Page 28 | DH wants me to get a job

Tiswa · 26/04/2025 19:01

AwakeAmbs · 26/04/2025 18:58

Lots of sore working mum’s on here making sarcastic nasty comments because they have to work themselves.

I personally think it’s a benefit to the family to have a stay at home mum to older kids and I am one myself :) you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

It needs to work for everyone though. Personally not working isn’t for me but i am lucky that my skill set allows me to freelance work that means I set my own hours.
it isn’t working for him and now the kids are at school she needs to think about it

if they divorce there would be an expectation of her working

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 19:02

AwakeAmbs · 26/04/2025 18:58

Lots of sore working mum’s on here making sarcastic nasty comments because they have to work themselves.

I personally think it’s a benefit to the family to have a stay at home mum to older kids and I am one myself :) you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

Trust me, no working woman envies a dependent adult who has to scrub toilets to earn her keep.

Bruisername · 26/04/2025 19:02

This isn’t working mum vs sahm

it's a family dynamic where the DH pulls his weight at home and works full time and it sounds like he’s feeling trapped and wants his dw to help with the financial burden

kkloo · 26/04/2025 19:04

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 19:00

Talk about a complete crook of shit.

I’m a woman with great six-figure job and haven’t needed a stayhome spouse to facilitate it. Few do.

SAHM are a huge burden, requiring the breadwinner to provide shelter, electricity, water, heat, food, council tax, retirement savings, clothing, sundries, personal care, insurances, household furnishings and maintenance, technology and devices, subscriptions, leisure spending, gifts/religious contributions, transportation/auto/fuel, travel etc.

That is an enormous amount of benefit to receive in return for low-skill housekeeping and childcare. It’s greedy and lazy to fight to extend it past toddler years.

Then add in what he pays for the kids, including extracurriculars, and hopefully towards some savings, and the burden is immense. Only a slug would expect one person to carry that indefinitely.

And maybe he wants more savings and security and flexibility than “a bit left over each month.”

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Many SAHM have partners who would be doing the same job regardless of whether they had wives and kids or not, and there are plenty of breadwinners who actually enjoy being the breadwinner and don't see it as a burden.

TheIceBear · 26/04/2025 19:07

AwakeAmbs · 26/04/2025 18:58

Lots of sore working mum’s on here making sarcastic nasty comments because they have to work themselves.

I personally think it’s a benefit to the family to have a stay at home mum to older kids and I am one myself :) you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

You tell yourself that. Plenty of women on this thread have said they don’t have to work but choose to anyway myself included. There are many benefits to continuing to work and it’s not all about money.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/04/2025 19:09

I can completely see why he'd like you to get a job-a set up where one person earns money, and the other doesn't can only work when both people agree and are happy with the plan.

fantastiq · 26/04/2025 19:09

Working parents are not there for their kids as much. How can they be. The schools looking after them or the after school.. you fool nobody....

Moonbudfha · 26/04/2025 19:10

I agree if he’s willing to share responsibility off childcare housework shopping illness etc that’s fine but will he expect her to work and do it all I did this is so wrong ended up divorced as I was working and doing everything one sided so if it’s even fair enough but if not no

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 19:13

Moonbudfha · 26/04/2025 19:10

I agree if he’s willing to share responsibility off childcare housework shopping illness etc that’s fine but will he expect her to work and do it all I did this is so wrong ended up divorced as I was working and doing everything one sided so if it’s even fair enough but if not no

She already does not “do it all” by her own admission.

TheIceBear · 26/04/2025 19:13

fantastiq · 26/04/2025 19:09

Working parents are not there for their kids as much. How can they be. The schools looking after them or the after school.. you fool nobody....

The ops kids are all of school going age. She has time for volunteering therefore plenty of time to work

TeaDoesntSolveEverything · 26/04/2025 19:21

Missedp · 25/04/2025 19:24

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I literally feel like I could have written this post as I’m in the same situation but I solo parent a 3, 5 and 7 year old as my husband is working abroad for 2 years and just back when he can. He also wants me to go back to work so I would assume I would get slated too if I asked for opinions on here!

Bruisername · 26/04/2025 19:26

TeaDoesntSolveEverything · 26/04/2025 19:21

I literally feel like I could have written this post as I’m in the same situation but I solo parent a 3, 5 and 7 year old as my husband is working abroad for 2 years and just back when he can. He also wants me to go back to work so I would assume I would get slated too if I asked for opinions on here!

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I think that’s different because you have a preschooler for a start

I would also assume you’ve agreed to this arrangement because it was agreed as a family that it would give you the financial freedom to stay home.

we don’t know what was agreed with the op and how her husband is now feeling. Perhaps his job is a bit precarious. There’s a lot of unknowns

itsgettingweird · 26/04/2025 19:27

Why would you need a cleaner if you work?

Just spilt the housework according to how many hours you both WOH.

You could loom at school jobs. Hours suit and no childcare in the holidays!

BakewellGin1 · 26/04/2025 19:31

I bet your happy with that arrangement !!

Guess what though in a lot of households BOTH parents work, children go to school and hobbies, we spend time together, both parents have hobbies and get this between us we get children to and from school or to breakfast club, the house does not have fairies cleaning it we do it ourselves, as well as making meals, doing dishes and dealing with 'life admin'

We don't need a timetable or a formal division of duties. I pick up a lot due to DH working away a lot but when home he picks up a lot of the above.

I get some people have reasons meaning they cannot work but those who just like pottering about, playing house and looking after others are beyond belief. Someone else being the sole provider for everyone in the house when it isn't necessary is ridiculous.

restingbitchface30 · 26/04/2025 19:31

Why would you need a cleaner?! I honestly don’t understand how someone with school aged children wouldn’t want a job to bring some extra funds into the house! I am a SAHM to my twin toddlers, they start school in September. I’ve got a job interview Tuesday for a possible start date in June. We have done ok for 3 years but honestly I want to provide for my family too. As long as your husband takes on some of the household chores, you need to get a job! You can work 5 hours a day at no detriment to your children. It isn’t someone else’s job to solely provide your funds for you.

Crazyworldmum · 26/04/2025 19:39

AwakeAmbs · 26/04/2025 18:58

Lots of sore working mum’s on here making sarcastic nasty comments because they have to work themselves.

I personally think it’s a benefit to the family to have a stay at home mum to older kids and I am one myself :) you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

What happens if he gets ill , leaves her or worse comes to worse passes away ? I deal with divorces daily and there is nothing safer than a woman fully dependent on the husband that suddenly has no work capacity or survival skills . In fact as a mother to 2 daughters if I can teach them anything is to never depend on anyone financially. It’s extremely sad women are still unable to realise this .

LaraS2511 · 26/04/2025 19:40

A cleaner?! I work full time, two children, two cats & clean my own house!! That’s what weekends are for?!

CarpetKnees · 26/04/2025 19:41

neverbeenskiing · 26/04/2025 18:31

Don't forget that our parents / grand parents are from a generation where it was more normal for OH to go out working and mum to be SAHM.
Do you all look down on that too?

This old chestnut always gets trotted out on these threads but the reality is that working class women have always worked outside the home. My Grandmother is 90 and worked when her kids were young. She cleaned offices at night when they were in bed. She also picked fruit in the summer, the older kids had to mind the little ones. My Mum always worked full time and most of my friends Mum's had jobs when I was growing up.

Completely agree with this.

My Gran was born 126 years ago. She worked all her life (until retirement)
My Mum was born 94 years ago. She also WOTH.
I'm in my 60s, again, always WOTH.

None of us were exceptional - it was the same situation with the overwhelming majority of people we knew.

WeeOrcadian · 26/04/2025 19:50

Stop being fucking lazy and get a job

I was a SAHM and then went back to work when my DC went to school

Your attitude is likely his tipping point - you're happy to be carried by your DH but want a cleaner if you go back to work?
And I thought I'd read it all on MN. Clearly not.

He's clearly unhappy with your expectations of him and I don't blame him. Why should he carry the entire burden of providing for you all?

kkloo · 26/04/2025 19:50

TeaDoesntSolveEverything · 26/04/2025 19:21

I literally feel like I could have written this post as I’m in the same situation but I solo parent a 3, 5 and 7 year old as my husband is working abroad for 2 years and just back when he can. He also wants me to go back to work so I would assume I would get slated too if I asked for opinions on here!

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Does he want you to get a job so that he can afford to come home and not work abroad, or is he trying to say you should get a job now even though you're solo parenting?

TeaDoesntSolveEverything · 26/04/2025 19:58

kkloo · 26/04/2025 19:50

Does he want you to get a job so that he can afford to come home and not work abroad, or is he trying to say you should get a job now even though you're solo parenting?

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Same as what this post is about. He wants it so we can have more savings, have a more luxurious life even though like this post we still have money left at the end of the month.

Bruisername · 26/04/2025 20:02

TeaDoesntSolveEverything · 26/04/2025 19:58

Same as what this post is about. He wants it so we can have more savings, have a more luxurious life even though like this post we still have money left at the end of the month.

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The main difference is that the OPs DH pulls his weight at home which your DH can’t do if he’s away most of the time

Ticktockk · 26/04/2025 20:06

Pennyswimsplash · 26/04/2025 18:36

What’s the female equivalent to a cocklodger?

I want to say… “vulva landlady”?
or maybe just lazy and entitled.
or tbh maybe just can’t see the wood for the trees - it can be scary to change a way of life that you are very used to. But just go for it - you might enjoy the independence and extra cash.

Arran2024 · 26/04/2025 20:13

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 19:00

Talk about a complete crook of shit.

I’m a woman with great six-figure job and haven’t needed a stayhome spouse to facilitate it. Few do.

SAHM are a huge burden, requiring the breadwinner to provide shelter, electricity, water, heat, food, council tax, retirement savings, clothing, sundries, personal care, insurances, household furnishings and maintenance, technology and devices, subscriptions, leisure spending, gifts/religious contributions, transportation/auto/fuel, travel etc.

That is an enormous amount of benefit to receive in return for low-skill housekeeping and childcare. It’s greedy and lazy to fight to extend it past toddler years.

Then add in what he pays for the kids, including extracurriculars, and hopefully towards some savings, and the burden is immense. Only a slug would expect one person to carry that indefinitely.

And maybe he wants more savings and security and flexibility than “a bit left over each month.”

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A lot depends on what they agreed when they started this arrangement. She may have given up a decent career at his agreement / insistence.

I was a SAHM for many years, largely because we adopted two children with a lot of additional needs (autism, adhd, epilepsy, learning disabilities, ongoingceffects of early trauma) who couldn't cope with school or childcare.

I had a dog to walk every day, a biggish house to clean (a lot of dog hair!), running the children to therapy, medical appointments, endless meetings with school.

And I hated the assumption that I was some kind of "kept woman" by people who barely knew us. I suspect you might have been like that.

justasking111 · 26/04/2025 20:16

BatchCookBabe · 26/04/2025 09:32

Then pops back to post a couple of small posts - one very goady (not believing something a poster said.)

This thread was designed to not just create a debate, but to get women sniping at one another. Working mums don't care about their children - farming them out to childminders and nurseries, stay at home mums are lazy grabby individuals who are laughably innsecure and will end up penniless and barefoot and homeless when their husband leaves them - which he will of course. blah blah blah....

These threads ALWAYS descend into arguments and vitriol and hate and spite. Hardly any balanced views, and everyone thinking they're right.

Good job @Missedp 👏

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It's Friday night click bait. Happens every weekend 🙄