DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I would be worried about the future if I hadn’t worked. What will you do in retirement? I wore about mine and DH’s pensions and we have been paying into one since 21 and will have a two pension household. Maybe your DH is wondering how he can fund a household in retirement on one pension?

It doesn't work like that. If OP works full-time, even if her salary is much less than her DH's, that doesn't mean that she needs to make up for the difference by doing more housework/cooking/childcare. If they both work full-time, chores/childcare should be 50/50.

Low paid jobs can be just as tiring as high paid ones.

But she says she'll be on minimum wage so unlikely to have skills to set something up.

I think this is it. He works, and he does stuff round the house. He’s fair to wonder if you’re pulling your weight or just flimsying around.

Tbh OP, it sounds like if he’s working and doing his fair share around the house then he’s finally twigged you’re a bit bone idle. It’s not about how much money you’re bringing in, it’s about being lazy. Your husband contributes financially and does his equal share of chores…and you do half the chores. So really…

We both work full time and have two kids, we don't have a cleaner or any other helo but we do 50 percent share of everything else, cooking, cleaning, school runs.
You have three kids and I know plenty of people that work and have three kids., it is easier if you can work say a 4 day week or shorter days then take on more of the house stuff
I would look at:
What are your caring duties to your family?
Are your children school age?
What are you trained or skilked in and what salary could you expect?
Would your husband take on his share Of the house duties if you went back?

I cannot belive people still believe that fulfilling my responsibility as a parent and putting food on the table for my children isn’t parenting. Worse, that some women genuinely belive the husbands financially supporting an entire family aren’t ‘parenting’. Have you said this to your husband? Have you revealed your contempt for this basic function of parenting?

If feeding clothing and sheltering my children isn’t one of my fundamental responsibilities as a parent…..whose responsibility is it?

Exactly how responsibilities are split depends on each family but to think that financially providing for a child isn’t being a parent is absolutely laughable.

Maybe give up volunteering in the place of work

Of course you're happy with the current arrangement, you're not actually doing that much. Your kids are in school, your husband does a fair amount around the house as well as bringing in all the finances, and you just do the school runs and the odd errand to help friends and family and a bit of volunteering. You've got a cushy little number! Most women work full time, still do school runs and housework, and help friends and family out as well. Without the help of a cleaner! Nobody WANTS to work, but it's kind of a must these days. And I can see why your husband wouldn't want the full financial burden to lie on him when you could at least be adding something to your savings.

Some women do manage to create successful businesses.

You should get a job. Both parents have a financial responsibility to their children. You are also vulnerable if your marriage breaks down.

If you dont want to work for minimum wage get some training to get a better paid job. If you are not academic learn a trade.

It's not really just about the fact that you would earn just above minimum wage now. If you don't get into work soon, you are likely to never increase your potential beyond that level. Staying out of a work for a long time is a very bad idea for women, especially if it could increase your DH's resentment at being the sole breadwinner. You are making yourself vulnerable by not being open to his suggestion.
I stayed out of work for 18 months when ds was little and it took me 7 years to get back to previous earning potential. I was over 40 at the time and earning well, and obviously these days you could go back into the same job after just a year, but it's a relevant comparison to you because you are not on maternal leave.
You need a clear commitment from him about what share of household/childcare duties he will share with you if you return to work though.

Neither of you are unreasonable but without the ages of your children, details of your caring duties and at least some financial detail it is hard to say which 'side' I lean towards.

Financially, I would definitely want to be reassured that as a couple were were on track to have a decent standard of living in retirement (without your DH having to work FT until 68+) and enough money to support three children into adulthood (which is very, very expensive these days) before even considering staying as a SAHM once my youngest was at school.

I think it depends on the jobs. We both work full time but everyone is home by 5. We pay £40 a week for a cleaner, £50 a month for a gardener and batch cook from scratch on a Sunday, both help and it takes about an hour for the week. Plenty time for clubs, homework, quality time and both are contributing. If you are in a job with a commute and you are out 8-8 though I can see why these things would happen.

As the unwaged partner who takes and doesn’t financially contribute op is in no position to set ultimatum to her husband about what he should do
OP need to get a job and stop faffing and stretching out her day with tasks that fill her day.
contribute instead of taking

I’m not surprised he is fed up. You have not said the age of the children. Lots of people use after school club so maybe you could look into that?

Then pops back to post a couple of small posts - one very goady (not believing something a poster said.)

This thread was designed to not just create a debate, but to get women sniping at one another. Working mums don't care about their children - farming them out to childminders and nurseries, stay at home mums are lazy grabby individuals who are laughably innsecure and will end up penniless and barefoot and homeless when their husband leaves them - which he will of course. blah blah blah....

These threads ALWAYS descend into arguments and vitriol and hate and spite. Hardly any balanced views, and everyone thinking they're right.

Good job @Missedp 👏

How old are dc ? Obv 1 or more 5/ at school

yes you can get a job

and clean own home as well

or get a job and pay for childcare /cleaner and earn /take home the same as nmw as you mention - which is £80/100 a day so def earning /contributing

H isn’t at all U not to be willing to be the sole earner anymore.

He would be U if he didn’t recognise the damage to your current earning ability caused by the break in paid work and do things to support you in returning to and retaining work with prospects.

Bluntly op. It’s been my experience that this request is often a first port of call from men who are generally unhappy in their relationship and thinking down the road to if they separate. They often wish their partner to be working so they have some ways of supporting themselves . Of course you would like to continue as you are but you absolutely need to have a partner on board with it while yours isint . You are also leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable if you ever do separate .

Maybe he’s been looking to the future at what your costs might be. In a few years you may well have three children at university, and the costs associated with that are huge. Building a financial cushion now is a sensible option, especially if you currently have enough time to volunteer and help out friends. Life throws us unexpected problems - redundancy, illness. It doesn’t take long to go from “financially comfortable with spare cash each month” to “living in a house that I can’t afford the mortgage for, but can’t downsize because I have three kids.”

Of course he is unhappy he is carrying a burden and you are happy with the way it is

start small - midday supervisor to get in at a school to see if there are admin jobs

it is about to be exam time - invigilator are often needed (though tricky with primary school children)

quite a few of the charity shops do actually take on paid people alongside volunteers look at that

Yep, my side gig ended up meaning DH could retire from his "bigger job".

I've never earnt much working, so you have to be creative.

You do sound a bit indignant about being expected to work, it's not the 1950s anymore where being fragrant is enough.

That's not really how it works. They're a family unit, they are his kids. Often it's beneficial all round to have someone at home dealing with that side of things.

I do all of the above, chair Board of Governors, PTA secretary, cook and clean, school runs, look after elderly parent, and still find time to work 40 hours running my own business. It really is do-able.

Unnecessarily rude. A friend started his business in his bedroom right before he moved out of his parents’ house. He sold his company for over a million some years later. It’s possible.