DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Why would you need a cleaner? Many households with two working parents manage perfectly well without one?
If you feel that working for slightly above minimum wage isn’t “worth it” to you, then take steps to improve your qualifications or experience level so you can work your way up to a higher paid role.
Ultimately, I think he’s fair in saying you should be contributing financially to the household. This also means that when you return to work, he’s equally as responsible for school runs/arranging childcare etc as you are.

Because OP specifically stated she’d have to employ a cleaner in order to work. Point being that isn’t reality for most people.

Oh come on! In most relationships it is the woman that drives having children. Men go along with it and aren't that fussed about having a family. She has made the choice repeatedly to have more children. Describing it as sacrificing her body is just silly, she still has her body.

The children are now school age, her husband is working and funding it as well as pulling his weight at home, while she helps others with their children and volunteers in the community. That is freeloading. If this was the other way round, people would be calling her a cocklodger.

If she isn't careful, her husband will leave her.

OP may want a cleaner if she gets a job so that she can maximise the time she spends with her children, or to continue her volunteering activities. If some/many people choose to do their own cleaning as well as working, that's their choice. But so would be getting a cleaner. Different life choices are just that - different, so I don't see the need for the sneering.

And before anyone jumps in with 'because it's an additional cost', yes it is, but the fact that OP wants to factor it in leads me to agree with pps who have speculated that OP's DH is unlikely to pitch in and do his share around the house if OP gets a job. In which case OP is absolutely justified in sticking to her guns re a cleaner.

He does his fair share around the house, and you don't think you should have to work? Or even discuss it with him?
Maybe he's worried about his job? But feels he can't tell you because he is the sole earner.

What a daft post.

Each and every one of us can contribute our opinions to a thread, without sharing all sorts of personal information on the internet

Everyone earns poorly until they get established (or re established in your case), give it a year or two and you will have current / relevant experience in the workplace again and will be able to climb a few levels and earn more. Is doing some training a possibility? You’ve been volunteering which shows employers that you are willing and capable.

I would definitely encourage regular chats about this, it's important both parents are happy with the arrangements, whatever these are. There's a reason why your husband has mentioned this and on that alone, I'd want to know where it's come from. Something's worrying him and I wouldn't want to just dismiss that without having a proper chat.

You refused to say how many kids and how old. You sound very lazy and you want to live a life of loesure at his expense go and get a job.

With two children in school and a husband that does his fair share of running the household, then you should be well able to return to paid employment - given that your DH no longer wants to be the sole earner. If he’s not happy to do so, why should you expect him to be working five days a week while you do volunteer work and be available to support extended family and friends ??

Maybe you could compromise with a part time job to start and work up from that

I do normally have sympathy on these threads. As it’s often the case where both parents have agreed the woman stays at home initially and covers all childcare and most HW etc. The DH benefits from this. No juggling, no HW, no drudgery, he gets to focus on his career as if child free! No rushing to school pick ups, no issues if kids are ill. He gets promoted etc etc.

Then after a few years he demands the wife goes back to work. But she’s been out of action a few years so will struggle to find a decent job. And he’s so used to doing nothing will he really do 50% of everything? Half of every school pick up, half the washing, cooking, cleaning. Admin. Half of the time off work when the children are inevitably ill? Half of all the many school holidays? Some do, but not many. And that’s what gets my goat.

However, in this situation, given he does lots round the house already (he sounds very great!) and you have time to volunteer. I would urge you to look for a suitable job. Whilst pointing out what more he would need to do (and pay) for this to happen. He sounds like a good guy and this arrangement is not working for him anymore.

The SAHM crowd here are really starting to sound like anti-suffragist propaganda from the 1910s. SAHM is all fine and good until your Nigel leaves you for Sally in HR. Then, you're joining the ranks of the working Mums, who you resent so much, with no savings and no pension.

I find it really disturbing that so many posters here are trying to give OP with strategies to manipulate her husband to permit her to sit at home all day. I personally don't care about women mooching off men but if that relationship fails for any reason, you're in trouble.

No working woman is jealous of a SAHM for the same reason a tiger isn't jealous of a duck. We pity you.

When you marry, you become 'one flesh' - a team. As a team, you discuss things. So you discuss the very real benefits and pitfalls of being a SAH mum and then come to a joint decision.

This though not the rest of that post

You're happy with your laid back lifestyle, look after the kids, potter about with the housework, give your ego a boost with a bit of volunteering and by being there for friends and family. He's got the short end of the stick, working full time (does he even like his job?) Probably getting home to you prattling about what a nice day you had. And he helps out a lot at home! I think I'm with him, he was alright with it, but he's not anymore. Get a job, even part time, you may enjoy it.

Why is it even desirable. I'm a working mum and do my own cleaning but if I could afford to free up my time and pay someone else a decent wage to do it, damn right I would. And now housework is 'pottering' 😆

That's really isn't my experience at all. It's just as often the man pushing for a family.

And professional men have long actively benefited from the family image even while women were being penalised for having children.

No-one is "halo-polishing".

The OP was trying to claim that was a necessary expense, almost like part of the tax system. Posters are just pointing out that it isn't compulsory. It is a 'nice to have'.

I WOTH for 43 years. I had a cleaner for 8 of those years.

Were those 8 years lovely ? Yes
But clearly, have a cleaner was a wonderful luxury we chose to spend our money on once we could afford it, and not a necessity to be able to hold down a job.
that's what people are pointing out.

I'd have to have the house immaculate to let a cleaner in, so a bit counter productive for me. I would be too embarrassed to let anyone see the mess.

I don’t think we do any woman any favours by claiming it’s easy to work full time with 3 children at school. It’s doable if you have good childcare for after school/family help/ flexible hours/ a supportive husband who does genuinely do 50%. And that is what we should be fighting for and be proud of achieving.

All it takes is a husband that travels for work , expensive childcare, an inflexible job, ill children and it can all come tumbling down. I do think 3 children is more tricky than 2. Many women around here who have 3 do not work as the juggle (especially illness) became too much.

If the OP can achieve the above then yes it’s doable. She could definitely look at part time with such a helpful DH.

yes - I have heard and read about Parkinson’s law. But that doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone. It depends on the individual and on the personal circumstances.

I love how often this comment is on MN. Woman wants kids, probably more than the man in many cases, but when situations like this come up, suddenly it's her massive sacrifice FOR HIM?

No, babies are born 100% for the woman, as men have zero say in whether they are conceived or aborted. Her body, her choice. Staying home to look after said kids, is also her choice, and in countries like America, you don't even get paid maternity. So again, no, staying at home is 100% her choice.

Stop acting like you're having a child for him when it suits you.

I am a working parent. And by that I mean I have a job outside the home. No where in my posts you saw me say that working parents don’t do one thing or the other. My argument was simply that some people find it harder to be a stay at home parent than a working mum. I didn’t say working parents were lazy and their homes were a mess.

That is internalised misogyny that it would reflect badly on you.
Do you start the job before builders come? Or electricians or gardeners?

OK, great. So why is your or anyone else's opinion on the life and very individual realities of a stay at home mum relevant? Because opinions trump facts? I don't need to know details. Making judgements is ok for some but not for others?

It's not ok for me to say, working mums are callous, money grabbing, materialistic, cold, people who must not love their children as much as I do, based on fuck all. But it's my opinion, I am allowed to contribute.

SAHM's are seen as less by some people for various reasons.