DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

My DSis and I have a business together - we sell candles, wax melts, diffusers (basically home fragrance).

We didn't have the background. I have a law degree and she's a teacher. We both had full time jobs and young children and both of us have husbands deployed overseas. But, guess what? We did it. Because we're not bone idle - unlike OP.

Some men are attracted to ambitious women - well they shouldn’t have children with them then should they!

‘Sacrificed her body’?

OP if your husband ever became unwell and off work sick you would need to get a job.

you have volunteered for charities, can you not see if those charities have paid jobs? The sector has a lot of part time and flexible jobs. There are also fully funded training courses on free courses England.

ultimately, your husband has asked you to work because he needs you to. It sounds like he is getting burned out, it is selfish of you to not even attempt to try and get a job

If your DC are at school (and you dont beed to pay childcare), you help friends/family and volunteer, then you have time to work part-time.

It sounds like it suits you as being a SAHM, volunteering and helping others is now your identity and you dont really want to work.

Your partner is probably thinking long term.

OP I completely stand by you. Your DH shouldn't pressure you into work.

As part of my religion the man is religiously obligated to provide for his spouse. I've been married to DH since 1999 and he's never ever asked me for a single penny. I was a SAHM mum and raised my beautiful children. Now they are grown and I work PT. DH has never asked me for a contribution.

I understand his point about building your savings. It's very important. I never thought about it when I was younger and the kids were little. All of a sudden I'm 50 and my kids are teenagers. I'm thinking about university fees, helping them with rent, saving for retirement etc. I suddenly thought "SHIT, we need to save more!!".
We've always done well on my DH's generous salary and had a little left over each month. However, we don't have much in the way of savings. Your DH is supporting 5 people on one salary when the cost of living is through the roof!! I expect he's not saving as much as he wants. I increased my hours at work specific so we could build our savings. I suggest you do the same.

It's a choice to sacrifice a career, it doesn't have to be that way. Lets also not pretend that she did it for DH's benefit, she did it because she wanted to stay at home.

The thing is with "just MW" and "not worth it" is that you wont pay any or almost any tax due to your personal allowance which is currently going unused. Where as he would have to get a pay rise worth double or even more if he hits the PA cliff to bring home the same amount. And even if not as newsworthy anymore CoL and inflation are both continuing to rise eating away at savings and pensions. So he's right, but...

The question is how will all the domestic and caring responsibilities you currently shoulder be split or outsourced and then if it is still worth it

It’s a high risk strategy only having one wage earner, even if they are a high earner. Things change. People are made redundant, they get sick, they get fed up being the sole wage earner and leave. Any number of things can happen. My advice op is to get a job, part time if you can get it. That way you can still enjoy your volunteer work, but you are also contributing to the household finances. You should also be considering a private pension. The chances of you getting a decent state pension (or even one at all) are remote.

Oh really? What sort of kitchen table businesses are you thinking of - what sectors?

👏 👏
I do all that with a full time, full on job!
Well except for my piddly little 3-bed house, maybe if I had 2 more bedrooms I'd need to give up work (but then who'd pay for it!)

Im the higher earner in our marriage, always have been, DH has a much more flexible/varied career and has had short periods of unemployment due to reorganizations, redundancy - never more than 4- 6 months at a time. Weve always shared the housework equitably, he probably does more of the school runs/clubs type stuff as his job was always more flexible, and whenever he has had a period of unemployment he has been brilliant, took SAHD role to drop childcare costs, while networking and sidehustling all he could to keep things running, keep his mood and routine up - you could not have asked for more and his unemployed periods were always brief.

However- as the main earner, who could reasonably easily support us all during these periods, (with a few minor tweaks), for me it was always a time of extra stress, because the whole now sat solely on my shoulders, and if something went wrong (work accident, unexpected sickness) the entire house of cards would collapse completely without the flexibility and buffer of his employment, and during these times we were also conscious that longer term plans/savings and so on were being set on pause. Until we were 2 incomes again there was always that extra pressure and insecurity, and him finding a new position would be such a celebration and relief.

You may be settled and happy with the pattern now - but need to talk to him and find out what hes feeling and whats going on - it may be hes looking and worrying about changes at his work/industry. And think about how you as a team approach the next stages as your children get older and the demands and pressures in your life change

Do you not have the mental capacity to give that some thought yourself? I’m hardly going to write you a list of my ideas so that you can have a crack at them am I ?

This.

You're comfortable. He's probably stressed with the burden of having to feed 4 mouths.

Get a job and contribute, cost it out, and it works out worse financially then at least you've tried and know what works better.

Do you trust that he's not out to divorce you? Because being a sahm and having a job put you in two very different positions.
Are the savings the real motivating factor? Go to counselling. Your set up has to be right for you both. What's going on in his world.
(I say this as someone who reluctantly stayed a sahm and wrecked my mental health.)

I worked full time with 3 children - my husband did half the school runs, sick days, laundry, cooking. It wouldn't have worked otherwise. We didn't see much additional income into the house because of childcare but I had 8 years extra pension contributions, 8 years extra experience. Now they are teenagers, this has been a significant benefit and I have a really decent well paid job that I love. Good job really with uni fees looming on the horizon

I never know what these ardous life admin tasks are that require people to be at home full time and seemingly take hours to do a week. Do people not pay their bills by direct debit? Insurance policies automatically renew each year and even then it only takes 10 mins to search for a new policy through a comparison website and appointments literally take minutes to do my phone or email.

I can understand if your child has SEN or medical concerns but the vast majority of people, life admin should not be something that is an excuse not to work.

Being a SAHM with school age children (apart from the exceptions above) is different from doing it with under 5s. Me and my husband both work, so did my parents and so do all my friends who have kids and growing up too. None of us lived in filthy, falling apart houses. None us succumbed to ill health or scurvy because our parents couldn't feed us a healthy diet. They weren't bailiffs at the door or things being repossessed because no-one could keep up with admin and these were the days before smart phones and online banking.

There has been no suggestion anywhere that the husband isn't willing to step up to help more. Being a SAHM has to work for the whole family and if the husband isn't happy then it is only reasonable that a mature couple can have a conversation about how to resolve this. If the OP has time to be helping friends and volunteering then surely she has time to work. Surely the financial and long term security of the family is more important than volunteering or being on hand to help friends.

I'd say it depends how old your kids are and whether your DH will pull his weight when the kids are on school holidays and off sick.
It is a juggle working when you have school-age kids. I worked p/t from when my youngest started Reception. Never gone back full time (most I did was 4 days in a term-time only role when DCs were in secondary but I got home at 4.45 after DCs so they had to be of an age where they could let themselves in -they were 12 and 14).
I was still the main 'carer' for them in the holidays etc and used holiday clubs and organised reciprocal playdates. Unf I have some health issues now and it would be hard to go back f/t so that ship has probably sailed in my case.
We've had a cleaner for most of the time when we've had DCs - we can afford it and DH doesn't like cleaning on the weekends (he has a busy and stressful job) so we pay for it. If you can afford it, it's worth it imho.

I'm not going to steal your ideas - I've already got a good job! But I'd be surprised if your assertion that "most kitchen table businesses turn over £50k-£80k in their second year" stands up. So go on, surprise me?

Whereas @Zone2NorthLondons' behaviour on this thread has been impeccable?! Come on.

Exactly! I'd be interested to know too.

I feel I should mention at this stage, it’s not just you and I in this chat 😳

The halo-polishing from working mums on this thread re doing their own cleaning is so amusing. I mean, if running a household while working full time is such a breeze, why is the fact that you do your own cleaning even worth mentioning? 🤔