DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

You don’t need to factor in a cleaner. Amazingly, those of us who work and don’t have an unemployed partner at home often manage to do our own cleaning.

See this pisses me off to be honest, live in a 7 million pound house and the only 'contribution' that he sees as 'valid' is monetary.

I can't imagine making my partner work a minimum wage, on their feet all hours and having to deal with inconsiderate dickheads all day long, just to feel like they were 'contributing' to our relationship, while I sit there on my millions.. what a fucking farce.

But the fact that he 'left his wife for a waitress', yet blamed it on his wife not working, says everything you need to say about him.

You are both going to have to compromise. It's unfair your husband has the financial responsibility for a household of 5 so you can be around in case your friends need help? What will you do if something happens and he loses his job or he ends up ill and unable to work? It's beneficial to keep your skills up to date and contribute financially then you can perhaps both retire a little earlier!

Why doesn’t OP get a high paying job and let DH be the stay at home parent? If she really pulls her finger out she might even be able to afford a cleaner too!

it’s not a job, it’s a choice.

We figured out the monthly cost of me returning to work and it just wasn't worth it for us. Not factoring in childcare costs - private nursery and childminder and after school clubs, and then my travel money to and from work etc. We would be maybe £100/£200 better off a month. So we did a pro and con list and it works in our favour me being a SAHM, for stress levels and keeping on top of the house. You need to work out your financial calculations and also stress load. See what would actually be better.

Life admin,mean can’t get a job. Stop making stuff up
online banking etc means just use app to pay bills
put all school events in shared calendars.
Buy the book day costume in supermarket
Give sweet fa to the pta bake sale
And stop making manageable tasks seem so onerous they need a ft housewife

Maybe he’s fed up being the sole breadwinner? Maybe he’d like to cut his hours so he’s not constantly working all the time, maybe you could clean your own house like the percentage of working parents do?

I think you should talk about it fully. If he wants you to go back to work full time, then he is going to have to pick up 50% of the slack at home. Childcare/school pick ups/ kids being ill so can’t go to school/dentists appointments/shopping/ cleaning etc etc etc. if he is happy that he is going to be able to. Pick the kids up 50% of the week, plus take 50% of the sick days and 50% school holidays then great. Or how does he think that is going to work? Talking is your first point. It is not as simple as saying go back to work and still expecting you to carry the home/DC burden

Yes, it says that he finds it hard to respect lazy freeloaders and that a work ethic is important to him.

it’s up to him if he no longer what’s the burden of being the sole earner- you working adds a layer of security to the family. I would resent my husband if he chose not to work after I had asked him to work to share the financial burden. I would also feel the power imbalance and loose a bit of respect for him TBH

This. ^ Like most men, the DH will not split every tedious chore and all the grunt work and childcare 50-50 with his wife. Like most other women (who work,) she will be working, and still doing everything else in the house, and most of the childcare, domestic duties, life admin, and housework and shopping etc.

Hard to give a proper response to this thread though as the OP hasn't given the age of the 3 children. Are they all under 10? Are they 10-16, are they 15+? How old are they @Missedp ? If they are young (say, all under 10,) then you need to stay at home with them for a few years, if they're teens, not so much. Are you coming back to your thread?

I honestly think this kind of conflict when money, work and responsibilities are in question needs a third party to mediate.I'd suggest a Relate counsellor as it's a difference in how you see bringing up your children and finances.Too tricky to come to a decision alone where no one is resentful.For what it's worth I worked in a school once my kids were primary age, then back to my real job once older. Just given up work even though they are teens as they really need me. Everyone is much happier but it was a joint decision.I would have been unfulfilled and felt guilty not working when they were younger, whatever it paid but everyone is different and it is stressful working if your partner does help with house stuff.

What utter nonsense.

You may have to start looking for a job, then.

And make it clear to your DH that he'll then have to take on half of the domestic tasks, including school runs and childcare. It's absolutely fair that he wants you to work, but he can't have it both ways.

What a lot of froth about getting a job. The majority of women work. It’s. Not insurmountable
This thread has made getting a job seem like an arduous endeavour that will mean her house will descend into squalor and the so called life admin will become a crushing task

Did your calculation include your pension contributions and savings to cover you until you can get back to work should your husband’s income disappear?

add in the difference in your earnings after a few years employment gap, plus how much you’ll be better off when the childcare is no longer needed…

would you still be better off long term?

Isn't it funny how people on here only count earning MONEY as working. It's not only demeaning but is also the ultimate misogyny to say nothing a SAHM does counts as work. I bet if hubby dearest was having to do all cooking, cleaning, looking after sick children, all the school runs for several kids and do all the shopping, he'd sure as shit be moaning about the physical labour involved.

What I suspect OP's DH, and a good proportion of respondants here, expect her to do is get a full time job AND still do all of the mum work because woman's work counts for exactly fuck all.

Mumsnet, of all places, devaluing women's parental work is shocking and despicable.

This place! Money, money, money.

You're not a SAHM, your kids are in school. You're unemployed.

Who's a lazy freeloader?

I think he loved her as well. They’ve been together over 30 years now.

This.

Unless your children have SEN needs, then SAHP arrangement has to suit both your needs. Perhaps he’s been given wind that he might not get a payrise or a promotion and/or that his job is not secure. Knowing someone else can earn, is earning, may take some of the stress off. And, maybe, her remembers the person you used to be, the person he fell in love with, the person he was back then and doesn’t recognise either of you today.

You need to talk to him to understand what is driving him. It’s about your marriage first, kids second (they will one day leave and all you will have is each other), everyone else comes way behind.

Well said

Don't talk such utter rot. You sound jealous.

Money!money! Easy to dismiss when you’re the recipient but not the earner
Mere money facilitates her lifestyle. The money money he earns

Absolutely.

But the point is, WHEN she is working. Right now he’s paying for her to enable her to do it, so why would he be?