DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I repeat though: if happy with said choices, why post and ask for opinions? As i said I don't judge anyone and I have no hate for anyone because I have no time in my life to be preocupied with other people's choices, I don't know all the ins and outs and frankly I don't care. But when asked an opinion on a forum and the answer is not matching some criterias or mindsets then people are seen as hateful or vitriloic. Maybe, they are, I don't know but if you are happy with your choice you shouldn"t be concerned or offended with people that don't agree. The fact that you do makes me think you have doubts. Just saying.

Agree - the DH needs to do 50% of all housework/childcare/admin otherwise it’s not an equal set up.

Mental health of mum, dad and kids counts too. I can't believe so many people only look at the financial side of things.

It's lovely to have a SAHM imo. Not for everyone, but I know loads. Most have highly paid husbands - if your husband earns a couple of hundred thousand a year plus bonuses, why would you go work in Tesco?

What does this have to do with my comment on the vitriol on this site aimed at SAHM?

So our value is determined by money.

Nice.

What a ridiculous view. I mean, lucky you I guess that you and your pals are clearly part of the 1%, but that is categorically not the experience of most people.

I disagree that it’s the odd person that it vitriolic towards SAHMs on this site - it’s very common and it has genuinely surprised me.

And that is a separate point to this OP specifically who I think cannot make a unilateral decision. Her and her husband need to have a long discussion on reallocation of the paid and unpaid workload in their marriage. And agree an approach together.

It's like SAHP have not heard of wage stagnation and increasing cost of living.

It's stressful being a working parent. And I'd ask you @JHound, why you don't think your worth is in £££ when the non-working person clearly thinks that of the working person in a relationship? Because if your partner said they were burnt out, mentally fucked from work and needed to quit/get a less stressful and likely lower paid role, I'm sure you'd be encouraging them to stay in it, at least until all the bills could be covered? That's just life. We cut our cloth, and then the scissors of cost of living or whatever come along and snip a little bit more off till we feel the pinch.

Our value is determined by our ability to provide the basic necessities. Which requires money and earnings .

The bank isn’t going to lend mortgage money to someone who doesn’t work just because she’s good at packing lunches or doing laundry. Changing diapers and scrubbing toilets doesn’t pay the electricity bill or the smartphone contract.

Putting all of the earnings burden on one partner when he doesn’t want that burden, and failing to earn to secure the family’s future, is lazy and entitled.

I think there is a weird and disproportionate level of animosity towards SAHMs on MN, but that's the internet for you. It brings out people with polarised or extreme views, whereas in real life, the average person never gives anyone else's marriage/work/ life balance a second thought.

Oh yeah, absolutely. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be the reality a lot of the time when it really shouldn’t be the case at all.

Seems like you’ve got to scrub toilets either way, and there’s no reason to make it sound like slavery. The SAHM does chores (including toilet cleaning) and doesn’t have to WOH to earn money; her husband provides for the family, because they are a team. The working parent does (and presumably shares chores, including toilet cleaning, if she is partnered) and earns money, with which she helps provide for her family.

Whether or not people value financial independence varies.. toilets cleaning doesn’t.

I would also say, I've had periods when I was working and periods where I've been a SAHM and this argument that someone out of the house from 8-6 or 9-5 does the same amount of "parenting" as a SAHP is frankly, ridiculous.

Even with school-aged kids, there are benefits to a SAHP. I know people dint like to hear this and obviously it's not always possible these days, but that doesn't mean it's not true. The main benefits being headspace, energy and time.

Is the post you quoted meant to be an example of vitriol? If so, I can't see it. What exactly is vitriolic in the quoted post?

Or, you know, their partner stepping up so they’re not doing everything around the home.

why is the expectation that if women work they also do the domestic chores?

why also does there seem to be an assumption that women can’t earn more the NMW at tescos? Or outearn men?

That’s exactly what I said in my earlier post. That the DH should do 50%.

That’s my entire argument- it’s much easier for women to work FT if their DH steps up and they spilt HW/childcare 50:50. Though with that situation they are not working and then coming home and doing everything that the SAHM does as they have help (as they should).

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I was a SAHM for many years. Yes, we had less money but in my view, as long as we kept a roof over our heads, did it matter? You never get time back with your kids - once its gone, it's gone forever. They're kids for what - 18 years? People live to their 80s nowadays - why miss the time with your kids if you don't have to? You'll still get your 40 years of meaningless work in.

And my experience was that my DH was absolutely fine with having no childcare responsibilities, a cook, a (really bad) cleaner, a secretary, an errand runner, etc etc. He just wanted all that AND money from my wage.

@JHound TBH I think you are looking for discord where there isn't any.

There will always be the odd 'hater' whatever the topic.

The vast majority of people on this thread is saying the OP is BU as her DH is asking her to change her lifestyle to support the family unit in a different way. The mere fact that he has suggested this change means that he is uneasy about their finances.
@Missedp prefers to believe that her lifestyle is sustainable indefinitely with no repercussions yet most of us thinks her DH may have a valid point.

They obviously need to talk about it and come to a solution that is best for the family.

The vast majority of people on here are not SAHP haters

What a disgusting thing to say (your first sentence, I mean). You really do seem to feel money is all that matters in life.

How would you feel if you were made redundant tomorrow and people started treating you as ‘less than’? Do you seriously not think people have any intrinsic worth, but that it’s all bound up in how much money they make?

People have intrinsic worth on a moral, abstract level, but not economically; they aren’t owed a living just for existing. Anyone not working is a dependent burden, economically.

If the earner doesn’t want to financially support her, she needs to get a job. Packing lunches doesn’t pay the bills.

No man I have ever met who has a SAHW, frames it in terms of her getting the cleaning done! They don't want their wives wasting time on cleaning. This is so far from the point it's ridiculous. Just hire a cleaner.

For any man I know with a SAHW, it's the flexibility, balance, energy and time they value. When you have money, your focus shifts to quality of life, rather than quantity of money, basically.

For instance, as my kids have gone through school, you can usually see the ones with a SAHP who can focus on supporting their education, going over and above. Where we live in London, kids are sitting highly competitive exams for prep school entry at age 6. The mums are across this with whole programmes to get their kids into x,y,z schools. Most people outside London probably have no idea. The husbands want their kids to do well and they know their wives are the best person to get them there!

On top of this, if you are a very high earner, you haven't got where you are by working 9-5 or counting your hours. Or debating who does housework and if it's 50/50 or 23/77 or this kind of malarkey! If one person earns hundreds of thousands, they will probably need to travel or work in ways that exceed the 'norm,' if you can call it that. So a SAHP, frees up the flexibility of the other person to pay the school fees, have the amazing homes, trips, opportunities, etc. This benefits everyone. And if you split up, the wife probably still comes away with far more than she ever could have earned anyway. This is where having a SAHP works because the children have 100% attention and the opportunities the money brings. That's why people do it.

However, if there are two people earning comparable amounts, the trade-off will be different because the loss of one income will be much more noticeable.

So I don't know here how much this DH earns. If he's on £300k and expects his wife to get a job in Tesco, he's a tosser, frankly. But if he earns 40k, then an extra £20k would make a difference. So who can say?

Well, if that’s your philosophy, let’s hope you’re never in the position of being a ‘burden’ yourself. No job has 100% security.

No, but it's quite possible to put into place savings, insurances, second income streams and other hedges. I will never be on the dole or a burden to another human being.

I have worked since age 15 and always pulled my weight. Never relied on handouts or another person's earnings for my livelihood. To do so is foolish and puts one in a subordinate, dependent role.

Exactly this. Let’s not pretend these men don’t benefit enormously from
having a SAHW. For many men there’s no way they’d be leaving work to pick up from an after school club at 4.30 (that’s the time they finish around here). So they’d be walking out of the office at 3.30?. If you’re a very high earner that comes with various demands (be that on the woman or the man). There’s often travel at the last minute (my DH is away 2-3 nights per week at very short notice).

Then the family also benefits massively by having someone being around to help with school work, ferry the children to after school clubs and sport events, come back and cook them dinner.

Two very high earners would struggle to do that I feel. Then you’re in nanny territory which may work for some families.

Being married to someone who won't work is really boring.