My DD5’s behaviour when it comes to her dad- how to improve this ?

[DDbehave]

For context, my husband is a loving father and adores her.

in terms of time spent with her, I’m definitely the one who’s always around for my children. I get her ready in the morning, get her to school and pick her up. I also usually go to all the school events. My husband comes to some things too. But maybe once or twice a year.

DD has grandparents nearby who she sometimes visits. I would say maybe twice a month, sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. I was there with her the other day and she didn’t want to go home. This isn’t new. It used to be horrendous, she’d tantrum and cry whenever I needed to take her home. I explained to her that I understand she wants to stay and it’s always hard to leave when you’re having fun, but that screaming and crying to the extent she does, is just too much. I also told her that if it continues, we won’t be visiting anymore.

now she’s really good about leaving in general and just accepts it and she even says afterwards- ‘ mummy see I didn’t complain even though I did want to stay ‘..

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again. Another time I went on a business trip where she stayed with her grandparents and when I came back she was really disappointed that she needed to come back home.

I didn’t scold her, as it just means she was having a really good time while I was away and I was happy about that.

recently her dad attended one of her school events and she didn’t want to go anywhere near him and had a meltdown that I didn’t come. Even though I did tell her that he was going to come.

often she says that I’m her favourite and that she doesn’t like her dad. She often actually says she doesn’t like him. If I say that dad is picking her up, she’s always disappointed. She wants to go on activities without him and just with me, a lot. The other day we were talking about my parents and she asked me if my mum was also my favourite and if I also didn’t like my dad as much.

when I ask her why she says she doesn’t like him, she says ‘ I like him when he’s funny ‘. She never actually gives me a reason as to why she doesn’t like him.

anyways I am not sure what to do really, as it makes me quite sad. Is this normal or do we have a problem ? The first half of my post illustrates that she also sometimes prefers others company over mine. But the thing with her dad is a bit upsetting.

thanks for your advice.

I wouldn’t worry she loves her grandparents house. I have a great relationship with my kids and they love grandads house- they get to do whatever they wants and it’s a total novelty!

r e prefecercing you over dad. In terms of parenting styles who is more leaniant? I find my husband is far more relaxed when it comes to rules than me so they will often request him for things like stories at bedtime because he will read 3+ stories and lie with them while they fall asleep, whereas I will do 1-2 and kiss them and leave. So of course they request him! She may ask for you because she’s just more used to your way of doing things etc. I wouldn’t worry but I would make sure dad has plenty of opportunity to do stuff with her x

My older child is like this, loves his grandparents a lot but often tantrums around leaving home/leaving where we are. Very unsettled by holidays/overnight stays with GP, trips to stay with them or others. He's just quite a sensitive child.

Your child wants you at bedtime because it sounds like your husband spends no time with her, sounds like that's the main problem.

Having re read, I think I jumped the gun based on you saying she was less keennon grandad.and dad but excited for nan and aunt. My mistake, sorry x

I think she’s always craving novelty and gets bored with us sometimes. We do provide novelty for her as much as possible with surprises and outings and activities / presents etc, but she is always wanting more.

her dad is a bit of a grump and a kill joy and he thinks I go overboard with how much I like to take her out/ surprise her/ play with her. I make it all about the kids. Seeing them having fun is what I aim to do. He’s more the type who will want to have fun and take them along to whatever he finds fun.

I think DD picks up on that and therefore prefers me. When she’s been dismissive of me, it’s the novelty of the auntie or grandma she wants. When she talks about ‘ when is grandma leaving ‘ and happy when she’s gone, I think it’s because grandma tells her off more than I do and gets into battles with her about stuff I wouldn’t.

her dad is a bit of a grump and a kill joy and he thinks I go overboard with how much I like to take her out/ surprise her/ play with her. I make it all about the kids. Seeing them having fun is what I aim to do. He’s more the type who will want to have fun and take them along to whatever he finds fun.

Drip 1

I don't think I have any advice as such. I would just observe that she doesn't seem very 'centred' - that she is very focused -perhaps dependent - on what stimulus and enjoyment she gets from people and activities around her? As if she was 'hooked on the feeling' somehow.

I have read that having ADHD can be a bit like this - sensation seeking to drown out the inner noise and keep yourself kind of anchored in the present.
So as long as there is something going on, lots input, great. But if not, boredom and agitation strike! .Are the male relatives a bit quieter and more self contained?

If you are constantly trying to ensure they are doing what they want and having fun on their terms it’s not great either. A bit of boredom and going to other people’s idea of fun isn’t a bad thing.

I think I’m definitely more lenient and have a lot more patience than my husband. I also just want them to have fun. If I take them to the playground I let them stay longer or if I take them to a theme park I’ll let them go on more rides. When he comes, it’s all rushed, as he doesn’t want to be there and I think she’s picking up on that.

I realise I could be 1000 miles off the mark of course!

Ah so it might be as simple as dad says no rather more! 😅

Yeah dad definitely says NO more than I do. Could it really be as simple as that ? I’m sure when she’s with grandma or auntie, they NEVER say no to her.

whereas she doesn’t like the other grandma as much because she does tell her off the etc.

You opened up with what a great father he is.

your last few posts suggests he’s quite a disinterested father who doesn’t seem to enjoy children.

You’ve answered the point about her dad yourself. He isn’t as fun, he’s grumpy, he doesn’t play with her as much and he’s relatively absent. You are her primary carer and so of course she wants you at bed time etc. Totally normal and it will only change if the family dynamic changes more generally.

On grandparents and aunts I suspect that’s just novelty factor, nothing to be concerned about at all.

He can be a grump who doesn’t enjoy activities that are 100 percent child centric. I don’t think that makes him a bad father per se tbh.

It sounds like she loves doing fun stuff and being with her friends/teachers/wider family which is lovely. It also sounds like she doesn’t want to stop doing those things which is totally understandable, especially for a 5 year old.
I think at some point children just have to come to terms with the fact that they can’t have everything they want. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to say to my children “I’m sorry, I wish we could do X all day but we HAVE to do the food shop/go to the doctor/take your sister to her swimming lesson/whatever”. They don’t like it, but they have to do it, and they have to learn that. I tell them that I understand how they feel, but they still have to do whatever we need to get on with.

Equally with favourite people; both my kids have preferred me over my husband at points (and they’ve always just been phases which is what I think your DD is going through), and again, I would say “I know you want me to put you to bed tonight but Daddy’s going to, I’ll tuck you in tomorrow night.” And go with it. Show her that you’re fine with him being in charge or spending time with her, and she’ll get used to it. Lots of time with him and leaving him alone and in charge will help. It’s just a phase.

I think she's being a kid.
She chooses to select what seems most enjoyable for herself.
Making sure she is not hungry after school might help her make reasonable decisions. Send Dad or Aunt with a healthy snack like an apple or a milkshake. She's possibly exhausted, tired and thinking most about what is best for her.
She is clearly intelligent as she favours you, the parent who is less strict, more easily swayed to stay longer in the park etc.
As she gets older she will appreciate her Dad's personality more perhaps and enjoy a more disciplined approach to her homework, sports practise or what ever..

It does make sense. She’s cottoned on to the fact that I’m always pushing to stay longer, so stuff for them whereas he’s a bit of a killjoy unless it’s something he likes.

he loves taking them out in the garden and having them run about while he’s mowing the lawn or getting them to help him ‘ fix ‘ things etc. or letting them help him wash his car. He just feels like he has ‘ so much to do ‘ that doing something that’s 100 percent child centric is a bit of a ‘ waste of his time ‘. He feels like he should be doing stuff that’s productive instead. He needs to adjust his mindset as this is their childhood. He also seems to think they ‘ won’t even remember ‘ all the stuff we do with them anyway, so it’s not that important. He also says that he doubts his parents did as much child centric stuff with him. A lot to unpick and I do speak to him about it a fair bit.

but she’s definitely picking up on this from him and we need to flip the script together as a family.

Does she know who is picking her up every day, or who is attending the school event or does it come as a surprise?

Have you considered that she may be neurodivergent? My children are autistic and one of them was very like this as a young child (and still is now as an older teen) needing to know exactly what the plan was and not coping well with any slight deviation to this plan.

Please look at autism in girls. It presents very differently in girls and boys, and often goes under the radar in girls as a result.

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/autism-and-girls/

One of my granddaughters was exactly like this.
A secure and happy little girl with a transient and confidently expressed preference for some adults at some times. She preferred Mummy to take her to school because Daddy was on his way to work and his mind was already elsewhere - pretty normal phenomenon but not exactly perfect parenting.
She is now six and a half and tends to take adults as she finds them, some deserve more of her attention than others.
OP, your little girl is five years old - it's a normal developmental stage.

I have considered whether she might be autistic or have adhd or both. Who knows ! I guess it will become clearer in time.

she does know who’s picking her up and dropping her off indeed.

I told her that her dad would come to her event when I dropped her off and she was already upset about it when I told her. Any time I tell her that her dad is picking her up, she disappointed and says she doesn’t like him.

My brother whose kids are a few years older told me recently that at 5 they’re very centred on themselves and what they want / their preferences.

This may feel like a change of routine to her as you are the parent who usually attends. Autistic people can struggle to interpret their feelings, so it may be a resistance to change as opposed to not actually not liking her dad, but she doesn't have the skills to understand what she is feeling.

That’s very true - children re very self centred!

but you shouldn’t be feeding it and having her helping with jobs isn’t a bad thing.

it sounds like her dad needs to set aside a little time to do child centric things and you need to move away from 100% child centric

Firstly don’t tell she can’t visit her grandparents if she expresses her emotions. You will just end up with an anxious child.

itsoundslike she enjoys people who give her lots of attention and that she struggles with change. I’d give her lots of warning of something is going to be different and work with her on her emotions. It’s ok and normal to feel sad or happy but why is she getting overwhelmed? Encourage her to feel comfortable to express emotions and help her manage overwhelm. Zones of regulation is quite good .

@Shardonneigghhhthat makes sense but had I told her that her auntie is picking her up, she would have been over the moon.

if I had said her grandad was coming, she would also not have been happy.