My DD5’s behaviour when it comes to her dad- how to improve this ?

[DDbehave]

For context, my husband is a loving father and adores her.

in terms of time spent with her, I’m definitely the one who’s always around for my children. I get her ready in the morning, get her to school and pick her up. I also usually go to all the school events. My husband comes to some things too. But maybe once or twice a year.

DD has grandparents nearby who she sometimes visits. I would say maybe twice a month, sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. I was there with her the other day and she didn’t want to go home. This isn’t new. It used to be horrendous, she’d tantrum and cry whenever I needed to take her home. I explained to her that I understand she wants to stay and it’s always hard to leave when you’re having fun, but that screaming and crying to the extent she does, is just too much. I also told her that if it continues, we won’t be visiting anymore.

now she’s really good about leaving in general and just accepts it and she even says afterwards- ‘ mummy see I didn’t complain even though I did want to stay ‘..

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again. Another time I went on a business trip where she stayed with her grandparents and when I came back she was really disappointed that she needed to come back home.

I didn’t scold her, as it just means she was having a really good time while I was away and I was happy about that.

recently her dad attended one of her school events and she didn’t want to go anywhere near him and had a meltdown that I didn’t come. Even though I did tell her that he was going to come.

often she says that I’m her favourite and that she doesn’t like her dad. She often actually says she doesn’t like him. If I say that dad is picking her up, she’s always disappointed. She wants to go on activities without him and just with me, a lot. The other day we were talking about my parents and she asked me if my mum was also my favourite and if I also didn’t like my dad as much.

when I ask her why she says she doesn’t like him, she says ‘ I like him when he’s funny ‘. She never actually gives me a reason as to why she doesn’t like him.

anyways I am not sure what to do really, as it makes me quite sad. Is this normal or do we have a problem ? The first half of my post illustrates that she also sometimes prefers others company over mine. But the thing with her dad is a bit upsetting.

thanks for your advice.

I think you might be right.

Honestly I get it OP - as our kids grow we can sometimes miss it and continue with behaviour that suited them when younger

As a teacher for about a million years, seemingly, many behaviours can be put down to inconsistent parenting. She’s yo yoing between the two - super fun mum and dull, strict dad. You both need to change so you meet in the middle. He is right in that things need to be done and getting the kids to help in chores and stuff or be outside while he is mowing the lawn is a good thing. Likewise a few days out where everyone has a fun time - good too. What you are teaching her is that to feel good, you have to go and have a ‘something’ and that isn’t going to be great. Prewarning her when things are going to end is a matter of course. Practising ‘what happens when…’ is also a good way. She is so little and part of not liking is being a kid but it can turn into quite a difficulty later on. Children need to learn to be bored. Then, by being bored, they find something to do. She sounds like she is getting very used to the dopamine hit that the fun stuff gives her. This may be an adhd profile or it may not but balance is key. Start by reiterating the best stuff that dad does ‘doesnt daddy read the best stories’. Align yourselves in your parenting stles. - you need to be firmer, he needs to loosen up a bit.

Oof. Sorry OP she sounds over indulged with the makings of a kid who could alienate future friends because of her need to get what she wants, when she wants it.

I'm interested in what boxes you think she ticks for a diagnosis.

To me, she appears to be a 5yo child being raised in a very inconsistent environment and who is getting mightily spoiled.

So her dad doesn't indulge her but you do? That's what it sounds like.

You telling her she had a surprise in the car really stood out to me. The fact is was just a simple flower is irrelevant, it’s another example of making everything too exciting, too much anticipation, not prosaic enough. I can understand why, if you think your dh is too much the other way, but when every day feels likes a mini Christmas or birthday (or any exciting event) a bland, nothing day must be very hard to deal with.

Not wanting to come home and sometimes preferring a particular family member is quite common age 4 to 5. It might be good to talk about playing favourites can make people sad so she doesn't start doing the same with friends.

I wonder if your dh is “a grump”

because he’s forced into being “bad cop”

Yep - or maybe because a normal day with his kids is being billed as boring and dull.

Childhood doesn't need to be a constant stream of days out and fun experiences. Children need to learn to be bored and to fit in with mum/dad doing chores.

Your replies to this thread are really odd.

Op, I think sometimes kids try to protect themselves, she knows Dad isn't around as much (because of work) so she doesn't want to be as close to him because then she'd be upset when he's not there. My husband works away (1 week at home and 1 week at work) that means that when he's home he can be really hands on with our daughter and he does loads with her but she'll always prefer me. We've really noticed it when he says goodbye to her when he's setting off for work, she almost ignores him and doesn't want to look at him and we've realised it's because she doesn't want to get upset.

Yeah, that does make him a less than ideal parent.

I did things with my daughter that I hated. I didn’t grump about it because I’m an adult and understand kids pick up on that. Putting your children’s entertainment above yours on a day out is basic parenting 101.

She doesn’t like him because he is moody and sees her as a bother. You need to have words with him.

My 6 year old ds hates his dad

OP I mean this kindly but you sound like a "Disney Dad" and of course anyone who doesn't respond in the same way is going to be unpopular in comparison. You're not doing either your DD or your DH any favours by making every moment focused on child-centred fun. Your DD is part of a family, a community, a wider network. She needs to learn that not every moment will be centred around fun or surprises for her - and until you buy into that your DH's relationship with her is always going to suffer.

I also wonder if your DH comes across as a grump because he's fed up of every occasion having to be completely child-centred and giving your daughter her own way.

I don’t know if every thing we do needs to be child centred per se. I’ll give some examples examples:

at the weekend, DH wants to go and explore restaurants and pubs with us. That would be the only thing he does that day.

he will get up at around 9. Get ready and drive half an hour to an hour to a restaurant, have lunch and go home.

he might then do some gardening and involve the kids.

whereas for me, just taking them for a meal isn’t really enough. They don’t even like it much.

I would, go to a playground and then go got a meal.

or a recent trip to a seaside town. He wanted to just go for a meal and pretty much come straight home. I wanted them to go on rides/ to the beach as well. He did that for 30 minutes max, which I didn’t think was fair.

I think we can combine doing stuff for the kids and doing stuff we enjoy. But if it doesn’t want for me, we’d never go to the playground, the farm, the beach or softplay.

compared to other parents I don’t do anything more exciting or extra with my kids. It’s just normal stuff you do when you have kids.

Also just to add, him involving the kids in gardening is on a good day.

usually he will just crash out and watch TV, often on his own.

Well it sounds like you have 2 issues

he’s not an engaged father and you’re over compensating.

I guess you need to sit him down and tell him it isn’t working for you or your kids and what’s the plan

Definitely not a diagnosis! You need a clinical child psych for that.

But the constant seeking after stimulation, the rigidity of behaviour such as meltdowns when she has to change her activity mid stream, the black and white thinking and obsessive fixation with her.aunt picking her up again, being unable to think flexibly and adapt to what seem like very small changes in routine. These would all lead me to keep a close eye on her for the next couple of years and seek an assessment if they don't turn out to be just a developmental stage and pass fairly quickly, as they ought to at this age.

I would also be inclined to read up a little on adult ASD behaviours to see whether you feel your husband may fit the profile. Even if he doesn't want to look into a diagnosis, it could give you more understanding of his behaviours and also of your daughter's, given the strong genetic links with ADHD/ ASD.

Also very possible. But see my post above for the things I would be keeping an eye on for the next couple of years.

You started by saying he is a good father.
Then you say he isn't child focused.
Now you say a good day is the kids have to join in his activity (gardening/meal) but he struggles to do anything the kid's would enjoy for more than 30mins.
I think your daughter is actually the clever one here. She sees a parent that isn't interested in her.

Your problem is not your daughter. Your post should have been 'my husband isn't interested in the children or family life, help.'

If I was in your situation I would be asking dad to make a change. Time with the kids and as a family is a priority and it sounds like it is already affecting your children. It won't get any better unless a change is made.

Why do you think her environment is inconsistent ?

@WaryHikershe is definitely after a dopamine hit a lot of the time. As for not being able to handle things ending / transitions, she’s so so so much better than she was at 2-3 and a half years old.

now it doesn’t really happen anymore when I get finish an activity. I just took her to a party and we left with no fuss at all. It would have been a different story a couple of years ago. She would have had a massive tantrum.

she’s really really improved in this area. Apart from the thing with her aunt picking her up, but that’s just a different thing. Somehow she’d got it into her heard her aunt was picking her up again and then got upset when she realised she wasn’t.

but she really has done a 360 on her issue with when we leave places she’s having fun at. It used to be so bad, I would avoid taking her to stuff we it was unbearable.

Because you and your DH seem to do things at total extremes to each other. Children need consistency from both parents. Not one parent who does all the fun, exciting stuff and another who never does anything.