DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Undertaking your own chores in your own home isn’t a job.end of

I don't see why you can't if he does his fair share? I think it is nice to earn your own money and spend as you like. Be careful you don't annoy him too much and then want a divorce. You would have to work then.

yes it seems a long way off when you’re in your 30’s, but 20 years later I am so glad we both worked.

instead of dh or I facing working until state pension age of 68, we are hoping to retire by 55, at the latest 60. When we’ll be fit enough still to travel and do stuff we want.

I also agree with pp who are minimising the Dh’s financial contribution. Income is more important than having someone to do the life admin full time.

I was thinking that would be the case.

How much pressure is he putting on you to do this? Has he ever had to look after the kids himself?

Benefit to whom exactly? The 5 or 8h a day your kids are at school you could do something to contribute but you chose not to, so I think this benefits you. Dress it as you want but don't normalise it as is not. We want equal rights, we want to be tratead the same yet we pull this shit where we need to provided for. No, get your own job as tomorrow he might want an update and you'll be crying that you can't cope by yourself. I see my marriage as a team, we both pull our weight and both support eachother, if one of us is down the other holds the fort until the other gets up.

I wouldn’t say I had to work
I always knew I didn’t want to give up my career
I did go part time until my youngest DC went to school
It has worked brilliantly for all of us, me ,DH and DC
I can see no advantage there would have been to my family for me to stay home and do life admin ( whatever that is )
My DH go 50/50 on everything

I've been a SAHM and it was tough when my children were tiny. Once they were at school it was way too easy although it took me a while to admit this to myself.
I remember a friend asking me what I did all day when the children were at school. I was so offended! I said "Well I don't get a moment to relax! I have to buy food, cook, clean the house, do laundry. It takes up all my time!". Of course she was doing those things too as well as working.
Eventually I had to admit I was filling my time with chores by doing them slowly and leisurely. I most definitely had time to work.
I got a part time job working in school hours, 9.30 to 2.30 a few days a week. At first I was only brining in £1000 a month- but actually that's £1000 a month we didn't have before! It eased the pressure on my DH and I was able to pay some bills and save the rest.
I organise my time differently now I'm working. We tend to meal plan and batch cook at weekends. It's all perfectly doable.
I do think you need to consider the fact you're not paying national insurance contributions and how this impacts your pension. You're also in a precarious situation should your DH lose his job or leave.
I feel much better now I'm earning and I'm in a less vulnerable position should anything happen to DH.

Exactly.

Her kids are all in school.

Some people have mentioned national insurance so I thought it would be useful to point out that you can claim NI credits in some cases. This page gives full details. The most relevant one here is for parents of children under 12 who are registered for child benefit (even if they don't get it): https://www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility

@AwakeAmbs sore?
yes I’m really touchy about having a career I’m good at
Touchy about being solvent and not reliant on a man
I observe the tetchy rebukes to working mum and the basis is probably the uncomfortable truth that being housewife isn’t overly onerous and there’s a fair amount of faff. Over described tasks listed as skilled onerous tasks. Paying your utility bill isn’t life admin, it’s a click on a phone

That’s a really good idea 😊

No it's not a good idea. Being a SAHM has to suit both parties and it's not suiting her partner. If it was a stay at home dad who played it out, deliberately delayed going back to work etc then quite rightly there would be a lot of backlash.

It depends what they agreed at the beginning. He can't suddenly change his mind and she has to jump.

It's totally unrealistic to make long lasting decisions prior to having children and never re-evaluate them.

Yes , it is a good idea , to retrain, & find a job you would love ..
Being a SAHM has worked all along, I’m sure it can aswel for another 2 years or so why OP retrains ..
Also , what a good example to be setting for her kids !!!!!!

Rubbish. The children are now at school, financial situations change and so do feelings. It's years later than the 'agreement' and he's sick of covering her to do voluntary work when she could be bringing in an income to support the family.

What living off a partner is a good example? I disagree.

He can. Anyone can change their mind about anything at any point.

you can’t agree to work/not to work have kids/not have kids or whatever and expect both parties to stick to that agreement for the next 40 years.

things change. He is the main earner- if he’s feeling stressed and wants a better work life balance then he’s entitled to ask his wife to help with that.

If he’s wasn’t carrying his weight at home o/p would have more of an argument to be working less to keep on top of the house and kids. But she says he does his share.

the stress of being a main earner is often underestimated here. I had a really stressful job at one point and was able to quit and take 3 months to find something else. Same when dh was made redundant, much better for our MH when we could still pay the bills.

if o/p refuses to work I’d say her dh is justified in stopping doing his share of the housework.

although she’s only hurting herself in the long run when (and it’s nearly always when) she needs to support herself because Dh’s income is no longer available to her.

You sound so silly ! You know exactly what I am Saying . .
My friend was a SAHM , her husband earned enough ..
She went retrained & became a teacher at a time that suited them as a family..
Her husband held the fort financially, & yes an amazing example to set for one’s family…

Yes, this, and I speak from experience.

OP, if you are not working and have no intention of working, you may not be entitled to full state pension. So unless your DH is spending some of his money paying into a pension for you, you are going to be in for a bit of a surprise come your retirement.

I was a SAHM for a few years and then I returned to part time work. DS is ND and had lots of issues with secondary school and college, so me working part time was a joint decision and I don't regret doing that. But it has had a financial impact that I am only just beginning to realise. I did work enough years pre-DS to ensure I get the full state pension, but my personal pensions are probably going to work out at less. I REALLY REALLY wish I had been on this site 15 years ago and got a kick up the bum about this.

No I don't sound 'silly' and don't talk to me like I'm a child thanks.

I disagree that it's an amazing example to set your family. All it shows is that you don't need to stand on your own two feet, don't need to worry about having a pension, can rely financially on others, can railroad others to get what you want etc

It would be very different if the OP's partner was in complete agreement but he's not. He doesn't want to financially cover them any more and she has to respect that after years of not bringing in a wage or pension.

It's not rubbish. You think he gets to make all the decisions? Just because she is in a disembowered situation is no reason for her to have no say. And she may have few realistic options. What's he going to do if she refuses? If he divorces her she'll get half. He signed up for this situation too.

I apologise for using the word “silly “ ..

I feel it is a good example to set for your children, as in to see their mom retrain & do a job she loves..
I understand what you are saying though , her husband has to be on board .. He very well might be , OP
needs to have a conversation with her husband.. 🤷🏻‍♀️