Blended families - not all they are made out to be?

[InNeedOfSleep10]

Inspired by scrolling one too many ‘perfect blended family’ posts on social media, am I being unfair to suggest that the reality of blended families must be a lot different to what people suggest? Surely it’s hard work and not the dream set up many make it out to be…

I tried being part of a blended family once and I hugely regretted it, it also put me off wanting to be a step-mum again.
I found the complexities of trying to make everything fair such hardwork, being a single parent is infinitely easier than being part of a blended family.
Never again unless they were grown up children with there own lives.

I just want to live in peace in my house with my kids and not have to pay for anyone else's children - and no that's not selfish, that's a choice.

My second DH didn't have any kids of his own, maybe that makes a difference..my kids adore him,2 say that they love him..we spoke to my other 3 at every stage, told them we were hoping to have a baby. My oldest grandson was born the following year, they grew up together like siblings. There's a 21 year age gap between the oldest and youngest DD, she helped them move house last month. Youngest DD takes her half brother to hospital appointments. They all borrow each others cars..they get on better than a lot of families and siblings I know.

There's so many different factors if they work or don't.

The reason that poster called them “mangled” is because that poster must be very unpleasant.

It’s a really cruel thing to say about people who are usually in that situation in the first place due to difficult circumstances in their life. I’m sure everyone would have preferred their nuclear family to work out.

and I’ve stayed single since my divorce so I’m not trying to justify anything to myself. I just cannot believe how horrible some of the comments on this thread are.

It isn't fair to say they never work, they can and do work, as long as the parents involved are mature.
Granted more times than not it is difficult, usually works easier if new partner has no young children.
There are some that work.

...for you.

And for my children who have asked him to adopt him.

Is there biological father not in their lives, obviously it is easier if children aren't being split between two homes and don't have 2 families.

Their dad is in and out of their life when he chooses. They love having a stable male figure in their life who steps up when their dad doesnt, and they adore their older stepbrother.

You're being unreasonable in saying that everyone makes out all blended families are perfect.

just have a 2 minute browse of the step parent board on here.

I was part of a blended family growing up and it was horrendous. I hated my step sibling, he hated me, toxic environment galore and my step mother was horrendous. We were forced together as a family and it was a nightmare.

However I clearly learnt lessons as when I was in the position as an adult, I respected timings and feelings, and ultimately it has been extremely successful. The kids make social arrangements between themselves ( so through choice rather than obligation), we as parents stay aligned for the most part, on parenting and i live and care for my step children greatly, and think they feel the same.
Definitely no 'mangled families' but it takes work and patience more than anything and doesn't happen overnight. The entire process for us was over years rather than months but definitely worth it

I think in many cases it works out fine for the parents who want a partner to slot in where the ex left off but not so well for the children involved.

I didn't live or stay over at my step family's and they were still awful. My brother's experience was the same but at least he didn't to get assaulted or peeped at in the bathroom.

I never saw a family where it really worked out well, usually the kids ended up moving out really early.

I think of them as mangled families, not blended. I'm sure there's some where it works out great but I don't think that's the norm.

This thread is just nasty and I say this having grown up in a nuclear family and part of one now.

Sounds like a massive cope fest with many posters trying to make themselves feel better about their own lives. For example maybe they’re too scared to leave their unhappy nuclear set- up or are single and bitter about it. If the kids aren’t being abused, why are you so concerned? Weird.

It's horrible.

'Putting dick before kids'...what the hell is wrong with people?

I once married a man with kids..I guess it’s ok for men but not women

Hi just left my partner of 5 years, we were a blended family of sorts.
First few years were ok then he became very fed up of my kids and was starting to be pretty awful to them (why I left home) however he would have his kids every other weekend at our house and his children were awful to mine when they came to ours. Really judgemental and would have no regard for my kids rooms or space. He never actually parented them at all and I always cooked and looked after all the kids on those days.
His mum also disliked my children and would be nice to my face but then my partner would tell me that she called my kids feral and that she didn't know how he put up with us etc.
She would come to stay and lavish her 'boys with money and gifts, all Infront of my children even when I asked them if that could be done in private.
I found being a blended family the most stressful thing ever and now won't ever live with a partner again until my kids are all grown up.

Glad you have moved him put to protect your own DCs @MaybelleS

I was struck by a PP's comment:

"I am not going to take in a man that another woman has put out"

I’m in a happy nuclear family.

But I was bought up in a blended family and have read shocking threads on here (both SM Labour and resources being abused and/or children being horrifically treated by parents and/or SP).

overall I think we should aim much much higher than ‘if the kids aren’t being abused’.

My DC have a step mum who they love and who enriches their lives. I wouldn’t say it’s been plain sailing at all for her but she’s been great and we all get on really well which helps. I think it helps that my DC were small when we got divorced and don’t remember their dad and I living together. Plus there were very slow introductions to their step mum who took things at their pace.

Hats off to all the step mums out there trying to make it work - you’re a lot braver than me!

@KurtCobainLover this is lovely, I really hope you have told her this (I’m sure you have!)

My step children’s mum has never been anything but perfectly kind to me, she even sent us a card when we moved in together. It makes life so much easier when the adults just get along. My DC’s step mum is also lovely and I am glad she is there.

We are a blended family and all the DC also have step siblings/step parents in their other families too. There is no drama, all the kids are happy and well balanced, all the adults communicate well about lifts, contact time etc. It is just normal family life.

This is is too.

My kids dad lives a long way so doesn't see the kids but he and my new partner have an amicable relationship- not best mates, but at parties and things have stood and had a beer together. I don't have much to do with my stepsons mum because he's almost 18 so don't need to, but I've met her a few times and we have got really well, to the point we'd probably be friends if we lived closer. If my ex ever meets someone new, I'd like to think we would be amicable and remember the kids are at the centre of ut all - we are the adults.

All the grandparents treat their step grandkids fairly and like they're bio family, as do aunts and uncles. No one has ever been pushed out, forgotten about, treated as second best. No arguments over custody or seeing thr kids. Just four adults who are mature enough to deal wirh any issues that may arise.

Of course society overall should aim higher than kids being abused, however, truthfully most of us don’t have the capacity to be worried about non-serious things happening to kids we don’t know.

Therefore, I side-eye the motivation of much of the rhetoric on here which has been disgusting. Its disingenuous to claim it’s all coming from a place of genuine concern for kids of strangers as opposed to putting the boot in to their parents.

I definitely think it works better for the kids of a divorce if their parents marry someone without their own children. Much easier to get to know a step parent if their focus can be on you for a few years and not their own children.

I have two older half siblings who had a few years to get to know my mum before I came along and we’ve always all got on really well. I know my mum worked really hard to keep their relationship with their dad going by buying their birthday presents, getting him to write their cards, being willing to look after them if he was at work and they were over, and later by totally accepting their children as her grandchildren. Consequently, even though our dad has been dead now for almost twenty years, my mum’s stepchildren and step grandchildren still see her regularly and we are all very much one family.

I have quite a lot of personal and professional experience with blended families. The ones were I have seen it work well are the Jeremy Kyle style families, where the children have been used to their parents having multiple partners from an early age. These kids have no problem telling their 'step parents' (who might have moved in within a week of meeting them) to eff off, having a punch up then being back to being friends again. Children who have had a more traditional nuclear family find it much harder, even though they might try really hard to mask it for the sake of their parent's happiness. And the adults always have a very different outlook on how successful the blending has been.