DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Wondering if retraining is an option OP? So long term you’d actually earn some decent money and have a career. Rather than a min wage job. Your DH may be happy as he will see your earning potential rise in the future.

Why should he do 50/50 if he’s earning 80 percent of their income?!

You can only be a SAHP if both parties agree. He no longer agrees and isn’t happy to take on the full financial burden of supporting the family for ever. You need to get a job.

Ooh really? Do we divide household tasks based on income versus hours worked? He earns more as she has taken time off to have children.

Happy for others to discuss this? It’s not something I’ve come across…

Also OP says she will be getting a job just above minimum wage (and will probably need to be part time). Then pay for some extra help.

No, OP said after paying for a cleaner she would be making slightly above minimum wage. People are pointing out that a cleaner is a choice (a choice many of us would make, but a choice nevertheless).

However, NMW now means an annual salary of just under £24K for FT work, so it would still boost the family income even after paying wraparound care.

But even if the OP didn't work FT, but did a couple of shifts a week, it would still have an impact on the budget.

I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.

I'm sure they're pleased that you can drop everything and help when needed but that doesn't contribute to your household in any way.

Maybe look for a job, even PT hours and get your friends and family to now help support you if/when need, i'm sure they'll be delighted to help pay back all the support you've given.

I can’t see the ages of the kids, but if all are in primary school, I find it difficult to believe you can’t find something to work around school runs (millions of parents do). Looking after others kids (presume that’s not paid?) is not a reason to stay out of work and I can understand his frustration with that.

I work most of the week, around school runs, keep on top of everything at home and DH works long hours. No family nearby to help. We still always manage to get out and enjoy the weekends (like everyone, we do have to do some of the boring jobs at the weekend but thats normal family life). The majority of working families dont have cleaners either.

Its been said on here alot, but there is also alot to be said for earning your own money. Not only for the obvious reason of a relationship breakdown, but also because the kids grow up extremely quickly and you are probably going to want to have something of your own to focus on. It will be alot harder to go back if you’ve been out of work for 10 years, than 5. I got the first interview I went for after staying at home for the younger years and my employees could totally see the reasons i’d been at home (and were very understanding of my rusty computer skills at first!).

Presuming this is a wind up but if not, you need to get back to work. If DH traded you in for a younger model how on earth would you survive financially?

Not her body though. Baby's body. And it takes 2 to make a child. People shouldn't be allowed to terminate the pregnancy just because they want to.

If your husband did that to you, would you be able to survive? Can you pay your mortgage/rent, childcare, bills, all other costs on your one wage?

Oh please. Soooo over that “mean old society making it harder for women” tripe.

We all have agency. No one is forced to lead any particular lifestyle. Equally the rest of us aren’t obliged to facilitate YOUR lifestyle choices.

I’m happy with my choices and I own them, including the downsides. Not impressed with the women who are constantly griping about theirs.

She could work evenings and weekends when he’s home with the kids, too. Many do.

What is this life admin? I run a house and don’t even notice it so it can’t be that difficult. The OP needs to get a job. She’d be called a cocklodger if she were a man on here

Absolutely, I've never been reliant on my DH financially and have contributed to my own pensions since turning 18. No good comes from being financially reliant on someone else.

Why are you turning this into an abortion debate ? Ridiculous and so off tangent

You still think like that for abortions after rape?Should 13 year old girls be made to continue with a pregnancy after being abused by an uncle for example? If the mother is at risk of death if the pregnancy continues? Medical issues in the foetus?

Because looking after the home and children is split if both patents are working. You don't get to sit on you arse at home just because you make more money while the woman does drop-off and pick-up, and all the household chores, meals, shopping etc.

If the marriage ended, what would you do financially? You would have to get a job then. What did you do pre kids?

@Ayesha yes they should! I don't know why another person's choices affect you. People's mental health are a factor, maybe they can't cope with another child or maybe they simply can't afford another child! It's not really your business either way! It's better than bringing an unwanted child into the world

You are happy with your current arrangement ??
I bet you are! I’m sure your husband would like to help his friends and family too if he wasn’t busy paying for you to do so.
You don’t need a cleaner.

Why do you need a cleaner? What do you think the majority of people do re: cleaning their homes?

This just perpetuates the problem and nothing will change. Women shouldn’t be against women. It shouldn’t be hard for women (and costly) to go back to work if they want to. It should be easier for men to take shared parental leave. Things are changing slowly but other countries do it better.

You are literally proving my point. Saying ‘The rest of us aren’t obliged to facilitate YOUR lifestyle choices’. Do you mean me? Or the OP? As I run my own business so you’re not facilitating anything for me. You just sound bitter.

What strikes me is that you say DH does 50/50 household chores but you only want to get a cleaner when you have to work as well?

I suspect your attitude is part of his problem

So he ends up doing way more?

Jobs that pay better generally take more intellectual effort and are more stressful than part time low wage roles. It’s absurd to say that a corporate executive or airline pilot or surgeon put in the same amount of toilet-scrubbing as their spouse who works 20 hours a week at a shop between school runs.

The way breadwinners are disparaged here is quite telling.

People who choose to drop out of the workforce shouldn’t be facilitated back in at the expense of those who stayed committed to their careers and employers all along. Choices have consequences.