DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Just wow.
Having children is just for the women?
I'm sorry if that's what you have experienced from the men in your life... Father, grandfather etc and that has led you to this viewpoint.
It's quite sad.
Thankfully that was not my experience with my dad or grandfather.
If you don't want kids, take measures not to.
If you want kids and have them, that creates a world of work to give them good lives over and above earning money. I don't can't how that work and earning responsibility is split, but bringing children up well takes a lot of effort from their parents.
You sound damaged sorry.

I agree with everyone else, if your husband isnt happy - you need to work. Otherwise long term your marriage is at risk.

BUT and this is isnt the point of the thread
but this idea about good part time jobs around school hours is a myth. Also good 2 days a week jobs - I know no one who does this. The people that work very part time jobs are almost always women and therfore are paid less pro rata. In general the job market at the moment is pretty tough and I think you will struggle to get an admin job in a school for example with no experience.

I doubt he has factored in a cleaner, or child care. He thinks these just happen. However, it does seem unreasonable that you are at home all day and use this time to volunteer and help out friends etc whilst he is the sole earner. I actually deprecate the suggestion that doing these things is not work, and the world works much better when some people are not in paid work, but I also see his point. What about part-time to start with?

Sorry, when did you carry out this exhaustive survey of what every single working woman in this country thinks of SAHMs? Because I certainly don't remember being consulted. You don't speak for every working woman, much as you'd obviously like to.

I know lots of people (men and women) with primary school children who work part time - some around school hours and some 2 or 3 days a week. Absolutely not a myth.

However most (all?) of those people are working part time for the company that they worked for before they had children. That enabled them to request flexible working as a known quantity.

What is a myth is that you can take multiple years out of the workforce and then walk back into a job with the hours of your choosing. But I'm not even sure that is a myth - I don't think most people think that is the case?

OP would be best to use the next year or two to build some skills and experience- she may be able to use her voluntary work for this, to enable her to be more employable in the future. Frankly, this is a good idea, even if she and her DH ultimately agree that she doesn't get a job at the moment. Making herself unemployable is a really bad idea - I've known of too many familes where one parent sadly had to reduce hours due to illness or disability or passed away. Preparing for eventualities is always a good plan. Call it an insurance if you like.

All I can say is I disagree that a cleaner is always a luxury. OP hasn't mentioned any health/mobility issues, for instance, that might slow her down where things like cleaning are concerned, so it's probably not an issue for her. But what's getting my goat is that people aren't confining their opinions to OP's situation, some are making very general, one-size-fits-all statements suggesting everyone is capable of doing their own cleaning which simply isn't the case. Without wanting to derail, the self-congratulation and sanctimony of some of these 'well, I manage' statements is coming off as very arrogant.

I’ve been everything with kids - tried full time when they were babies 2 under 2 (nearly had a nervous breakdown), was a SAHM whilst I retrained, now I work part time for myself.

I don’t have any opinion other than women should have choice.

For some families it completely works that the women stays at home. That fits their whole family, nobody is resentful. What I don’t understand is the utter vitriol on here for SAHM. Saying you pity them? Maybe they pity someone working full time - as they know it’s not for them.

I do think in this case the OP can potentially look for work. But only with the things we have discussed being covered and the DH steps up.

No need for all the vitriol and calling people lazy and spongers. These DH have it good - they get to focus on their careers and do bugger all around the house. Now that’s the ideal isn’t it? Our anger should be directed at shitty men not stepping up and society making it harder for women. It shouldn’t be women against women.

Agree. It’s not a race to the bottom FFS. The whole ‘I have 5 kids, work 60 hours and clean at 1am’ is nothing to aspire to. Sorry. My advice is get all the help you can afford!

I have a cleaner and only work part time - no mobility issues I just want to have one day where I don’t do a good two hours of HW. Mumsnet probably hates me for this - I’m so lazy! It’s the best money I spend all week.

I’m more than happy with how my body looks after three chicken, thank you. I don’t need your judgement.

I was a SAHP for a number of years picking up a few hours a week with the family business.
I have since gone back almost full time and the added pressure on family life does show.
All of a sudden domestic tasks have to be shared out and it has been quite an eye opener to my DH how much I really did to ‘manage’ the family. Of course it is a privileged position to be able to be ‘the home’ maker but ultimately it willcome down to how much better off ‘financially’ you will be. This has to be off set against the added strain on you all.
I reminded my husband that I did work but it was unpaid and covered the tasks in the week that he would of spent his weekends doing. You can't have it all sadly. Good luck!

I was a SAHM for 5 years whilst my dh worked away, came home at weekends.
Once he was home permanently, he asked me to look for a job.
I couldn't go back to my original job as it was technical and things had moved on.

14 years on, I am in the same job and contribute to the household despite my wage being a quarter of dh's.
We'll have the mortgage paid off earlier thanks to my contribution overpaying it every month.
The plan is to retire earlier than we would have already.
Can you not see the advantages of having more money coming in, even if it isn't a great deal.

“Sacrificed her body “? I have to say I never ever think of it this way. Yeh my body may have imperfections it didn’t have when I was younger but that might have been the case if I didn’t have kids anyway. Plus I wanted my kids too?

It sounds like that worked for you.

Som of these DHs do seem to see their DW as just there to fit in with what's easiest for them at any given time.

Oh it's a bit hard juggling it all ... You'll have to give up work even though you'll lose your career.

Oh I don't like being the sole earner, you'll have to take whatever shitty job you can whilst I enjoy being successful in my chosen career that you supported.

Next it's... Oh you're not earning enough.

There is an assumption on MN that men love working & focusing on their career. I’m sure there are many who would love to either not work or work 2-3 days. There is also an assumption that all men earn over £60K. This is not my personal experience. I was the one who went PT but DH would have loved to go down to less days & when kids were little take them to gym, swimming, museums etc. I don’t think all men are high earning & not all enjoy being 100% responsible. What if they get made redundant or have to stop working due to illness?

Three chicken made me laugh! But I agree with you.

Haha, if you.are implying my dh is like that, you couldn't be more wrong.

Firstly, we have no family or support network around us, both sides of the family are more than 2 hours away.
I was lucky enough to be able to have taken enhanced redundancy, so was able to stay at home with them. I was quite happy to go back to work after 5 years when my redundancy ran out.

The job I have now isn't shitty and is far more rewarding than my previous career.

He doesn't give a shit how much I earn, or how much I contribute, it is all grist to the mill 🙂

So a dad is supposed to just "shut up and accept it" if the woman decides to abort the child even if the pregnancy isn't a threat to her life (which the only reason abortions should happen imo)?

Yes he is.

her body, her choice. Whatever the reason for her choice.

HTH.

Clearly your husband isn't happy and you should be contributing financially- never rely on a man. Never mind volunteering and helping friends, put your family first. Maybe look at jobs at the school or a dinner lady there, you get all the school holidays and it's paid + pension paid into as well.
It's hard when you are the breadwinner, I know what it is like and your husband is clearly feeling the strain and seeing you not working but helping others.

Neither of you are being unreasonable but you have an established routine that would be highly interrupted should you get a job. Can you swap out your volunteer hours for something that pays? Or find something on school hours, maybe even at the school? That may be an easier solution for now.

Three children is a lot of responsibility, and I know some men underestimate everything that goes into running a household and managing the kids, especially if they do sports, etc. You are running it all seamlessly while he is at the office. He may not realize how much he enjoys having the freedom to pursue his career without having to worry about who is picking up the kids or if you run out of milk. That being said, if he perceives you have six hours a day during school time to do as you please while he works, this could lead to resentment on his part. But again, he may not be aware of all that you do during that time.

I agree that you need to start with a list of costs. There will also have to be a discussion about school breaks, especially what to do with the kids in the summer, and who will drop work when the school calls because DD is sick? If he's anything like my husband, he hasn't thought through all these things because they haven't been his problem before but if you get a job, you will have a duty to your employer and far less flexibility...and therefore, so will he.

I really don’t think it’s fair for you to expect your DH to bear the entire financial burden of your family when you have time to be doing volunteer work. Fine if he’s happy with it, but he’s not. You say he also does quite a lot at home. Do you think there is an even split of workload between the two of you? Because from your description it sounds like your DH has drawn the short straw.

Op you can divide up all the school runs, childcare, cooking and cleaning and rest time for each of you, including life admin, bill paying, DIY, school commitments on to a spread sheet and then split it precisely 50/50.

Then have a discussion about the impact on him, his energy levels and job especially. If he is content to sign up for the second job he will be doing. Agree and review in 3, 6 and 12 months that if he drops or can’t manage his full 50% allocation, then you stop working.

What many men are actually asking for is that you endure two full time jobs. The one at home and the one outside the home without it impacting them in the slightest. Women should not be allowing or agreeing such an unfair and unequal arrangement. You are right to be careful op.

It’s a fair point but it’s not something I’ve seen. My own DH was nowhere to be seen until about 8.30pm every night as he was so career focused. It felt like two people trying to have a big job was a constant battle (I should have pushed for more help from him in hindsight). I agree it’s a pressure being the sole earner though.

I do agree that if more men went part time, did shared parental leave etc then it would be easier for women. I personally would have loved to have worked full time with someone else at home picking up all the slack! But with two full time it’s a different scenario.

Likewise if she isn't happy then her marriage is also at risk, so going back to work just because he said so might not give them a happy ending.

Of course she would at least have some financial independence then if they did split.

Completely agree with this:

Also OP says she will be getting a job just above minimum wage (and will probably need to be part time). Then pay for some extra help. Let’s not pretend this will ease any financial burden off the DH really. And what it will do is add a lot more stress and juggling. Not saying she shouldn’t get a job. It’s helpful to think long term. But everything needs to be weighed up.