DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

You could get a job as a cleaner. You could be self employed and choose your own hours and still be around for school runs.

What did you do before having your children and how old are they?

I used to work for someone who was a bit like this, he had a pretty cushty number working to be honest, very flexible, minimal effort, used to stay late so he didn't have to go home and 'deal with the kids', his wife also worked but when she was made redundant she explored starting her own business, but he wouldn't have it, he said it wouldn't earn enough, even though it was her dream opportunity, he moaned and moaned about her 'lack of income' until she was forced to work night shifts cleaning at the hospital.

eventually she started that business, made it a success and did it full time, he lost his job and hasn't worked since!

Some men just can't see the wood for the trees, they want it all without thinking about how it will affect the balance at home, if her DH wants to change everything around to make it equal then that's something they should be discussing, but if he wants her to do everything she does now AND earn a wage then I don't blame her for not wanting to do it.

I think there is a happy medium. If OPs children are very young then maybe look at doing something very part time and gradually building up? If they already have spare income it is all savings or extra income. Plus OP is keeping her hand in career wise then in case things ever did go wrong.

I had to use holiday clubs/ wraparound care as a single parent, but whilst I would always want to work in some capacity, I don't think I would have done this if there had been another option. My son didn't really enjoy it, I was under pressure etc.

OP maybe start doing some research now into what roles would be a good fit (flexible, term time, remote etc) and think about how you could get qualified or experienced to get a role like this.

I can guarantee you will still end up being the default parent even if your husband is well intentioned, because that is the system your family are all very used to. It will take time for a new routine to bed in. And so I think that I'd you can afford it (which it sounds like you can) I would be wanting a more gradual transition that straight into a full time career job. I also suspect your husband is underestimating what he would need to do to the redress the balance.

Obviously this is not always possible (it wasn't for me) but where it is financially viable this is what I would do.

Personally if I was the OPs DH I’d be pretty pissed off if I was the sole earner and my DW was off helping other people during times when she could be relieving some of the financial strain.

It isn’t a job, it is running a household and raising children. Something that either employed or unemployed people can do. But a job it is not.

What I would expect her to do, is have an adult conversation with her adult husband about how they will split each task. Will he do the shopping? Or will he clean three days a week while she does 3 school runs and he does 2. That’s not misogyny, it’s working together to both financially contribute and also run a home and raise children.

Its perfectly achievable.

I totally agree.

I know I keep banging on about it but when you get divorced you will be gobsmacked as to how little they give a fuck about all of the wonderful things that you did to facilitate their lives whilst they go out to earn the money. My ex whilst we were married he sang perfectly from the hymn sheet about how lucky he was to have such beautifully turned out children, a Fit wife, all the DIY taken care of, the house immaculate he never lifted a finger
When it came to filling out the form E, I sat on my arse and did fuck all all day apparently.
(And actually I ran an online business from home that turned over 60 grand a year profit) whilst doing all of the above, but it counts for nothing in their minds.
Women need to wake up to that.

No doubt he does, as she's doing as she's told, unlike his first wife. 30 years later and she's still having to work a minimum wage job?.. while they have millions of pounds in assets?.. fucking grim.

Wonder if he'll ever let her retire?

When you don't have a choice I understand. But now you have as your children go to school. You say you have money left over every month. Let me tell you something: if you DH loses his job or he falls ill you are both trully screwed. If I was the only one working, regardless of having money left over, it would always be at the back of my mind. If I screw up or the company goes tits up or I break a leg or I have an accident or I make a mistake at work (all of these are more or less out of anyone's control) it takes several thousands of pounds per month to keep the roof over your heads and your bellies full. How long it takes to find another job you reackon? How long untill you are in danger of homelessness? With the cost of living nowadays your savings will disapear like smoke. You immagine living with this streds every day? Get your arse into work, even if supermarket shifts, doesen't matter, just a lifeline. Take the bourden of your husband's shoulders, is not fair. Stop playing socialite and benefactor!

That's all I can see over and over again anytime SAHM's are mentioned, the jealous nasty mentality of a child.

My DH would want me to work as well... until I tell him he would need to get up in the morning tending to our children (one autistic) and switch jobs because going away 2-3 days per week isn't working if I were to work. When he sees what he would loose in quality of life (childcare/cleaning/cooking/homework/ not going out when he wants to) he changes his mind quickly.

You clearly need to reach a compromise that suits you both. Sounds like you have a lot of spare time on your hands

Well it is if he has no interest in doing any of it

Obviously, the first wife had to get a minimum wage job as soon as the children hit 5 it’s a case of pick your poison isn’t it?

I’m sure you are happy with not having to work and having time to do all that. If your husband is not happy, which sounds like the case, you need to discuss it.

it needs to be something agreed by you both. I have sympathy with his request

Tell him you're happy to go back to work, but then he's going to have to go 50/50 on all household chores, admin, taking days off when kids are sick, drop offs and pick ups etc.

Ahh the MN jealous of housewife trope
Yes every working woman secretly wants to give up work and is a husk wracked with jealousy

I say this with kindness, OP, but likely your plans to waft around as a SAHM don’t match the realities of your actual income and that is why your husband would like you to work. That’s not saying you’re living in dire straits, but your husband would like to stop being the sole provider and put more money in the pot.
I’ve been both a SAHM and worked f/time - without a cleaner 😄. Yes, SAHMs work, and it’s important work, but so is providing financially for your family once they’ve gone to school and even if it’s just part time.
Honestly, once you start work you’ll understand that you can be a great mum and provider, as well as feeling much more productive.
But, the minute you step out that door to work, regardless of who earns the greater income, parenting becomes a joint and equal effort with no excuses from your husband. That’s teamwork.

Problem is, some men don’t pick up the slack with chores they don’t have to do when partner is sahm. It’s ok if your partner does 50/50 if both working full time, but quite often the women still do the majority of house admin even if they work.

Exactly - has he realised you won’t be working PLUS doing everything you currently do? That he’ll need to pick up half of the childcare and housework, that after school and breakfast club will need paying for etc?

And you might well need a cleaner, contrary to what lots of people are saying!

I had a two month period between jobs when I was on gardening leave. DCs were at school so I ran the house, did all the cooking, all school runs and all the cleaning. Our house is quite large. Even cooking some quite complex meals and doing no batch cooking, I could not really get to 2 hours a day. It is of course totally different when DCs are very small or if they have health needs. However, generally with DCs at school IME it was a very easy life compared to work. I had some great lunches and enjoyed many trips to the gym.

I also wonder what the savings are for? Do you have kids who will be going off to uni in a few years, are your pensions a bit low, do you want to move to a bigger house ...

I think it would make a difference to me what the financial goals were that he wants to save for.

You need to work - and he needs to be able to share any days off work due to sick children, and do his share of household chores. My DH did.

So sit him down and make the deal clear. First time he says he can’t possibly take a day off when the DC are ill, you’re resigning.

I could never have been a SAHM - but I have a couple of friends whose DHs pulled the ‘ I have the big job’ crap, and that isn’t fair.

Why do you need a cleaner? I’ve never had one.

How old are your children and what are their needs? Odd to leave such relevant details out. Do you have 5-year old triplets who require additional support or a 16, 17, and 18 year old heading out into the world?

I don’t think so, I think most are asking whether her DH is then going to pull his weight with their family and home life, which as a SAHM the OP does. Depending on the age of the children there are a number of other issues that the DH will need to stand up for; but most of our experience is that the DH does not, and that it’s mum who has to leave work in a hurry if a DC is sick, mum running round sorting pick ups etc.