DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Yes but they um work in between. This means deadlines, pressure to hit targets, working often to someone elses schedule, fear of being sacked/made redundant - having tough conversations, having a boss, handling rejection, dealing with office politics, none of which SAHMs do or crucially have to do. My mat leave was a walk in the park compared to working - and my baby never slept!

Hi op,

would be very helpful to know how did you come to this arrangement? Situations change but he can’t really pushing you in a direction to then pushing you in the opposite one when he sees the wind is kinder to you…

you are right that you should be careful not to « take a wage minimum » job so that hubby feels supported but then IN ADDITION of all the other things you currently do:

• who will go and get the children?
• who will take day off if they are sick?
• who will cater around for activities?
• who will do the housework?

etc…get the picture.

if he wants to feel more supported then you are fully ok to request…the same! No you won’t do it all so who will?

Either he knows Mary Poppins or he might backtrack and stop trying to do everything for his big man job 👎🏼

The work you do in the house is just as valuable and important as his paid work. The work you do ENABLES him to work. You do the cleaning, the childcare, presumably the mealtimes and other household chores such as shopping etc. I would join the Bridging the Gap group if you're on FB and you'll see how important your work in the house is. If you're not struggling for money then there's plenty of time to boost the savings in the future

Yes…honestly, it did pop in my head that if she works then he can leave her and she can’t get so much as she will then work…

😒 but maybe it is just me…

There seem to be a lot of jealous MN'ers in the comments who can't stand OP being a SAHM as they secretly wish they were too.
OP says there is money left over every month, so it's not like they are in dire need for more. Don't forget that our parents / grand parents are from a generation where it was more normal for OH to go out working and mum to be SAHM.
Do you all look down on that too?
Majority had wonderful stable families where kids could go home after school instead of being dumped at some after school club.
I don't think OP is unreasonable as it will change her and the kids live. Ultimately, it's a discussion between her OH and her and hope they can find a compromise.

I thought that when they consider finances for divorce they do expect the sahp to work?

Some men do. My DH does, I'm sure he's not the only one.

You sound ridiculously entitled.
Your husband clearly doesn’t want to fund your cushy ‘stay at home, do as I please’ lifestyle anymore. You need to pull your finger out and work. Millions of other people manage 🙄 Our kids still have a routine.
What if he leaves you - do you have a pension and the means to survive on your own? I bet not.

Reading this thread I thought the same thing- but I often think this on mumsnet - women can’t surely be so fucking stupid to internalise misogyny to the levels I see here!

Can you please reply to how old are your children?

i was a single parent due to being deserted by my child's father, we had been together for 8 years when our baby was born.

I became:

The sole breadwinner, as he refused to pay child support
The sole care giver as he never stuck to any arrangements
The cleaner as there was no way I could have ever afforded to pay one
The gardener
The decorator
So yes, I agree with your husband, you should pull your weight and contribute financially to your household. Plus it is risky not to have your own income, we never know what is coming down the track

Why don't you try getting a part time job so you get the best of both worlds

Welcome to the real world.

I can see both sides but I would be annoyed if my partner was swanning around helping friends and family while I worked my arse off full time. Unless he gets equal time to do the same, of course.

Not only this, but you're leaving yourself very vulnerable in case anything happens. You need your own independence and money.

So you have it easy, l can understand why he would want you to get a job.

Don't forget that our parents / grand parents are from a generation where it was more normal for OH to go out working and mum to be SAHM.
Do you all look down on that too?

This old chestnut always gets trotted out on these threads but the reality is that working class women have always worked outside the home. My Grandmother is 90 and worked when her kids were young. She cleaned offices at night when they were in bed. She also picked fruit in the summer, the older kids had to mind the little ones. My Mum always worked full time and most of my friends Mum's had jobs when I was growing up.

A cleaner? Most people work and have to clean when they're not working...

If the children are at school then you aren't a SAHM, you're unemployed or a housewife surely?
I can see his point, personally I wouldn't be happy going out to work each day to pay for someone else.

I agree, think he feels annoyed and like you’re enjoying life whilst he does all the actual going to work. Working might also widen your network and possibly make you happier.

What’s the female equivalent to a cocklodger?

Exactly.

My grandmothers born 1910 and 1917 always worked outside the house, as did/does every other woman in my extended family.

I was born in the 80s and both my parents had careers. I had to go to a childminders some of the time , it did me no harm. I’m proud of my mum for keeping a career as well as raising us. Times have changed it’s great that women aren’t just seen as homemakers anymore.

What will you do if disability or illness prevents your dh from working? I think you are being unreasonable here, especially if your DC are school age. I’m a single parent of two SN kids, one has quite complex medical needs and I don’t have a big family around me and zero input from ex as he was violent and I work part time. Depending on your skills there will be something out there for you that will suit your family’s needs. It’s actually sounding like you don’t want to work which is definitely unreasonable if there’s no actual reason. I also clean my own house too

Lots of sore working mum’s on here making sarcastic nasty comments because they have to work themselves.

I personally think it’s a benefit to the family to have a stay at home mum to older kids and I am one myself :) you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

Talk about a complete crook of shit.

I’m a woman with great six-figure job and haven’t needed a stayhome spouse to facilitate it. Few do.

SAHM are a huge burden, requiring the breadwinner to provide shelter, electricity, water, heat, food, council tax, retirement savings, clothing, sundries, personal care, insurances, household furnishings and maintenance, technology and devices, subscriptions, leisure spending, gifts/religious contributions, transportation/auto/fuel, travel etc.

That is an enormous amount of benefit to receive in return for low-skill housekeeping and childcare. It’s greedy and lazy to fight to extend it past toddler years.

Then add in what he pays for the kids, including extracurriculars, and hopefully towards some savings, and the burden is immense. Only a slug would expect one person to carry that indefinitely.

And maybe he wants more savings and security and flexibility than “a bit left over each month.”