My DD5’s behaviour when it comes to her dad- how to improve this ?

[DDbehave]

For context, my husband is a loving father and adores her.

in terms of time spent with her, I’m definitely the one who’s always around for my children. I get her ready in the morning, get her to school and pick her up. I also usually go to all the school events. My husband comes to some things too. But maybe once or twice a year.

DD has grandparents nearby who she sometimes visits. I would say maybe twice a month, sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. I was there with her the other day and she didn’t want to go home. This isn’t new. It used to be horrendous, she’d tantrum and cry whenever I needed to take her home. I explained to her that I understand she wants to stay and it’s always hard to leave when you’re having fun, but that screaming and crying to the extent she does, is just too much. I also told her that if it continues, we won’t be visiting anymore.

now she’s really good about leaving in general and just accepts it and she even says afterwards- ‘ mummy see I didn’t complain even though I did want to stay ‘..

once her auntie picked her up from school and the next day when I picked her up from school she started crying because she wanted her aunt to pick her up again. Another time I went on a business trip where she stayed with her grandparents and when I came back she was really disappointed that she needed to come back home.

I didn’t scold her, as it just means she was having a really good time while I was away and I was happy about that.

recently her dad attended one of her school events and she didn’t want to go anywhere near him and had a meltdown that I didn’t come. Even though I did tell her that he was going to come.

often she says that I’m her favourite and that she doesn’t like her dad. She often actually says she doesn’t like him. If I say that dad is picking her up, she’s always disappointed. She wants to go on activities without him and just with me, a lot. The other day we were talking about my parents and she asked me if my mum was also my favourite and if I also didn’t like my dad as much.

when I ask her why she says she doesn’t like him, she says ‘ I like him when he’s funny ‘. She never actually gives me a reason as to why she doesn’t like him.

anyways I am not sure what to do really, as it makes me quite sad. Is this normal or do we have a problem ? The first half of my post illustrates that she also sometimes prefers others company over mine. But the thing with her dad is a bit upsetting.

thanks for your advice.

I think you are discovering your little girls personality/ character. I think soon enough she will be like this about her peers : liking them if they suit the moment, not liking them if they don’t.

I think you’re right. She’s picked up on it.

honestly I think the whole thing is about her age, her fathers vibe and possibly my vibe as well.

1. age - she’s only 5 and is seeking out and preferring people who’ll let her have her own way. She actually told me that this morning ! She’s actually told me she prefers people who let her do what she wants. Her aunt and grandma never say no to her..
2. fathers vibe - she’s picked up on the fact that he’s not going to let her have her way as much as I do/ do as many fun activities with her. He’s also not around a lot, which doesn’t help.
3. My vibe - possibly I indulge the dopamine hits she wants too much and need to stop with the ‘ surprises ‘.

Really ? I hope not.

@faerietalesfair enough I hadn’t thought that when you mentioned inconsistency. I thought you meant she’s here there and everywhere with lots of caregivers like others implied- which isn’t the case.

@DDbehave no, not at all - I just meant that you and your DH seem to have vastly different approaches which probably confuses her. You need to get on the same page and probably both do some compromising.

I agree we need to be more on the same page but we don’t kind of argue in front of her about what the other one is doing but I do think she probably notices when he’s annoyed we are in the park for too long or when I’m annoyed we are going home already !

She doesn't need to see you argue to know that going out with you = fun and surprises but going out with dad doesn't.

She can't live a life where she's constantly experiencing novelty and fun, but equally your DH needs to suck up a trip to the playground or whatever on a day out instead of expecting to just come straight home.

I remember a lot of days as a child doing mainly adult-centric stuff but with the odd child-friendly activity. It's okay for some days to not be focused on her.

I also remember doing mainly adult stuff. But they also love doing adult stuff like going to the supermarket, but my husband hates going to the supermarkets. He’s taken her to b and q before and she enjoyed it a lot.

they just don’t love going for meals out that much.

if it was up to my husband we would be at home all weekend, most weekends. I don’t think that’s good.

if it was up to my husband we would be at home all weekend, most weekends. I don’t think that’s good.

It's not, but neither are weekends where you're constantly on the go and never at home. Your DD said it herself - she likes it when she gets what she wants. But she needs to learn that doesn't always happen and it's a lesson she needs to learn from both you and her father.

You’re really not very keen on him are you? Quite possibly she’s picked up on tension at home hence it not being her favourite place to be

She’s just started school
she has parents with very different parenting styles and that tension is becoming clear to her

she sounds unsettled and just needs stability, weekends at home, craft, garden, playing with her sibling. With her parents around her (and happy!)

Routine, routine, routine and ignore her. If she wants mum / auntie / whoever ignore her and if she digs for info put some boundaries in and say “that’s enough now.”

Its not that deep

You said that he feels like spending time with his kids is a 'waste of his time'? Poor kids.

I might be reading too much into your posts, and probably bringing my own experiences in to it, but is there resentment possibly building from the differences in approach to parenting? Except parenting differences, is you relationship happy?

The underlying tension when either of you is upset/frustrated/not happy when you do things as a family- kids can really, really pick up on that. I say this from experience.

We have gone from him being a good dad to

grumpy
selfish
lazy
preference for son

With mother who appears to compensate by indulging and ramming days with activities

it’s no wonder the poor girl is reluctant to a) see her father and b) sometimes come home

You can still be a good person / parent who has bad qualities. I’ve only mentioned the bad ones, there are also good ones.

I never said he has a preference for his son. I said his son is interested in him more than my daughter.

If any of my friends told me they or their partner saw spending time with their kids as a waste of their time, I'd be pretty disgusted.

These bad qualities you mention

selfish
self absorbed
lazy
grumpy

oh and critical

well let’s just say you have a lower benchmark than most

Enlighten us!

I imagine he might feel pissed off that he’s always made out to be the bad guy

but on the other hand, perhaps he is the bad guy to come extent

This sounds like an unhappy and unsettled child living in an unhappy and unsettled home

She just sounds like she's being awkward (it's the age!), possibly for attention with a younger sibling. She sounds quite clever and a future good manipulator. I wouldn't read too much into it and just keep fostering good relationships with everyone. Maybe some 1:1 time weekly with Dad doing things she likes such as swimming or going to a cafe or McD's.

My kids are in their late teens and I would say they are closer to me (partly I've spent more time with them, partly I'm just a more open person) - but still love their Dad a lot. Like your H, he's worked long hours and I've had more freedom to be with them, work part time. We do have amazing family holidays though (short breaks in the UK just walking, playing games etc), and DH always put one of them to bed every night/ took them out individually at least once a month (we have 3) so they are close to him, just not as close as they are to me and that's OK I think.

Wow many of you really make us sound like terrible parents and like we provide my DD with an awful life.

that makes me very sad tbh.

I have taken some things away from this and will implement some changes. However we aren’t terrible parents and we do our best for our children.

Please, for your children's sake, make sure it's mainly your husband making the changes - not you. You come across to me like a good, caring parent. Him, not so much.