DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Have you thought about the benefits for you though?

pension, savings should your Dh’s income no longer support you, having an income should your dh not be working…

plus keeping in the workplace and skills current, even if you only work minimum hours. It’s a lot easier to get a job from within employment than it is from nothing, so even if you only do a few hours a week you’ll be better placed should you want or need a better income.

is he currently paying your pension? That would be the minimum for me to consider giving up work.

The OP could BE a cleaner though....self employed, choosing her own hours and we all know that cleaning is very lucrative these days!

But is he still planning on staying abroad and thinks that you should get a job even though you're doing all of the parenting too?

I’m on mat leave and I am returning 2.5 days per week, not for the money, for my own mental health. I don’t like my job so if it becomes too much then I will change jobs to a lower skilled and lower paid job but in the same sector. The sector I work in has so many flexible roles and even working 1 day a week is better than being unemployed in my opinion. I need to see other adults and feel useful, my mental health is bad if I don’t work. I find it hard to comprehend wanting to never work, even a few hours a week. I would feel so low and anxious. As I said, there are loads of job roles that are flexible. I’m wondering why you’re so upset about this? You already volunteer so it’s the same concept - contributing to society

So we have one party working full time, the sole earner, doing a fair bit at home too.

and the other party not working, with time to volunteer or helP out family.

we all know what the second party would be called if they were a man

I'm a primary school teacher and in NI we are crying out for classroom assistants. The vast majority in our school had no previous experience or early years training. Some of them are staff members young adult children who are in need of a job or are in-between jobs, studying part time etc. Not sure if it's the same in the rest of the UK. The pay is rubbish but it's perfect to fit round the school hours and holidays and not having to pay any childcare.

It doesn't have to be full time, all or nothing. How about one or two days (16 hours) a week? I guess you will be suprised how much you enjoy it.

It depends on how your partner helps around the house and with the children - I know from experience my Ex would have expected to do a job as well as everything else. If this is the case - then no way - if, however he's a helper, then play fair and if it's cost efficient, get a job. You could always get a really low paid one deliberately so it's not economic. Or become a topless barmaid - perhaps he'll change his tune!

Yep! 3 year old will be 4 soonish and then go to school in September. So he wants me to get a job as they will all be in school. I would still be doing all the parenting, house stuff, covering sick days, taking kids to clubs etc and we have no family help so it all falls on me in terms of the kids.

I thought being a SAHP required the agreement of both spouses?

Sadly only works while both on same page. Once all the kids are at school and the working partner isn’t happy carrying the financial burden alone for whatever reason sadly they get the deciding vote and it’s game over I’m afraid.
You got till all three at school age it sounds which is a massive privilege these days.
Fair Rota divvying up school runs and housework, admin all that jazz etc.
A cleaner wouldn’t be a necessity surely ?

I couldn't care less whether women are SAHMs or not and wouldn't choose to be one.

But OP's DH has to be on board with it and he isn't, and so it doesn't matter whether everyone on here agrees with OP or not, we are not the people who needs convincing.

What this thread has hopefully shown her is that there is a variety of opinion and that different points of views are equally valid.

When dd was in primary school I was desperate to get myself a little job just for me and my own money even though dh was on a good wage for all of us.
i got a job as a school lunchtime supervisor. It was 1.5 hours/day and not a lot of money but it kept me in the work force. There are lots of jobs in schools
when dd turned 13 I got a 30hr/week job I love as a hospital receptionist. It’s shift work which suits my lifestyle

Not sure I agree. What responsibility does he have? He gets up goes to work no thought for the kids his wife, housework, chores, school runs, meals, shopping bills, general life planning.

on the one hand OP it is a bit entitled to expect to be a SAHM if that wasn’t the deal when you got married/ had kids. Did you discuss expectations?

As others have said set out what you every day. Price up your labour at min wage and show him your value. Use that to plan out what he can do and he needs an honest conversation as to how he will pick up 50%. School drop offs pick ups illnesses. Plus all the ‘house work and life admin’. Is he REALLY prepared to? Probably not but don’t let him run you into the ground.

Does he really love or care for you because any sensible person could see that working for min wage and paying a cleaner £15/hr is crazy not to mention the impact on kids welfare with long days in wrap around care. If he resents you not working question the marriage and in that case you do need to think about how you will support yourself if you split up. For that reason for yourself you should think about career options because once kids at secondary then you will have a lot more time available.

I think it is fair not to be excited about minimum wage work. I haven’t worked since I was 21 as we moved to America and I haven’t had a work visa since then. Soon I’ll be allowed to work again but with no degree and no work experience in 22 years my prospects are bleak. And my nerves are shot at the thought of getting back into a daily grind. After decades of being a lady of leisure.

that said, your husband has every right to wish you would work. And it might cause friction and a divorce if you refuse

But thats different to the OP. He supports them all financially and pulls his weight in the house, and with the kids, while she spends her time doing her half and bog all else that benefits the family. The only person it benefits is her.

I would bat it right back to him and ask him who is going to be covering his half of the housework, childcare, sick days etc while he is away. Because right now he clearly isnt seeing that with him completely absent, it is all 100% on you. Its common for men to overestimate what their physical contribution to childcare/housework etc is, but he cannot claim he does any more than 0%. So what would his solution to that be? Point out that you would need to employ a cleaner and pay for wraparound care and holiday childcare as finding a termtime school hours job is on a par with finding a hens tooth wrapped in unicorn hair at the end of a rainbow.

She should be sure to offset all that she costs him against her supposed “value.”

This!
Whats the chance that he’ll expect the same level of “service” as he has now but with her brining in money.
A serious discussion needs to be had to find out what his expectations are. I doubt they are realistic.

Exactly.

All of the stereotypes trotted out here implying that breadwinners never do housework and childcare are absurd, too.

Yup

God I would feel extremely unappreciated if I was you.

What's his own work/life balance like?

I work 8.30-2.30 so I provide and do the school runs aswell ! do my own cleaning! it is possible. I wouldn't be able to cope with not earning my own cash it's a very vulnerable situation to put yourself in

This happened to me!

It’s a busy job but then he has his evenings and weekends to himself

What responsibility does he have? Are you serious? Do you think feeding and clothing and housing 4 other people plus himself independently isn't a big damn responsibility?

One that is often downplayed as no big deal, often by those who have no idea the pressure of everything falling to you financially.

Not to mention the fact that OP has said he does his fair share around the house.