My DD5’s behaviour when it comes to her dad- how to improve this ?

[DDbehave]

For context, my husband is a loving father and adores her.

in terms of time spent with her, I’m definitely the one who’s always around for my children. I get her ready in the morning, get her to school and pick her up. I also usually go to all the school events. My husband comes to some things too. But maybe once or twice a year.

DD has grandparents nearby who she sometimes visits. I would say maybe twice a month, sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. I was there with her the other day and she didn’t want to go home. This isn’t new. It used to be horrendous, she’d tantrum and cry whenever I needed to take her home. I explained to her that I understand she wants to stay and it’s always hard to leave when you’re having fun, but that screaming and crying to the extent she does, is just too much. I also told her that if it continues, we won’t be visiting anymore.

now she’s really good about leaving in general and just accepts it and she even says afterwards- ‘ mummy see I didn’t complain even though I did want to stay ‘..

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again. Another time I went on a business trip where she stayed with her grandparents and when I came back she was really disappointed that she needed to come back home.

I didn’t scold her, as it just means she was having a really good time while I was away and I was happy about that.

recently her dad attended one of her school events and she didn’t want to go anywhere near him and had a meltdown that I didn’t come. Even though I did tell her that he was going to come.

often she says that I’m her favourite and that she doesn’t like her dad. She often actually says she doesn’t like him. If I say that dad is picking her up, she’s always disappointed. She wants to go on activities without him and just with me, a lot. The other day we were talking about my parents and she asked me if my mum was also my favourite and if I also didn’t like my dad as much.

when I ask her why she says she doesn’t like him, she says ‘ I like him when he’s funny ‘. She never actually gives me a reason as to why she doesn’t like him.

anyways I am not sure what to do really, as it makes me quite sad. Is this normal or do we have a problem ? The first half of my post illustrates that she also sometimes prefers others company over mine. But the thing with her dad is a bit upsetting.

thanks for your advice.

Your op would indicate that it’s not just her father. It’s you too?

I’m not as concerned about the examples I give around her behaviour when it comes to me. I was just painting the context of her behaviour.

she can also be funny about her grandparents. She often says she doesn’t like her grandad. Or when her grandmother visits, she’ll often ask when she’s leaving. When I then say she’s leaving tomorrow, my DD will say ‘ yes ! ‘..

Is she an only child?

No she’s not an only. She has a younger sibling ( 3 years old ).

Why did she stay at her grandparents when you went away and not at home with her father?

Because he works very long hours and wasn’t able to change his schedule.

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again.

she just doesn’t seem too happy coming home op. And it’s not just her father. Did the auntie take her back to her own home?

Well if he wants to improve his relationship with his daughter, this would have been a great opportunity to carve out some 1-2-1 time

I can’t remember if her auntie took her home or not actually. She often doesn’t want to come home after school, she wants to go to the park or on a play date or softplay. Especially in the summer !

@Alongtoeit just wasn’t possible that time as my trip was very short notice.

I feel like she’s always ‘ on a hype ‘- she always wants to go out and have fun basically. And sometimes the more we go out and do fun activities, the more unhappy she is about inevitably coming back home !

I thought your concern was her relationship with her father?

what is he doing to address it? He could take her out for the day today?

I’m just painting context of her personality ! He’s working today. Yesterday when he wasn’t working he picked her up from school and she was upset about it… he also read her stories last night. He often reads stories to her at the weekend, which she loves. But then she still wants me when she’s falling asleep.

But then sometimes she wants her aunt rather than you. Or her grandparents rather than you.

She is 5. She just sounds like she’s a little unsettled. Maybe just more home time doing “homey” stuff with her dad around and not working will help

But why would having relationships with other people be unsettling for her ? She’s mostly with me/us. I pick her up and drop her every day. I thought having relationships with wider family is a healthy thing for kids ? Other people are not her main care givers at all, it’s just occasional.

Did I say that having relationships with others was the cause of her feeling unsettled?

no

i don’t know the cause but she sounds unsettled

She never wants her aunt or grandparents at bed time. She just wanted her aunt that one time when she picked her up and then she expected her to pick her up again and was unhappy to see me.

I don’t think this is unusual. I’m the same and so is my toddler son. The first words he says are usually “Where we going today?”.

The not wanting to go home seems a bit worrying, though, and she does sound pretty unsettled overall. Could you reduce how many caregivers she has for a while, and focus on 1:1 time with you and her Dad, and time together as a whole family? Just until she’s more settled.

Well ever since she was young, she’s really struggled with transitions. MUCH more than my younger child. Maybe transitions still unsettle her. Breaks in routine perhaps aren’t good for her.

my younger child never has the kidney or tantrums she had. When it’s time to come home, he’s more than happy. He’ll get his shoes and say ‘ let’s go home ‘. Or if he gets picked up by someone one day and then me again the next, he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t have the same reaction to activities ending in general.

she doesn’t have other caregivers. I went on a trip 6 months ago, other than that, she’s been with us. No one else has picked her up since then, but me and her dad.

she sees her extended family twice a month but they’re not care giving but just coming for visits or we visit them.

Kids like novelty and being spoiled and I expect its something as minor as gran/aunt are fun on their own for a few hours adn give 100% undicided attention, rather than anything like sex abuse (I'm picking up on your unspoken but imploed concerns about male relatives).

Have you spoken to your husband about it? Does he recognise a problem or have any solutions?

Op you’re getting defensive but you mentioned the grandparents and you mentioned the aunt.

all I’m saying is, she sounds a little unsettled for some reason and maybe just some cosy family home time with her dad around too and no big activities or visitors planned would be a good idea

I don’t think I’m getting defensive. I’m just giving you the facts are they are.

but of course some family time with just us, will help, I’m sure.

Oh my goodness I was not implying anything like this at all !!

You spoke about her behaviour with her dad but have described a few occasions where she’s been unsettled with others. Are you worried about her with her dad, questioning if there’s a developmental issue re transitions, or something else?

When folk try to unpick the wider picture you’re saying everything is ok, and dad is ok so are you thinking it’s something behavioural with your DD, rather than something unsettling her generally?