DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

So....if you work full time and have 3 children and collect them from wrap around care when you get home, what does your evening look like? Say the children are in bed at 8.30. That gives you 2 and a half hours before their bed time to cook a nutritious meal, clear up, help with homework, play with them and generally have a chat, take them to clubs / guides / cubs, then sort out uniform and packed lunches for the next day. After that, washing, cleaning and general housework. How do you do that? I'm in awe....

Well first of all, a lot of couples arrange things so one does drop off while the other goes to work early and the other picks up. so pick up may be as early as school finishing time.

If they are at wrap around care for a longer period of time, they will be given food there. Or you have a repertoire of meals that are ready in half an hour or batch cook. younger primary school children won't go to clubs on a weekday evening after wrap around; and older ones can stay up later and go to later clubs. You can also organise wrap around to include clubs depending on your provider.

uniform sorting takes 2 minutes (and they do it themselves from about 7); packed lunches I used to make in the morning while waiting for the kettle to boil.

We had 15 minutes tidy up before the DC went to bed and everyone pitched in. more general cleaning was done in a couple of hours on a Saturday morning - when the children were older they helped too; when they were younger DH or I took them out while the other blitzed the housework. Plus, the longer everyone is not in the house, the less housework there is to do.
We had a "rule" that the adults sat down when the DC were in bed to enjoy the evening (i.e no more housework).

It just needs a routine and to be organised. As has been said on this thread already tasks expand to fit the time available. People who spend all day cleaning are attaining a level of cleanliness because they can, not because it is necessary.

How old are the kids? If you have any below school age then it’s a bit more understandable wanting to be home.
But honestly if the kids are older then why not work part time? You don’t need a cleaner. Share the chores a bit more if you’re working too. I find working a couple of evenings a week when my husband is home works well for our family. No need to pay for childcare and I’m free during the day if one gets sick or there’s something happening at the school (admittedly it can be tiring working late after parenting all day) . It gets me out using my brain in a different way, means I can treat myself without feeling bad about spending family funds and there isn’t a gap on my CV when I do decide to pick up more hours. It’s also given us more security as my husband lost his last job recently and I was able to pick up extra shifts immediately to help us cushion our funds until he found something else.
I work 10 hours a week and it has very little impact on my home life, other than missing 2 bedtime routines a week and being a little more tired the day after an evening shift. I enjoy the job too and made new friends.
Honestly there have been no real downsides for me.

Do SAHM's children not go to school?

Register to become a childminder,that way you can carry on doing what you enjoy while also contributing to the finances. Then, when your children are in secondary school you may feel like you want to get back out into the workplace.

It’s hard to make a full judgement on how the conversation went but it sounds to me like your husband sees an opportunity to improve your long term financial position, possibly allowing him to retire earlier etc. Based on the information you’ve provided so far, your kids are at school and so whilst you have to juggle holidays and pick-ups, you also must have spare capacity to do other things. This isn’t to devalue the role of a SAHM but equally I really worry for you having had no independent savings, a big NIC earnings gap to qualify for state pension and limited opportunity to have built up a private pension. There is a lot of financial pressure on your husband, because he’s not just working to maintain the house, he’s also working to a retirement where he currently needs to support you too. I feel that this is unfair on him. You also do not mention if he is happy in his career. I can imagine there might be a huge amount of resentment in a relationship where someone is unhappy in their job, but unable to make changes as their income is so critical to the household. Alongside this doing half the house responsibilities, so overall a disproportionate amount of the heavy lifting for the family. There might be a perception that you’re lacking support in him, meanwhile have sufficient time to focus on volunteering / supporting other parties.

Excellent reply from @RedSkyDelights

It really is normal, for most parents @Tryonemoretime . I am surprised you think this is such an unusual way to live.

I don't really value independence in and of itself. Interdependence is fine with me... I did my last part time job mostly to meet people too, and didnt manage to make any friends. But, to each their own

The very young ones arent in school yet, usually

Do you not clean your toilets ?

And hed not happy with you current arrangement so there needs to be a compromise. I'm sure you can find suitable part time work to fit in with your school age children and between the both of you you can clean the house.

It seems to me this is to do with your husband not supporting your status as a SAHM, not about the money- some men just really resent the time you spend at home.
My father married a woman 15 years his junior, they lived abroad while he earned very good money, she was a SAHM.
He always said when they came back to England she would have to go out to work. He retired on health grounds on a good pension (but not as good as it would have been because he sacrificed in order that she would get 2/3 rather than a half of his pension when he predeceased her.)
They had plenty to live on but he insisted, she wasn't qualified to do anything except cut hair-but she said she didn't want to go back to that, so she retrained as a nursery nurse.
She had 3 different placements , all of which she sabotaged, because she didn't want to work.
Dad insisted again, she was forced to become a completely unqualified teaching assistant, because no one in her district would employ her in a nursery because she had such a bad reputation.
She thought she would be a teaching assistant for a few months, because Dad would see how little she earned and let her stop.
Dad insisted she continue for 10 years , the money she earned was insignificant in comparison to what Dad's pensions brought it, but he made her continue until state pension age-it was the principle of the thing to Dad, and I think the same is true of your husband.
It is unfair and totally undervalues the work which is necessary to run a household and family- but that is how they feel.

Thank you for giving me a much-needed laugh. 😂
you're right --- it is very important that someone does the school run and the housework and is available for family and friends. So swap with your husband and see how you like it.

Get rid of the cleaner, that will save a little...Being a shame, can you not do the cleaning..Are your children in school? If your dh is wanting you to financially contribute, you should do, l understand his reasonings. Lots of woman work who have children

and sabotaging yourself at work because you don't want to work outside of the home doesn't undervalue the work, stress and responsibility of the person solely financially providing for a family?

No one is entitled to be a SAHM, no matter how much money their DH may earn.

You say that your work would pay slightly more than minimum wage: how much does your Local Volunteering pay?

No one is suggesting entitlement- it's a discussion you have to have with your partner.
The point I was making is that my step mother couldn't accept it wasn't about the money.
She was wrong to sabotage because she knew how my Dad felt about it, but that's not to say I think my Dad's position was fair or rational- making someone go out to work just because you resent them staying at home is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship.
Also as I pointed out my Dad was retired ,so he had no stress providing for his family, what about the stress and work of keeping the household going and caring for the children?
Most breadwinners would not like to swop with a SAHM, I've seen this tried , both roles are hard work and stressful- why pretend otherwise?

This is why it needs to be an agreement and not just one person deciding they won't work once children come along or if it is agreed, also agreeing up until a certain timeline and having regular discussions about it to be sure that both are still happy.

If your dad was retired, how old was these children that needed to be cared for? and no, I don't think it's particularly stressful to have all day to do household tasks, especially if the children are school age.

In OP's case, it looks like the children are all at school anyway so she has plenty of free time to herself unlike her DH who not only works but then comes home and does his fair share of housework. No wonder he's resentful.

Maybe his plan to supercharge your joint savings needs to be negotiated taking into account your young DC at this time and joint responsibilities of your family.

It can't be all on your head either, OP.

How rude of you. You don’t really do much in comparison.

I’m with your DH on this. You sound quite entitled.

Compromise on part time.

Poor bloke is working hard and having little savings to show for it.

I’m on course to retire at 55 and I want to spend that with my wife and hopefully able to help my family. This wouldn’t be possible if my wife had not gone to work. I’d be working until I’m 68 and slogging my guts out and then die.

Yes, but not because I can’t support myself or owe the breadwinner a clean toilet in exchange for my food and shelter.

I could use MY wages to hire a cleaner if I felt like it. She can’t.

Is he asking you to work full time? Or just part time whilst kids are at school? Maybe a job in a school or term time would be a compromise?

I Mean he is paying for the house they wake up in , the bills that they rack up, the food she buys, the clothes the kids wear. … literally none of that would exist if he didn’t’just get up and go to work’

I think your challenge on his responsibility is a bit ridiculous tbh

Exactly. So many here are quick to minimise the breadwinner’s contribution. As if money magically appears.

Says a lot about their mentality, really.

The bank isn’t going to let you scrub toilets or pack lunches to pay the mortgage, ladies. Your labour is only worth as much as your breadwinner thinks it is.