Blended families - not all they are made out to be?

[InNeedOfSleep10]

Inspired by scrolling one too many ‘perfect blended family’ posts on social media, am I being unfair to suggest that the reality of blended families must be a lot different to what people suggest? Surely it’s hard work and not the dream set up many make it out to be…

I can’t imagine there are any children that would prefer a blended family with (essentially) strangers versus a nuclear family even if it is with only one of their parents.

No, @ToomanysquishmallowsA blended family is not a step-parent. It is when both adults have children and they all try to live together. It’s not a new partner who doesn’t have any children moving in.

I don’t mean just here on MN. I mean it’s not even something you read positively about in puff pieces in the Sunday paper.

My children are happy. I live with them, I speak with them. They want their stepdad to adopt them eventually, so I'm pretty sure they're fine with it.

Yeah it's really easy to say you'd be happy for your parents when it didn't happen and you have no experience of it, and children after divorce almost tell their parents they're happy for them because they know that's what you want to hear.

I don't know anyone who's blended family is a dream set up. I don't know any perfect nuclear families either. All families have their crap to deal with. Nobody's life is without challenges.

I am sure like any family there are hardships and amazing times. I think Kate Ferdinand has been very honest in her podcast tv shows ect about how hard she found becoming a step mother but also how fulfilling she has also found it. The fact is she has said how desperately hard it is despite having the money to smooth over a lot of issues - eg when she didn’t want her husbands wedding photos to his first wife all over the house so they created a room with all the photos to honour her. Not everyone has the space to do that!

My 15yo DD said the other day that she thinks the only marriages that work are second marriages- she said all her friends’ parents who are still together just argue and the only parents who are happy are the ones who got remarried!

For reference, we are a blended family, and we are all very happy. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

I always feel extremely sorry for kids in blended families. I don’t know any children who want to live with a non related adult. Friends of mine boast about how well they’ve planned their blended family because they have all their kids for one week (5 altogether) and then a week off to themselves. Poor kids crammed in together and no quality time with their parent.

Don't think I've heard aBOT this apparently common theme on social media posts 🤔

Did you just compare stepmothers hating their actual step kids to step mothers getting hatred on SM and opinions that parents shouldn’t remarry?

Do you not see how your point is problematic

Is this another one of those threads that sound like some kind of homework questions where the OP never returns?

Yes I did choose to start a new relationship.

i didn't actually chose to split up with my child's father actually... so maybe you need to be less judgemental .

if people wish to live like a nun / not have any boyfriends until there kids are 16, well done they can have a gold star for being perfect parents 🙄

do you actually have any experience of being in a blended family or just here to slate those who are ?

I do have a relative where it did seem to work.
ie siblings, half sibling and step sibling, all in the same family, and who grew up together.
If anything there was an imbalance between the two full siblings, being treated unequally, but nothing major or rather nothing that as adults, they came to terms with many years ago.
It is not my immediate family though, so there may have been more going on that I know!

Will be interesting to see if they say the same when they’re adults.

Generally speaking; the parents in these situations have to tell themselves it’s all fine because otherwise the guilt would destroy them. Social media isn’t real - it’s for people who desperately need to justify themselves and their choices to the world in order to make themselves be at peace with it / “prove” to their doubters that they’ve done the right thing.

My ex best friend is a classic example. Broke up a decent marriage for a work fling. She was unhappy with aspects of her life unrelated to marriage but instead of tackling those she blew up many people’s lives. Her children have moved house several times in 5 yrs and are now living in a “separated but apart” situation with her latest ex. Those kids have gone from being balanced and happy pre-teens into damaged teens, failing school and needing therapy. She would tell you it was “all for the best” and she deserved to be happy, and their dad wasn’t good enough. But the reality is she has destroyed their teenage years, not him. But if you were to look at social media they have a lovely blended family.

The three older ones are teenagers. They aren't shy in letting their feelings known. He's been in their lives for a long time.

I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have asked my husband to adopt them if they weren't happy.

My one son is currently away for the weekend with him. He's stepped up when their dad couldn't, treated him like he's own while respecting the fact he's not their dad. Step grandparents have welcomed us in to their family and treat my kids the same as bio grandkids - my daughter literally begs to go over to Narnas - her name for my husbands mum.

Vice versa wirh my husbands son and my family - he sees my parents more often than me because he lives in the same town. Goes to the pub with my dad.

I would rather be single until my dying day than subject my children to a “blended family”.

I didn't say you chose to split up. I am sorry that you had a traumatic end to the relationship with the father of your child and that the end of it wasn't of your choosing. That's a shitty thing that happened to you.

I said, given that this sad thing HAD ALREADY HAPPENED, you had a choice about what to do next.

You said you started a new relationship- I have absolutely no problem with that, and I didn't say I did. In fact I wrote that you could have chosen to have relationships, or not, it is completely up to you. No need to "live like a nun".

But you did choose to make your child actually live with a man and another child to whom they are not related. You're right I haven't been in that situation and I'm sure it felt different to you, because you were full of limerance for new man. But I don't think it's the right thing to do for children.

I wouldn't do it for mine. I don't think that's a gold star smug thing - I think it's about choosing to accept something crap happening to you, and with sadness, choosing to rise to the occasion and accept you don't get the life you might have wanted because you compromise for your child.

There’s happy blended families and unhappy ones just like all families.

the ones I know that work have ex’s that communicate well, aren’t jealous of the time kids spend with other parent, money isn’t a factor (both earning well and no maintenance issues) and live fairly local.

purplecharyn same here. I cannot imagine ever meeting a man that I would put ahead of my child.

My parents did each meet people who they were with for several years and I have lots of great memories of times we had together and with their children. What I mean is that I wish they had both permanently found someone they were now with in old age. It has been a very positive thing for the whole family in most of the cases I’ve seen when that has happened. I know of a couple of cases where parents have got together with a new partner and virtually or emotionally abandoned their existing children now they have someone else to fulfill their emotional needs and that has been very sad. I was very fortunate my parents never made us feel like that and the partners they had made an effort to positively engage us

No.

Research also shows across the board, that aswell as the above, childhood accidents and injury by virtue of less invested non biological adult supervision is higher also.

There’s so many outside influences to being a blended family’s.
The exes, the extended family and friends. Everyone has an opinion and a view and subtly or not this is passed onto the family.
Mine didn’t work out. I have a great marriage and two fabulous adult children. But I also have a sd who hasn’t spoken to me in maybe 7/8 years properly and hasn’t spoken to her dad in 2. Many many other factors involved but she will 100% blame on it all on the blended family situation.
sad for everyone

There's a blended family living next door. The woman has three children to a previous partner (they must have been 8, 6 and 4yo when she met her current partner). So she has a fourth child with her current partner who lives in the property too. The child is 3yo, older ones are 7, 9 and 11 now.

The older three seem to stay at the property one night, then stay with their Dad the next night, then back again at Mum's... They must be dizzy wondering what bed they'll wake up in! I think it must really affect their sense of belonging. Feeling displaced. They lack any kind of routine and the youngest stays up late into the night. Sleeps in til 9.30am weekdays.

They often get sent to their Dad's late at night, driving away in the dark instead of being cosy in beds like the average family. I feel sorry for all the children tbh. Especially the older three.

I have a suspicion she had an affair, as when she moved 4 years ago into the property she said the youngest was an accident 😬

Should anything happen to DH I have no interest in chasing a relationship and blending families. It looks utterly shit for the children.