My DD5’s behaviour when it comes to her dad- how to improve this ?

[DDbehave]

For context, my husband is a loving father and adores her.

in terms of time spent with her, I’m definitely the one who’s always around for my children. I get her ready in the morning, get her to school and pick her up. I also usually go to all the school events. My husband comes to some things too. But maybe once or twice a year.

DD has grandparents nearby who she sometimes visits. I would say maybe twice a month, sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. I was there with her the other day and she didn’t want to go home. This isn’t new. It used to be horrendous, she’d tantrum and cry whenever I needed to take her home. I explained to her that I understand she wants to stay and it’s always hard to leave when you’re having fun, but that screaming and crying to the extent she does, is just too much. I also told her that if it continues, we won’t be visiting anymore.

now she’s really good about leaving in general and just accepts it and she even says afterwards- ‘ mummy see I didn’t complain even though I did want to stay ‘..

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again. Another time I went on a business trip where she stayed with her grandparents and when I came back she was really disappointed that she needed to come back home.

I didn’t scold her, as it just means she was having a really good time while I was away and I was happy about that.

recently her dad attended one of her school events and she didn’t want to go anywhere near him and had a meltdown that I didn’t come. Even though I did tell her that he was going to come.

often she says that I’m her favourite and that she doesn’t like her dad. She often actually says she doesn’t like him. If I say that dad is picking her up, she’s always disappointed. She wants to go on activities without him and just with me, a lot. The other day we were talking about my parents and she asked me if my mum was also my favourite and if I also didn’t like my dad as much.

when I ask her why she says she doesn’t like him, she says ‘ I like him when he’s funny ‘. She never actually gives me a reason as to why she doesn’t like him.

anyways I am not sure what to do really, as it makes me quite sad. Is this normal or do we have a problem ? The first half of my post illustrates that she also sometimes prefers others company over mine. But the thing with her dad is a bit upsetting.

thanks for your advice.

He is responsible for his relationship with his kids. Is he more interested in the boy? He doesn't sound at all interested in them tho. If he's working long hours and then has a list of chores, he's doing all that first, looks like the kids are your job...

If you know she struggles with transitions, look at the advice for children with adhd, as it's helpful.

It sounds like she has insecure attachments
that’s not a criticism, some people just struggle with lots of change and different caregivers. Wanting a ‘favourite’ is a symptom of that

What causes insecure attachments ??

No he’s not more interested in the boy. It’s the same. The boy is more interested in him though !

Children can tell who prioritises them and who doesn't really want to be there. If your husband is working long hours and not doing anything to mitigate that when he does spend time with her of course she favours you. Children want to feel secure and that they are important to their parents. Not saying at all that she should be the centre of attention always or her enjoyment should be prioritised at all times by him, but does he/ could he do something regularly where she is the focus, for example he could take her to a sports or other class she enjoys and get involved in encouraging and “cheerleading” her? Or have a regular catch up one to one where she knows on x night I will be able to have a hot chocolate and a chat with daddy about whatever I like? Seemingly small things can make a difference, and guaranteed she will remember for example oh on Sunday evenings daddy took me to badminton and we used to have a really good chat in the car on the way home etc rather than he was always stressed and doing chores.

I don’t think she has insecure attachments. I’ve been reading up on it and it doesn’t sound like her at all.

*I think she’s always craving novelty and gets bored with us sometimes. We do provide novelty for her as much as possible with surprises and outings and activities / presents etc, but she is always wanting more.

her dad is a bit of a grump and a kill joy and he thinks I go overboard with how much I like to take her out/ surprise her/ play with her. I make it all about the kids. Seeing them having fun is what I aim to do. He’s more the type who will want to have fun and take them along to whatever he finds fun*

I think you need to be careful feeding her appetite for novelty. Yes it’s great to do lots of activities and have presents etc but kids also need to be able to occupy themselves without constant entertainment. They need routine, down time and boredom and the stuff of life needs to happen too.

It’s one thing to make it all about the kids, but that’s unsustainable as they get older and want more and more, and haven’t learned to be bored. Of course she’ll prefer fun mummy who’s full of treats and surprises - you need to find some balance between your DHs approach and yours. It’s fine for kids to play in the garden while he cuts the grass - when will it happen otherwise? It’s ok for them to know there are things mum and dad enjoy but the kids might like less. They’re learning to accommodate everyone’s wants and needs in the family, not just their own.

Your DH sounds too absent and disinterested and I wonder if (subconsciously) you're making up for that by being over-present and too child focused?

Kids helping with jobs is a good thing, but he needs to do some child-centred stuff too. Equally you don't need to be doing child-centred stuff with her all the time - it's okay for her to have to tag along doing "adult" stuff as well.

And it's okay for her to be bored. Just because she craves activity and novelty, doesn't mean it's good for her to get it constantly.

She is old enough to know that these tantrums and unkind remarks are not OK. I think you need to be clear that these are not OK and give a consequence. I think you have fallen down the gentle parenting rabbit hole. Your dh needs to do more and you need to stick to your guns and say no daddy will put you bed. Mummy will kiss you goodnight. Off you go.

I think the main problem is that everything you do is centred on the children. You like to surprise them, give them a fun time and make it all about them. Obviously on days that doesn't happen, she finds it a let down and probably slightly boring. She also probably finds people who don't do what she wants boring as well. I think they have to learn that everything isn't always about what they want....it is fine to have a fun time but not all the time.

They may not remember specific activities, but they will remember a Dad who's not interested in activities unless their is something in it for him, whom you describe as a "grump" and a "killjoy".

I would encourage staying at home and doing fun things as a family, dad included. Do some messy play, build a dentist and have dinner in it, water fight in the garden, etc. It can be common for kids to not want to go home because when they do parents then get on with chores and that attention isn't the same, and the child tend to have to entertain themselves. Have days in the house, she can help with the chores, etc.

If dad works long hours then it is natural for her to have a closer bond with you. However dad and daughter time would be a good step in the right direction. He needs to take the kids out and in the house and have fun with them, without you sometimes too.

I'd leave bedtime for now and work on the other areas, but then if bedtime is becoming an issue (your time) then do bedtime together, both parents, and then eventually dad just does it and persevere. Once the bond is developed through the other time spent it will make it ameasier at bedtime.

Yes they absolutely do need to learn that not everything is about them having fun. I feel like she’s always seeking novelty and excitement. Also if I make something novel and exciting once, she expects it again and again.

I explained at length to her the other day that if we get surprises all the time, it’s not really exciting or fun anymore. The thing that makes it so fun is that it’s unexpected and doesn’t happen all the time.

saying all that, sometimes, for them, even the tiniest things make them so happy. Sometimes I’ll just pick a flower and I will tell her she’s got a little surprise in the car when I pick her up from school and as soon as she sees it, she’s so happy. It doesn’t take much to make her excited.

I missed this post before I responded. This makes sense and was what I thought could be happening. Every parent has lots to do, but we have to make time where the child is the centre of our attention. It doesn't sound like dad does that which your daughter has picked up on. Dad needs to learn some new skills, it'll be a tough learning curve but if he doesn't both kids will become uninterested in him in the future.

This reminds me of DH and DS1 pre covid. DH was tired and stressed all the time, only saw DS1 for about an hour a day during the week and 'needed' to sleep until midday on the weekend just to cope. He had no idea how to play with a child that was too young for lego or computer games and I think he thought he'd just wait it out. His own Dad never played with DH and his sister, ever.

Anyway, covid happened, DH was around all day, so much happier and started to learn more about DS1 and have more fun with getting decorated in stickers, or making tidal waves in the bath or seeing how big a tower they could make with cat food etc. Silly things. It helped that Bluey came out at that time!

Anyway, if you think it's a DH problem he will need to spend a chunk of one on one time, prioritising her and learning about her. I'm not sure how you convince him that his precious time is worth it though.

Yes I agree. I think you’ve made a bit of a rod for your own back ensuring your dd is constantly entertained and stimulated. It’s important kids experience and manage boredom.

Just because she doesn't like being bored it doesn't mean she can never be bored, you'll run yourself ragged and it's not good for her to be addicted to dopamine activities all the time.

Children need to learn to be bored so they can self regulate and and manage their feelings in different situations.

In relation to your DH, there needs to be a balance between what you try to provide ie constant stimulation and excitement and fun, and what your DH provides ie absence.

How is your DD when you do things as a family altogether?

More family activities might help her get a mix of experiences and emotions and balanced view of you both.

She sounds very unsettled for whatever reason. I’d concentrate on your relationship with her, and let others deal with theirs, tbh.
You trying to convince her to ‘like’ others may be interpreted by her as you trying to wean her off you/tell her you aren’t always going to be there for her.

Sometimes I’ll just pick a flower and I will tell her she’s got a little surprise in the car when I pick her up from school and as soon as she sees it, she’s so happy. It doesn’t take much to make her excited.

How would she react if you didn't preface it with telling her she's got a surprise waiting, if she just got in the car and there was a flower? Would she still enjoy the flower?

Because it looks like she's more excited about "a surprise" rather than the actual experience or item.

You need to wean her off surprises. It might be difficult as dopamine is a powerful chemical in our brains but it stop the constant craving hyper experiences and she'll be able to enjoy relationships with family for who they are rather than what dopamine hits she gets from them.

As a teacher who has worked extensively with children with extra needs, I was expecting from your second or third post onwards for you to mention she had been put on a pathway for an ADHD/ ASD assessment.

She is certainly ticking several boxes for it. And from the way you describe your husband and his inflexible attitude and inability to just relax and have fun with them, I wouldn't be that surprised if he qualified for some sort of diagnosis too.

I think you've answered your own question here, she just prefers the people who are more fun, give her more attention which is pretty normal for her age. Maybe a weekly Father and daughter date would help build their relationship if you think he'd be up for that ☺️

I just asked her again why she doesn’t like her dad and she replied : because he doesn’t let me do what I want. I like people who let me do what I want…

What exactly about her do you think warrants your diagnosis ?

Honestly it sounds like she is over indulged and she is old enough to understand she can’t always get what she wants. It sounds like you over indulge and your DH under indulges and you need to find a healthier balance.

In terms of Sen I think it’s a little premature to consider it based on current behaviour.

You don’t sound like you like him much

“grump”
”killjoy”
Selfish “He’s more the type who will want to have fun and take them along to whatever he finds fun.**