DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Why do you stay married?

I’d drastically tighten the purse strings.

It can benefit the whole family in different ways.

Equality doesn't mean that everyone has to do the same thing btw, just that they have the right to. And also women should be treated as equal to men whether some women want to be SAHM or not. If you can't see that then you're the one of the people harming the equality movement, not the OP.

Sorry but a low-skill dependent simply isn’t the equal of an earning adult. They just aren’t.

What they do day in, day out, is not going to qualify for a mortgage, a car loan or a bag of beans at Aldi to provide for the family. It has zero value in the marketplace. Without the breadwinner they have nothing.

Whereas the breadwinner certainly can provide for the family with or without the presence of a SAHer. Millions do.

It’s really short sighted and foolish to let oneself become so irrelevant.

To all of this I would say, how people want to live their lives is up to them, the fact you don't think it is a valid lifestyle has no bearing on the matter.
A couple which decides one partner will stay at home with the children is just as valid as one with 2 incomes, obviously you have to protect yourself financially- but there is zero need to go out to work just because lots of women on MN don't like the idea not all women work outside the home. It is a life choice, like any other and for the couple to decide between THEMSHELVES.

It’s like some people are completely brainless and unaware that housekeepers and cleaners are PAID. Here they are paid handsomely - £25 per hour - and some have entire businesses set up serving huge areas. Nannies are equally well respected and well paid. As are PAs to those wealthy enough to afford them. Gardeners and decorators. In what world do people live in where this is all done for free????

The SAHP might very well remain unpaid and unappreciated but they are contributing a HUGE amount to the family. If they were paid it would be a massive salary given the hours and dedication involved.

So whilst it’s all very well for people to say they are struggling on doing both. Maybe their homes are tiny and they use deliveroo and outsource all childcare?! But if you live in a reasonably sized house with multiple children and pets - you are usually doing at least the equivalent of one full time paid job and probably more.

I have just about had enough of the sneering and the fucking disrespect on here towards mothers raising their children.

Housekeepers and cleaners take care of someone else's home just as nannies take care of other people's children. They provide a service which is very different to cleaning your own home and caring for your own children.

Working parents raise their children too.

But if you live in a reasonably sized house with multiple children and pets - you are usually doing at least the equivalent of one full time paid job and probably more.

So parents with full time paid jobs must be doing the equivalent of two full time paid jobs then?

If you are a SAHP of school age children then unless you live in a mansion, have children with SEN/medical needs, if you are spending the entirety of the time that your children are at school doing family and household chores, then that is something you are choosing to do and not something that is actually necessary.

Of course there is a benefit to having one parent doing chores during the day, so that they don't have to be done in the evening/weekend, and so that you are available to cover illness and emergencies (although maybe other people have particularly sick children but this isn't generally more than a few days a year and is often less) but it's not a full time job.

This is the only majority female space I have ever been in that has such animosity towards SAHM.

It’s baffling to me why so many women on mumsnet are vitriolic towards women who do not work outside the home.

There is absolutely no anymosity, though. The OP asked if she is unreasonable, and we aaid yes under the circumstances. No one is going around booing SAHM. The whole debate only started because we have people on different fences who think different. If this setting was working she wouldn't be here, the fact that she has to ask that means there is a problem and I see where it can steem from, as I would put myself in husband's shoes, that's all! If it works for your family, full steam ahead, you don't need our opinion. If you ask me why it might not work, I'll answer honestly.

It's only the very odd person being vitriolic.
Most people are pointing out that OP can't continue to be a SAHM to school age children if her husband is not fully supportive of this, and that it isn't a necessity in this day and age, in her circumstances (including that her DH does his share of household jobs).

If OP had posted that she was the mum to 3 pre-schoolers with additional needs and also a carer for an elderly parent and that her DH worked long days including being away for weeks at a time, and he wanted her to get a job, she would have got a flurry of answers supporting her position not to get one.

Animosity?

or women trying to get the o/p to see she needs a plan for the long term.

she either needs to work, or start setting aside money to live on as living on one income is a risky strategy. If he dies, divorces, loses his job, or has an health issue which means he can’t work then there needs to be a Plan B.

i have no issue with anyone choosing to give up work if both people in the relationship decide that’s best for the family. If they can also afford to be putting aside enough for their Plan B.

it doesn’t sound like o/p is in that situation financially. Her dh is telling her they need a higher income to be able to put away a safety net.

the other huge positive to maintaining your financial independence is if you want or need to leave the marriage you can. Having seen an older relative completely trapped because of abuse- not physical but he controlled the money to the extent she couldn’t even get a bus to leave him- having your own money protects you.

it’s not that I don’t agree with sahm- I just don’t think it’s good financial sense unless the earning party earns exceptionally well.

There is a lot of animosity on MN towards SAHMs. If you have not seen that then just say that.

(I also did not say it’s just this post, it’s recurrent throughout the site. And it’s weird.)

Grrr - my last post was meant to quote this. Somebody literally just told me there was no vitriol on this post…

Would anybody have shown 'animosity' to a poster who said. I'm a SAHM. I love it. My partner wants me to be a SAHM as we BOTH feel it's the best choice for us at this time. We're both very happy with it.

No of course not.

But it has to suit both parties and that is why lots are saying the OP is being unreasonable. It isn't showing animosity to disagree with her choice given the circumstances she's described.

I find it astounding too. Women criticising other women’s choices - without knowing anything about their personal circumstances.

Often those that find it easy to work FT have a very specific set of circumstances- some of their own making and some luck. So - family help (this is HUGE), a DH that can work flexibly, lots of paid help, a flexible job etc. (I know someone will pipe up and say they work 60 hours with zero help - good for you but not something to aspire to).

It should be about choice and what is best for that family. Not sneering at other women’s lives..

Exactly we also don't care-give either.
Just work and then come home and power down seemingly.
OP... working mums do everything you do ... plus work.

But don’t you split it with DH? So I work part time and therefore do most of the stuff around the house and work. I could not work full time and do everything else (and fit in any exercise and fun).
SAHM do everything around the house and their DH’s presumably do nothing.

So it’s not really correct to say FT working women do their job and then everything SAHMs do too. As I’d assume the labour is divided with their DH and they have more paid help such as after school clubs etc.

There is equal animosity on MN toward WOHM parents.

Unfortunately the highly opinionated posters (of whatever opinion) tend to get noticed, whereas the vast majority couldn't care less what choices other families make and are simply stating their perspective about how things could work.

There are (for example) periodically threads on here from people saying that they can't possibly go to work with school age children as they don't have extended family close by and they would only get 5 weeks of annual leave and there are 12 weeks of school holiday. I think it's perfectly valid for posters to point out that lack of extended family is not a good enough excuse and that very many people do actually manage this. Partly, because it's often hard to work out if the OP genuinely hasn't realised that other childcare options exist, or whether they are starting from the viewpoint of "my child will never be left with anyone who isn't a family member". And, if it is the second, it's valid to challenge why the OP thinks that way.

Oh please... two people working full time with kids.. each person does what needs to be done but its nowhere near as easy as not working at all ... theres simply not enough hours in the day.

At no point did I say it was as easy. I was challenging the view that women who work full time then come and do everything that a SAHM does. Because they don’t. And if you have a helpful DH then that’s a good set up. You get to hand over half the drudgery to him. And can also justify paid help and childcare.

So withhold money from a partner

i thought that was considered abusive on here…

That's always going to vary depending on the couple.

Some working mothers will still do the vast majority if not all of the cooking, cleaning etc
Some DH's will come home from work and be 50/50 from then on with a SAHM

See I disagree with your final sentence.

”what’s best for the family” isn’t always what’s best for the woman.

she end up making all the sacrifices and being effectively a support human for the father and kids. She is seriously damaging her long term future and financial safety.

If that’s your choice and you are prepared to accept the risk then fine. But we then can’t be whinging about “sacrificing” careers and being left in the shit when dh leaves. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s a choice.

women need to start thinking about themselves in all this and being more selfish. If it is decided it’s “best for the family” make sure you have your pensions sorted, and you have bank accounts and savings set up in your own name. Make sure his salary covers your current bills and provides enough for future security.

modern living is different now. No final salary pensions, no spousal support or spousal pension allowance. Women are expected to be able to support themselves and there is not the system in place any more to support sahm should that single income disappear.

If you have a problem working and all the domestic chores falling to you then that’s a dh problem.

Yep true. But working a full time job and then doing everything around the home/with the kids is not something to aspire to. if needs must (single parent) I get it.

The best situation for women who work full time is to have a lot of help. That’s how it should be. Doing it all is exhausting and would have a huge impact on health.