Blended families - not all they are made out to be?

[InNeedOfSleep10]

Inspired by scrolling one too many ‘perfect blended family’ posts on social media, am I being unfair to suggest that the reality of blended families must be a lot different to what people suggest? Surely it’s hard work and not the dream set up many make it out to be…

Oh yes this seems to be common with my neighbours also. There will be days when it's just the youngest child there herself and her half siblings are away staying with their Dad for two or three nights, it varies constantly. So then they turn night into day with no school runs to do....three year old kept up late so they can lie in on weekdays etc. Weird set up. The woman doesn't like getting on with stuff early, rarely leaves the house before 9am. Only her partner seems to work Monday to Friday.

Same.

Blimey, judgemental much?! 🤨

There is so much hatred towards blended families on MN… in real life I know so many that work really well, including mine. Our kids are balanced, happy and surrounded by people who care about them.

On the other hand I have several good friends in really shitty marriages but putting up with it “for the sake of the children”.

Having had to participate in 3 growing up, I think they're bullshit and the majority of parents who form them are selfish.

So what? They’re adults. A child has no way to choose what happens to them. Far too many people expect to marry someone who already has children and for those children to move over and play second fiddle to the new wife and her new children. They are disgusting.

"On the other hand I have several good friends in really shitty marriages but putting up with it “for the sake of the children”."

As a child I was happy my parents stayed together, but looking back, even having new step-parents introduced into the family would have been better if each parent had found someone who suited them.
My brother was talking about his dp's complicated family and said something like 'not everybody can be lucky like us'. I asked him if he remembered what went on and he had to admit it wasn't quite so clear.

Exactly. Children aren't resilient. If they were then therapists' offices wouldn't be full of people talking about their childhoods.

And this is why ppl get frustrated with stepmums.

Comparing hating a child that you have chosen to share space with, have influence and power over against strangers online criticising what you’ve said/done says a lot about you, none of which is good.

I can imagine being a SM is frustrating, irritating etc, quite frankly it would have ruined my life.

BUT

The children have no agency/say. They only have the choices given to them, not those they want.
And these aren’t ’someone Elses’s childre’ - they are the children of the person you’ve chosen to be with.

It’s not an either/or, staying in a bad marriage/atmosphere is probably often just as bad for the DC as being in a poor blended situation and vice versa.

They are the only 2 choices to bring up happy well rounded children.

Every person I know who were in a blended family hated it!

I’ve never heard anyone speak remotely positively about having a blended family. Neither on this website or in real life. It’s something I would never want nor wish upon my children.

They rarely work because the adults are motivated to start them for their own personal reasons (money, childcare, sex, companionship) rather than what’s best for everyone. Even in the ones where the adults are happy, one of some of the kids won’t be but pretend they are because they don’t want to be blamed for their parent being single and unhappy. Too many believe the mantra of “I deserve happiness” without really looking at how the new partner fits in with you and your child.
I’ve seen too many stories here where a man or woman has remarried despite the new spouse never getting along with their child. If that’s not a red flag then what is ?

I’m not saying that being unhappily married is the answer either. That causes damage to the children in a different way and probably affects their future relationships too.

From what I see through friends who are in second relationships/blended families, being the woman in relationship, the men seem to often lose interest in their first set of children, when they have another baby,
The weekend visits lesson as the children get older until they're strangers.

I’ve just counted at least 8 people on this thread ( I lost count after that!) speaking positively about blended families.

We are a very happy blended family. I always post on these threads to say this in the hope that it might be helpful to someone out there.

I can never win as someone will always say “ahh the adults always say that, your children are secretly scarred for life”, but I can only say what I believe to be true. It works for us 🤷🏻‍♀️

I realised a few years ago that men don't live with their children. They live with their wives' children, whether those are their children or not. Taking that into account and considering 50-50 arrangements are pretty recent, men may have evolved to bond with their wife's children more than just their children because they can easily be taken away from their own children and be required to bring up someone else's.

"Comparing hating a child that you have chosen to share space with, have influence and power over against strangers online criticising what you’ve said/done says a lot about you, none of which is good."

I'm not a stepmother, but as a single woman over 35 I can understand that if you want a partner, he's likely to come with children. It's not really a choice.

It's also not necessarily true that step-parents have any power. It seems to me that they often have the opposite. They have no authority over the children living in their home, can't discipline them, but are expected to cook and clean for them with no thanks.

"I’ve never heard anyone speak remotely positively about having a blended family."

I know plenty of people who love their step-parents...

So you think comparing hatred of a child within your environment is the same as a stranger in SM criticising you?

Really?

And no, the DC don’t have power and autonomy bar what they are given. They generally have no say in their parents partner where as the partner can opt to leave or not get into the relationship at any time.

I dated a few men with DC (I never met them) and realised early on that I was too selfish to deal with the bullshit of step parenting but also couldn’t respect a man who didn’t put his children front and centre above me.

Do their step parents love them?

I imagine many SP do love their SK actually, but going by the SP threads, whenever it comes up ppl seem to gleefully point out that they don’t love them.

For the record, I often feel sorry for SMs as well as the DC, the families often sound like war zones, everyone carefully checking what resources the DC get, avoiding the house at certain times, living a half life until they are gone and most importantly being treated as a dogs body by a useless father while getting into battles with the ex.

I think blended families are inherently selfish and parents should put their kids above their love life.

I grew up in the perfect example of a failed blended family. Everyone just seemed to resent each other. My stepfather despised me and my sibling because he despised our bio father. He took out his resentment on us and our DM for over 10 years before I escaped aged 17.

I felt at best unsettled and at worst scared when he was around. He was a violent drunk that tried and failed to grope me because of my DMs defence of me. She paid the price for getting in the way.

Other than some blind drunk sordid comments, he never uttered a spoken word to me beyond the occasional slur in 10 years.

The one child my DM and stepfather had together was obviously favoured by him over us and this year was demonstrated in various ways. It was always very clear to us we were no more than parasites to him.

Me and my full sibling never got respite by visiting our other parent either as he went totally AWOL after splitting with my DM

It was an horrific time and it has left life long emotional scars. Abandonment by one parent and being utterly ignored and emotionally abused by a stepparent. Can't believe how some adults can treat children 🥺

Well then, they should, you know - not have a relationship with a man who already has children. Being in a relationship is not an entitlement or a necessity.

I have never seen a blended family work. Ever. They result in a lifetime of hurts and complications, right up to and after the death of the parents/step-parents.

I have seen one step family work- widowed mother of 3 married childless man and went on to have a joint child. All children under the one roof in a nuclear family and no step siblings, exes, visitations etc. So not a blended family.

There’s a reason why a poster on here once called them ‘mangled families’

Pretty much sums it up. It never fails to amaze me the number of women on here who prioritise their need for dick over the welfare of their children.

And certainly step mothers themselves are hated ( by everyone )