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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give her this stuff for free

140 replies

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

OP posts:
WhenICalledYouLastNightFromTesco · 26/04/2025 17:52

I think you sound like an absolutely kind and generous person, and I'm with you on this. I don't think there could be a better feeling than seeing the joy on someone's face who is in need.

bingobanjo · 26/04/2025 17:54

Sounds really lovely OP, we’d be happy to do the same. It will save you so much hassle (and potentially cost!) of getting rid of it bit by bit, either she’s doing you a favour or take a token gesture amount if she’d prefer.

LardoBurrows · 26/04/2025 17:56

If you don't need the money from selling it, I think it would be a lovely thing to offer the furniture to someone you know who really needs it. It could make a huge difference to that Mum and her four children having some beds to sleep in and a table and chairs to eat at.

Blueblell · 26/04/2025 17:56

I would give it if you don’t need the money. Getting a van will be costly enough.

Your Dh will change his tune if you really need to get rid of these things and can’t sell them/people don’t collect them. Better to give them to someone who will really appreciate them.

CopperWhite · 26/04/2025 17:57

Do you really need strangers to validate your choice to do a good thing?

People give furniture away for free all the time, usually because like you, they no longer need it. I’m just thankful I have a convenient, environmentally friendly way to get rid of stuff.

Sundappledlawn · 26/04/2025 17:58

I’d give it to her for free.

LizzoBennett · 26/04/2025 17:59

I would give it away for free in your situation.

kkloo · 26/04/2025 17:59

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

People give furniture away for free all the time, I always do, I've never been asked for money ever, occasionally someone in dire need might say that if you're giving anything else away to let them know but that's it.

RipleyJones · 26/04/2025 18:00

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

Wonderful thing to do. You could offer it to her for eg £25 so she doesn’t feel like a charity case, if you see what I mean.

CurlewKate · 26/04/2025 18:00

Is he a Mumsnetter, by any chance? 🤣

Yes of course offer it to her for free!

BundleBoogie · 26/04/2025 18:01

It sounds like a perfect setup - win/win. I think dh is worrying unnecessarily

LePetitMaman · 26/04/2025 18:01

Hi @Capnbagn

I run a charity who helps support vulnerable people and families.

My two penneth is that you absolutely give her the stuff. However. We find that when we attach a nominal charge or value to something, it is accepted far more easily and reduces embarrassment of feeling a "charity case."

I would certainly phrase it that you need the space and she's doing you a favour by taking it off your hands. But is there something you could take from her in exchange, doesn't have to be money, so she feels she's repaying you. Got a dog she can walk for the week you're on holiday? Need a couple of mornings help with weeding?

Anything, even if you don't need the help, just so she feels she's given something in return.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/04/2025 18:01

You sound amazing OP. This is such a lovely idea.

BlondeMummyto1 · 26/04/2025 18:02

Even people buying wouldn’t pay £100s. You have to practically give away near brand new furniture for £10-£20 and even then people often won’t pay it so you may aswell give it away

I have just had a nightmare trying to get some off my hands.

OriginalSkang · 26/04/2025 18:02

I would give it to her for free and not think twice about it

In the nicest possible way, I don't think you can expect anywhere near that much money for second hand ikea anyway

TunipTheVegimal24 · 26/04/2025 18:06

FWIW too, I have a friend who is currently clearing out their parents house. Lots of nice stuff. Even giving it away has proven difficult, with people wanting them to also deliver for free... measure things up... People who don't turn up, or turn up late. Or just things where no-one is interested. I think your husband would be surprised with how little you'd make and what a lot of effort it would be.

I don't think you can sell to the woman, because you can't offer someone you know, to pay you for random stuff you want to get rid of - if she has money, she can chose what she wants, that's to her taste etc, from charity shops for example. The delivery would likely be easier then too for her.

If your husband insists on trying to get money for it, I'd make him put it all up on marketplace and deal with all the enquiries himself. He can also be the one to arrange to take it to the skip, once it's become clear he can't shift it.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 26/04/2025 18:06

A widowed mum of 4 under 5 and your DH doesn’t want to help her out by giving her stuff you no longer need? What’s wrong with him?

Of course YANBU OP. He is.

Eldermillennialmum · 26/04/2025 18:06

I don't think there's a right and wrong just do what works for you both. If it was all bought with joint money then it's fair to make the decision together but then again if you didn't give it to her what would you do?

My DH has sometimes said similar about things I've given away but I'd bought them with my own money so it was my decision. I was also aware of the time it would incur to put these things up for sale and factor that which I know my DH wouldn't do.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/04/2025 18:08

I think that would be a lovely thing to do , and your DH may not be aware of this but you'd be unlikely to get a couple of hundred quid for the furniture second-hand, anyway. Second hand furniture goes for nothing, because most of it is only designed to last 10 or 20 years.

Goinggold · 26/04/2025 18:08

On my local pages people rally to help people like this. Either offer or don't, whatever suits you best. There's not really anything to debate, is there?

howsthehair · 26/04/2025 18:08

I think it’s kind too but also the alternative is that you have to get rid of it all yourself and that will either take hours of time or cash to pay someone to remove it

Ilovelurchers · 26/04/2025 18:10

Most of my furniture is free or really cheap off Facebook Marketplace or gifted from family or friends who didn't need it any more, so it's not that unusual for people to give things like this away. But still a lovely thing to do, and I am sure she will really appreciate it.

I wouldn't worry about the "charity" thing, but if she wants to buy you a gift, or take you for lunch or something to say thank you, accept it graciously (I am sure you would, you sound like a lovely person). If she insists on wanting to pay and you really don't want the money, ask her to make a small donation to the church playgroup?

My current partner would be the same as your husband - so would my ex-husband. Some people just don't like giving things away for free. But unless he paid for the stuff from his own personal account, just tell him this is important to you and hopefully he will understand/accept it.

BatchCookBabe · 26/04/2025 18:11

Sure why not. Offer it to her. Worst thing that can happen is she will say no.

springruns · 26/04/2025 18:13

I’d give her it, what a lovely thing to do. Perhaps you can say pass it forward when you’re in a better position x

GreatTheCat · 26/04/2025 18:13

You will get next to nothing on FB market place. Be kind and give her the stuff.

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