Blended families - not all they are made out to be?

[InNeedOfSleep10]

Inspired by scrolling one too many ‘perfect blended family’ posts on social media, am I being unfair to suggest that the reality of blended families must be a lot different to what people suggest? Surely it’s hard work and not the dream set up many make it out to be…

There’s far more open hate towards stepmothers.

She is (or I suppose was, she’s in her 20’s now!) the child in her blended family, she has always acknowledged that it wasn’t always totally smooth and especially initially there were teething problems but they are all happy and wouldn’t have it any other way.

But that’s not always the case. My husband has a friend who was part of a blended family growing up & holds a lot of resentment over that now.

It’s all too subjective to say either way, it depends on the parents, the dynamics and the children involved. Sometimes parents rush because they want their relationship and expect kids to just follow and settle in, that doesn’t really work. Sometimes parents prioritise the kids but kids are human and not EVERY human likes every other human, sometimes you just don’t get along with someone and that’s okay. And sometimes the parents make the effort to prioritise the kids, and the kids happen to really like each other and bond themselves both to each other and to the other parent, and in those instances it is a lovely set up.

I think I’d have to love someone very very very much to bring them into my DC’s life, and especially to move them in. Most people in blended families don’t seem all that bothered about each other. I reckon some people are just shit at being lonely

Not always, no. Me and DW have a child each and one together, but all the children are treated equally.
We're massively lucky that the kids all get along really well.
We ourselves both came from broken families, step parents etc who weren't the best and we didn't have good childhoods, so that honestly helps us to be the best parents we can be to all three of them.

I also know someone who regularly posts "happy blended family" posts every other day but then messages me to complain about her SC and how awful she thinks they are and can't wait for them to go back to their Mum's.

That's what the parents always say ...

They are a nightmare tbh, not because of the children. But the adults.

Both birth and step parents can be equally thoughtless.

I didnt even have a bed in one parent’s house from the age of 9. Makes me laugh when sharing a room is considered child abuse on here.

I suppose I am in a blended family . I had dd1 and dp had no children when we got together. We have had two more . It generally works well , my ex hasn’t seen dd1 for 21 years, so there isn’t another family involved . But I think we have been very lucky .

My kids genuinely love their stepdad, they get on well with their stepbrother. I get on with my stepson. Stepson comes to stay every six weeks or so (he's almost an adult so has his own life and lives 150 miles away) and my children get so excited when he comes.

It can, and does work.

It’s BS, they are a nightmare, no enjoyment can be gained from having SC, life is inherently worse with them. I’d rather be alone forever than entertain that hell again

Who says 'blended families' are perfect? I don't think I have ever seen anyone say that. And they're definitely not! Indeed no family is!

I remember Andrea McLean saying on Loose Women once that she hates the term 'blended families' and she says she calls her 'blended family' a 'unique family.' LOL, hardly unique Andrea. A family with children with different fathers/stepsisters and brothers etc, is not 'unique!' A family with a couple who are married, were married when they had their children, and whose children all have the same father, (who is still married to their mother,) now THAT is 'unique!'

They are usually a shit show and I think people should think carefully before creating them or expecting their child to live in one.

YANBU, I read the threads on here about blended families and think, "Why the hell does anyone choose this?"

I feel so sad for all the kids whose lives are changed for the worst because their parents can't bear to be to single.

I wonder if children were given the choice would they choose to be with their parent and siblings or parent, step parent, siblings and step siblings?

I dont know why there is a need for everyone to be under the same roof - apart from money? Whats wrong with having a live out GF/BF and seeing them when DCs are with other parent.

DC who's original family has broken down will have endurd emotional compromises - IMHO they need extra focus from their parents to rebuild their sense of security, self, connection, emotional safety and stability etc - so this should not be diluted and dissipated by the focus of their parent being on other children.

I work with teenagers and (anecdotally) the saddest are the ones in blended families. Many confess they hate having to travel between parents houses.

I had a conversation with DH the other week about how if we were to split up, I would want us to buy/rent a small two bed house using family money. The children then stay in the current house and as parents we would move out every other week to give the children stability of at least only one home.

His reply was (imo) typically male asking "but how would we move on with life?" But, whilst it might sound a bit wanky, I truly believe in situations like this, it's a bit selfish to put your own love life ahead of your children's need for stability.

However I do appreciate we are not planning on splitting and not all families could manage this if communication broke down beyond repair. But it does surprise me that so few think of it especially in amicable splits.

I have a step-nephew who is loved and accepted as much as he possibly could be. The only issue for him is that his biological dad is rubbish, which might still hurt him even if another man and his family has stepped in.

I don't know what people are posting on social media, but I think most people know that blended families aren't always happy. Traditional families aren't, either, but I think they typically have a better chance of being happy.

It comes down to the people involved. Some will always make the most of their circumstances, while others seem doomed to trouble (often of their own creation), whether they're blending families or not.

Just take a look on threads on here and on r/stepparents . It’s not a life i would ever choose - although if you’re the child, there is usually no choice.

This is Social media.. you've just commented on.🤦‍♀️

I have a blended family and no I wouldn't of chosen this , it's what I have and I make the best of it .

my husband and I have a previous child each and one together.

I grew up in a conventional family and still had a crap childhood . 3 full siblings , two of of which I have no contact with

Yes… ‘children are resilient’ repeat after me

One person putting a positive gloss on their family life on Insta doesn't mean that the world at large is a fan of blended families. In my experience far more people knock them than praise them. And not without justification: blended families are undoubtedly hard.

People will always spin their lives positively on social media. I'm not sure why this is still a surprise to people: there are posts here multiple times a day saying "I know her husband is cheating so why does she say how much she loves him?" Well of course. No one with any self-respect would post #he'scheatingon me #soblessed #making memories.

Most of what I see online about blended families is highly negative so I'm not sure what you think they are being "made out to be".

Exactly this, I’m sure no one had this in their life plan, just people trying to make the best of things. Yes given experience I think the ideal would of been to have all your children together with one partner but think my family and my children who have experienced blended family found it a positive experience compared to a parent staying single and appreciated the extra half siblings they ended up having. Although I have seen it work very differently when new kids have been favoured etc

I definitely would not want one. It’s just my daughter and I and I wouldn’t change it. Her dad got married had another child 3 years younger. When it first happened I thought she would always want to be there but at almost 12 it’s the opposite shes find chaotic and loves the peace of her own home.

Social media is just full of the shiny sides of life .

If social media was around when I was a child my father would have been there posing away like Dad of the year with his 4 perfect children - he always made sure the bruises he inflicted were hidden from friends, family and teachers so they wouldn't have been visible there either.

Many families are not what they are what they seem to be because they are hard work - blended or not blended

This is why I love being single, I don’t want to subject my children to that crap. This is their safe space, their home, their sanctuary, I’m not taking that away from them by moving in someone that someone else has put out.