.

I was given some furniture years ago and it really helped. So now I try to.

You will make such a difference to her life. If she offers you money you could say that she can pay it forward once she's in a position to do so.

Like others have said your DH has no idea what a hassle it is selling anything.

Khayker · 27/04/2025 18:57

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

That's a nice thing to do. I always give stuff to people who really need it. Makes me feel good knowing that I can help people. I remember giving a play set to a relative. Didn't say it was a loan or anything, didn't even think about it. Turns out she sold it on without mentioning it fairly quickly for a £100. They keep the money and only had the item a few months before it was sold. That annoyed me as I felt I had been played and other people or charities could have benefited more (They have a pretty good lifestyle, so have money). Now I only give to people I know need it and will use it.

MeganM3 · 27/04/2025 19:02

Very difficult to sell furniture. You probably wouldn’t get much for it anyway, I think your DH is being unrealistic with the £200.
Really nice of you to offer her the furniture and you can feel good for doing a lovely thing.

MissHollysDolly · 27/04/2025 19:02

It’ll cost her to get the van. What a kind thing to do. X

JT12 · 27/04/2025 19:03

no - I think it is the right thing to do of you can afford it. Plus it's much easier than advertising, having people round to look at your things, potentially be stuck with items no-one wants and having days waiting in for people who dont turn up. Unless it was a really expensive item I would always give things away for free. I do it all the time and feel good about it. I truly believe you get what you give in life and just knowing that you are helping someone start over will give you more than a small sum of cash you dont need. Give it to her and enjoy her pleasure in receiving and feeling cared for,. possibly for the first time in a long time

Horses7 · 27/04/2025 19:16

You hardly get anything for second hand furniture - I’d gift it to her.

JMSA · 27/04/2025 19:20

You’re lovely. Giving it to her for free is the right thing to do if you don’t need the money.
Your husband could learn a thing or two from you!

mumhas1syllable · 27/04/2025 19:21

You are one of earths angels!!!
I was once in your position and donated more or less all of my furniture to a single mum when I was relocating. She was leaving temporary accommodation without anything, no relatives and no help.
a few years later I found myself in the same position as that poor woman and people did the same for me. Furnished my home almost entirely with nothing in return and just love and kindness in their intention. It has completely overwhelmed me and made me believe in the kindness of humans once again. Also - being kind is never wasted and you never know how it will be repaid back to you but I now know, karma is a queen and your kind heart is what we need more of in this world.

croydon15 · 27/04/2025 19:21

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/04/2025 17:35

That would be a lovely thing to do.

When I moved to Devon I was homeless, due to DV. Stayed in a Travelodge for a month and then was very lucky to get private rented accommodation with help from the council.

The house was completely unfurnished without any white goods.

Someone was offering a free washing machine on fb. I asked and he dad he would deliver.

When he came he saw that I literally had nothing. (Didn't even have more than one change of clothes as exh had destroyed them all after attacking me).

An hour later this lovely man came back with a little 3 pc suite, a fridge, a tv, a kettle, a box of plates, pans, cutlery etc., bedding and towels, a blow up mattress and 4 bags of food from lidl. Just basics like pasta, beans, soups etc.

I was so so grateful as I didn't have a penny and I will never forget that man's kindness. It restored my faith in people, and made the start of my new life in Devon so much less stressful

What a lovely story. OP if you can afford it give her the goods, l am sure that she will be extremely grateful, perhaps she can pay for transport now or later.

SussexLass87 · 27/04/2025 19:23

It sounds like such a wonderful gesture - good for you OP!

Bourbonbonbon · 27/04/2025 19:23

I'd do it and I wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't.