DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Gosh, I must remember to tell my friend who has 5 children and is a doctor (first child born while she was at medical school) that it just isn't practical to work.

Of course they're jealous! When women come out with toxic misogynistic shit like 'SAHMs are freeloading bone idle scroungers' their posts are reeking of bitterness and jealousy. Women who are happy with their life (being a working mother, or working non-mother) would not feel the need to spout venom and shit at other women.

Jealous of SAHMs are ya?! 😆

(Obviously not ALL working women are jealous of SAHMs, but the ones spouting insults and vitriol at SAHMs clearly are!) 😂 We see you. 👀

It's very hard being the sole earner. It can be very worrying although if you earn millions it's obviously not worrying at all however if you both work all chores and tasks will have to be shared equally too. It would be grossly unfair for him to expect you to do what you do now and work. He will need to do his fair share. So both work, both do half.

I was in your position OP with 3 kids and a husband who was out the house 10 to 12 hours a day, and I used to look at threads full of women saying 'you've got loads of time on your hands because your kids are at school' and wonder where I was going wrong. Between school runs, chores and dog walks I had about 3 free hours a day between 6 am and 9pm and couldn't imagine how I would cope with a full time job. I ended up continuing with part time evening and weekend work - teaching adults - earning £30 to £40 an hour, usually for between 8 and 16 hours a week. It gave me an independent income I valued having and I really enjoyed the work.

Is there anything you could do that would earn you a decent hourly rate that you could fit around the children? I preferred working evenings than working school hours. My husband would do the baths and putting the kids to bed after work, and I got a few free hours during the day in term time.

Exactly. A greedy bastard and a cheat to add. Sounds like her friend has had a lucky escape!

Try harder. It’s baseless but it evidently keeps you happy

But you know who will care, the children. Everyone is banging on about how your husband sees you, if he thinks you as a freeloader, who gives a shit? You are there to look after the children. Some people choose to use paid childcare or free family childcare so they can go back to work, who really cares? How independent are you really if you can only afford half of what you have built together anyway? Can you pay your full mortgage, childcare, bills, car and so on? If you cant you are no better of no more secure than a SAHM. What a strange conversation here, where lots of women are so 'independent' all they want to achieve is to look like the 'best wife' in the eyes for their stupid husbands..

I am sorry for what happened to you.

This is something I wanted to say but wasn’t brave enough 😄 School runs, gym, cleaning a big house, laundry, scratch cooking, life admin, meeting friends, PTA and I still always had at least three hours in the day to do nothing at all before pick up!

My work is mine. Is my pride, I am good at what I do,I meet people, I develop my skills, I better myself, I grow. It gives me a routine, a sense and independence and satisfaction. I do not ask for anything because I have my own money. ( I am married and we both have the same mentality even though we put money together) I do not depend on no one the feeling is liberating. Women are not only made to breed, cook and clean. I would not chose different even if I was rich and I certainly do not feel any envy for women who chose different, nor do I judge them, but I alaways think what if he ups and go or decide he wants a newer model, what then? Where does this leave these women? Alaways be prepared for life.

And if your husband buggers off with Tina from accounts, you plan to do what?
If you are doing all things dc related then stop! Tell him you are in fact keen to go back to work and he is therefore going to do X y Z to enable you to do that.
But really? Never place your financial security in the hands of anyone else.

Well if she can do it then anyone can.

🙄

I class walking my dogs as free time.

funny how some posters assume the husband will expect to not pick up anything extra. He may well be quite happy and willing to work a bit less, leave early, do drop off and pick ups and more round the house.

its very obvious why the OP doesn’t want things to change - she’s got the easy life, kids in school and no earning responsibilities or pressure of work. It’s equally obvious that he does want things to change! Perhaps he’ll want a few years at home!

it’s very imbalanced with him having sole responsibility for funding everything. Also, she’s either not making any pension payments (which is a terrible idea thinking long term) or he’s having to pay into a pension for her on top of everything else.

The OP needs to stop being so selfish and start behaving like a partner.

@Missedp OP is very individual. I was a stay at home mum with 3 kids and didn’t enjoy it. But I see lots of people on this thread saying a cleaning it’s not a need - it really depends on your job and your partner’s! Whilst I agree it’s a luxury for us it’s definitely a need and would not go without. As other people have said cost it all up and see and discuss it openly with your husband. You do have to be on the same page.

I don’t think the kids cared either.

The present queen of England (lol) has never worked, apart from a very brief spell as an office temp, but she doesn't seem to receive such criticism as the Op of this thread !
The OP has not yet come back on to give any more information, but regarding the present queen (lol), who no doubt is over the UK retirement age, but has never worked, i have zero respect for anyone who is able to do some paid, honest work, and yet doesn't.

This too. I can only imagine what the responses would be if it was the husband saying he didn't want to work while the wife went out to work and funded everything so the husband could help his friends.

Myself and everyone else manages to clean while working and to not live in a shit tip. Marriage is a partnership, your husband isn't happy with the arrangement and therefore something needs to change. Your desire to not work doesn't trump this.

LTB an absolute outrageous suggestion 🙄

I have come across this before from husbands, and it was the first sign his foot was halfway out the door. Trying to mitigate his financial obligations, and guilt. If I were you Id look at part time study, something Id really enjoy that would lead to a better salary if I needed it in the future.

And that's essentially a defence mechanism. Seriously, with children in school and time to look after other people's children and to volunteer, no-one can exactly claim that being a SAHM is essential

My health problems are still with me. I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined 😞😱

I've got 3 DC, aged from 14 to 5. I didn't work for 7 years after the younger two were born, but now my health is slightly improved, I'm working back as a freelance writer and editor part time.

I absolutely agree it's only fair to work if you are able to, with no disabilities or health problems that stop you. If I can work, even after not being able to read properly after my head injury, then the OP surely is capable.

Life isn't a free ride. Expecting others to work and fund you, even if you can work but don't want to, is quite selfish.

Well yes, we’d all like to not work, that’d be lovely.

Is he a top % earner? Or just ok for where you live?

Hmm i would be suspicions if your children are still young. Is he trying to make you more independent financially before revealing his intentions to divorce?

Three out of four have additional needs, requiring hospital/clinic appointments regularly, but carry on making yourself appear superior💪

You get I’m actually critical of the jealous of housewives tired trope
i work FT. And very much value my career
2 working parents isn’t a catastrophic unmanageable balancing act that mn portrays it as