DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

This “you’re jealous because you have to work” trope is the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of critical thinking and respectful debate. Breathtakingly toxic, spiteful and simplistic.

It may surprise you to know its perfectly possible and even normal to be critical of another person’s behaviour or lifestyle without being jealous of it.

For example: people who criticize other people’s politics are not usually doing so out of jealousy. If I tell people I disagree with people who vote Reform (for example), it doesn’t denote that I am envious of them for doing so. It’s pretty disturbing that so many people have a hard time understanding this.

It’s a concept you may want to try to get your head around at some point before you berate others for not being like you.

When you marry, you become 'one flesh' - a team. As a team, you discuss things. So you discuss the very real benefits and pitfalls of being a SAH mum and then come to a joint decision. I've not read the whole thread, but can I add that if you can afford to stay home, only boring people get bored. Every single charity would love your (unpaid) skills. And working unpaid for a charity (if you can afford to do it!) can make use of skills at every level to benefit society as a whole. We are more than individuals - we are part of humanity - and one thing that has gradually been eroded is our sense of being part of a wider community. Never be ashamed of being a SAH mum. It should be viewed as an unpaid job - just a different job.

@Thepeopleversuswork (at 9.53.) Hmmm, you go all the way through the thread, and hundreds of posts before and after mine here, and just pull that one comment out of mine to attack it. How interesting. 🤔

THAT comment of mine - that you carefully selected, and reposted, is totally taken out of context. It is aimed at working mums/working women who come out with spiteful demeaning comments about stay at home mums, and take nasty little snipes at them, like they are freeloading scroungers, and bone idle layabouts. IT IS NOT AIMED AT ALL WORKING MUMS/WORKING WOMEN.

But you knew that didn't you?

As this thread was clearly designed to be goady and have women sniping at each other, I'm not wasting any more time on it.

Enjoy your day, and your cherrypicking. I'm done on this thread, so don't waste your sweet time responding to me. 😎

I have always been a working mum myself by the way, (part time since I had children but still a working mum, so why the fuck would I attack ALL working mums/working women... ?! It's clearly just the spiteful ones I am referring to, who make nasty comments about stay at home mums! As I said, you knew that though!)

Of course it is. It's only beneficial when everyone is happy with the setup and agrees to it.

OP can't expect DH to keep solely financially providing if he's no longer happy to do so.

why can't you explain a bit more?

what work did you do before you had kids?

what will you do when they are older and don't need you so much?

If your children are at school you will have at least 6 hours a day to fill.
That isn't all shopping, cooking and cleaning.

Err yes it did “happen” unless I am living in an alternate universe and have actually imagined my whole life🙄.

I was a solicitor and set up on my own after 7 years out and it’s taken off.

He’s required to support his kids. He’s not required to support an adult who is trying to stretch routine housework into a full time job.

wholeheartedly agree

Exactly.

She can’t freeload forever.

Totally agree. You sound horrible op. You need to contribute financially now rather than fannying around volunteering. Plenty of people manage to clean around full time work too so a cleaner is not necessary either if it's not finally viable

I was a SAHM for 5 years until my youngest went to school - husband was a prick the entire time and resented everything he did in the home. So glad I went back to work!!

The op was very rude. Totally unnecessary

Just get a job, why are you freeloading?

To be fair setting up a one person practionner law firm is different. Skills are needed to create these businesses and the OP doesn’t have a background to fall back on

Seems logical that you earn a wage too. I would feel aggreived if roles were reversed.
oh yes I divorced the bastard
Obviously you will drop certain care giving roles due to time restraints and need to employ 3rd parties to pick up the slack. Just see how that suits the whole family.

If he works and does his fair share around the house no wonder he’s increasingly unhappy with the current set up.

It may not even be that he’s resentful, he might legitimately be growing tired of pulling most of the weight and just wants a hand.

It’s not the same at all but I’m a SP and out of nowhere I started feeling really tired and like I can’t keep up my workload much longer. As most of the household responsibility rests on his shoulders I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s starting to feel burnt out.

I don't think that poster actually referred to the business until later though and the op was scathing even without knowing this

Best to start applying for jobs! If your DH is not happy it makes sense to do so, and even if you don’t earn much it can ease the burden. I was a SAHM for some time and while I enjoyed it and it was fab for the kids, it is important for children to see you working and utilising your own skills to make something of yourself. Also it might only be 1.5 K but it would help to pay some bills and just lighten the load on DH. I am sure when you met you were both working and independent, maybe he misses that side of you. Some men are attracted to ambitious women and find it very unattractive when their partner is just sat at home even if they are doing a lot of house work and childcare.

This has turned into some kind of culture war between SAHP and working parents. But it doesn't have to be that way! It's not such a stark binary.

There's an intermediate period where the kids are old enough not to need 24/7 care, but still need enough that providing it becomes a "juggle" when both parents are working full time. Of course many couples do manage this juggle. (PP above likened it to a military operation.)

But a lot of women use that intermediate time as a chance to get ready to go back into the workforce. They take courses, they acquire new skills, they research new career options, they beef up their CV with part time work - all stuff they can fit around childcare/domestic work. Once my DCs were both in school, I set up my own little business that I worked on between 9.30 and 2.55pm every day. It never made much money, about £12k a year. I ditched it as soon as the kids were old enough to look after themselves and I got better work - it was a halfway house.

What I'm saying is, it's too simplistic to divide women into two groups, grafters and freeloaders. Our situation is pretty complex, with so many responsibilities, and lots of women are making the best of it in innovative ways.

Schools in my area are always looking for staff.

Which is why she’s taking a swipe at those who do.

But actually, most men earn around 50 to 80,000 a year at best
And most kitchen table businesses could turn that over in their second year. Not paying PAYE would close the gap between the two very quickly in terms of actual cash in the pocket.

Who the fuck wants to work in a school?
You’ve got your own children to look after and then all day looking after other people‘s children wiping their arses by all accounts spoon feeding them yoghurts at the age of 12 no thank you

That’s your prerogative. Not everyone hates children. There are other jobs which would work around school hours. Op would be able to get a job which fits around the children, if she wanted to.

She’s sacrificed her body and career to provide a family to this man - wtaf - caring for your kids ins t freeloading you lr internalised misogyny is astounding although I suspect you are a MRA