AIBU to think women escaped domesticity by hiring other women to do it?

[AlloaintheMiddle]

This has been on my mind for a while, give me your thoughts.

There’s so much talk about modern womanhood, career success, independence, “having it all”… but often, that freedom seems to rely heavily on other women stepping in to do the work they’re now too busy (or unwilling) to do: childcare, cleaning, cooking, eldercare….

It’s rarely men picking up the slack. It’s almost always other women, often migrant, often poorly paid, and working long hours to support their own families while making it possible for more privileged women to “lean in.”

AIBU to feel like this isn’t really liberation so much as delegation, and that it doesn’t dismantle gendered domestic roles, it just shifts the burden to women lower down the socioeconomic ladder? And men still get away with it?

What do you think?

I think men are doing a lot more than they used to. Most men I know Di their share of the housework. Most families I know don't have cleaners.

I escaped the work at home by having my DH pitch in -- but most of the childcare workers looking after my kids are women. Most people I know are the same and don't have paid help. Men are doing more domestic work than previously to allow both parties to work. My father does 90% of the domestic work in my parents' household.

In the scenario of paid work, yes, it is mostly women doing low-paid domestic and career work. It is changing slowly but I don't know how far it will progress. The lower paid male workers I know tend to do more physical work.

What?! Are you 15 and mummy and daddy are out on a Friday night? My employer is not benevolent. I’m not benevolent. I am paid and I pay people. It’s how it works in adult society. You’ll get there.

Childminding is not a “black market” job.
We are Ofsted registered, we have insurance, we do training courses and are paediatric first aid trained.
People who care for children without this are NOT childminders.

I don't see childcare workers as being exploited, I think good quality childcare is beneficial for kids, certainly from 2 up. I rhink they should be better paid, they really should unionise.

I think the big difference from me and my mum is how much easier it is to keep on top of the housework - decent vacuum cleaners, washer driers, microwaves for quickly heating up food etc. It's far less time consuming, and one person can manage it. I'm a single parent but was able to keep on top of work, parenting and keeping our home standing.

I've never had a cleaner or a nanny. We always juggled childcare between us, and sometimes grandparents would help out. Domestic chores are divided between us, too. The majority of working/middle-class people can't afford cleaners. And childcare will be nurseries or childminders.

We don’t need to unionise…the new government funding means most are paid far more than you realise…

It’s almost like we need to accept several hours worth of labour needs to be done to run a household. And that our working patterns for full time jobs, plus time for sleep, relaxation, exercise and some socialising away from work - do not allow for those hours to be fitted in.

It’s like our whole concept of reasonable hours for a “full time job” assumes someone else (pretty much always female) is doing all the labour required for running a home and family.

So yes, if all the adults in the household are working full time hours, either they have a shit life because what should be their relaxation, socialising, exercising or sleeping time has to be spent on domestic labour or they pay someone else to do it. (Usually still tough as they only pay someone to do some not all of it). Or they struggle as lots doesn’t get done.

The idea that there was a time that women didn't do paid work or only stayed home is also a myth.

Working class women have always worked. Most women globally and historically worked.

The myth of the Sahm is the strangest development I've seen in my life time. It's like everybody studies history and decided they must of been royalty because the other 90% men amd women had to work to live. No we were all peasants mostly all working. Very strange alternative reality

It interests me that you think the responsibility for maintaining the home and producing food belongs to women.

Your narrative only works because of sexism, and results in the standard sexist trope of everything women do being wrong.

I completely understand that childminding is more regulated in the UK but I don’t live there. I’m in Ireland where childminders/nanny’s are largely unregulated and working cash in hand. There are also a lack of official childcare spaces so these South Americans on student visas have filled the gap.

So -
I employ a window cleaner. Male
gardener - male
cleaner - not a migrant - single woman who is self employed - who I pay well over the minimum wage.
milk man - male
shopping delivery - male
amazon - 95% of time - male

These all lighten the load.
only one female - and she is the same socio economic background as myself

Ofgs don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm not 15 and what a daft thing to say. It was the tone of your post that made you sound awful. She wouldn't be able to eat without me. Yes, that's how jobs work but your haughty tone rang through.

Why have you given the marital status of the only woman on your list?

You are hilarious. I said 'feed her family' not 'eat without me'. I was not born in this country but I am pretty sure it's a common English phrase you should be aware of. It means that most people go to work to feed their families, not because they'd rather do that than stay home and watch tv all day. However if you detect a haughty tone in relation to your contribution you are absolutely correct.

When I was self-employed I escaped spreadsheet drudgery by hiring an accountant (she was a woman, should I feel guilty about that)?

A man who lives on the same street as me is a cleaner. He owns his own company and hires both men and women, they specialise in deep cleans. If in 2025 you think cleaning is the preserve of downtrodden women on minimum wage you're quite out of touch.

Coz actually
out of all of them - she is the only one I chat to, so I know. I also know she takes school holidays off - coz childcare. Which none of the men have ever had - or disclosed.

It's irrelevant though in this discussion, whether you chat to her or not.

My sister in law is a loud and proud feminist with a high level corporate job, but pays an Eastern European cleaner minimum wage to clean for her. So yes I see your point.

Delegation gives employment opportunities to other women.

It is no different to any other service, childminders and cleaners are not earning pittance, it usually suits their lifestyle too, by allowing them flexibility whilst earning.

I don't use these services, my Dsis has an important job, her dog walker and cleaner earn very well.

These jobs usually fall to other women as men generally work full time too, outside the home.

Why do you feel that way?
Do you not think a man would do a good job?
Do you view it as women's work?
Do you have trust issues with men?

If the latter are you happy with men coming in for other jobs such as plumbing, plstering etc..

Things are changing though. Childminders in Ireland will all have to be registered by Sept 2027. It’s a transitional period at the moment and people are encouraged to register.

Its still all seen as womens work !

In the past, we would have had more community and extended family to help with a lot of those things that now we pay out for.
Men escape lots of things that they want done but dont want to do too!
I don't think many men feel much shame at hiring other men to do stuff