DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

She can't - she has no means of supporting herself!

I would have hugely resented it if my DH had been a SAHD while I had to carry the responsibility of family finances! I think he would have too, and I wouldn't have blamed him,

@Missedp (if you ever return to the thread) you need to take what your DH is saying seriously. He's not happy with the status quo. Was it a joint decision for you to SAH, or did you pretty much decide just to do it?

If your DC are in school, it's time to review things again. An equal distribution of family responsibilities and chores needs to ensue!

The loser is the slacker who doesn’t earn and who disingenuously stretches ordinary housework, which we all do, to fill the hours she could spend earning a paycheque and pension.

If she’s not earning equivalent salary to him, which will be a challenge after many years out of the workforce, she’ll have to make up the difference in housework. He can’t be expected to do 50/50 if he’s earning 80 percent of their income.

Women's only role in life is raising children and doing housework it seems

I agree.

You could find a part time job, op. I always worked, part time for several years before going ft. I was certainly worth it financially and very good for me in other ways. We managed to afford a cleaner, fortnightly, and many other things and I was no high flyer. We gave a lot of help to elderly relatives too. I'd have hated not to work. We're not in the 1950s.

Jesus! I would feel so indignant if I still had to slave away for minimum wage if my husband had that kind of wealth… Does she love waitressing? Surely she could be doing something she loves if she doesn’t

Err, why ever not? It's the hours that matter, not the pay.

So do I.

Absolutely you should go to work.
if:
he’s happy to do absolutely 50/50 on everything

• mental load

-cleaning -shopping laundry birthday parties gifting/cards dentists doctors pick ups drop offs etc ask him how he plans to figure this into his work life balance and take it from there. absolutely fair to ask you to step up outside the home if he’s willing to step up inside the home otherwise LTB

Parkinson's Law: work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Most of the posters on here who are in the "YABU" camp are not saying that being a SAHM isn't worthwhile (I'll grant that a few are, but most aren't), but pointing out that being a SAHM works when both partners are on board, but pointing out that now the partner who is financially supporting the household is showing that they aren't happy, that there is a real risk that OP may find themselves separated and having to try to find a job as a single parent without the cushion that they have now, or survive on a significantly reduced wage. They are recommending that when your partner is indicating that they are unhappy with things, refusing to listen or attempt any change is not likely to improve the situation.

Many people have made a sensible suggestion of looking for LTFT work as a compromise, and lots of people have coommented that OP working will mean that OP's husband will have to pick up some of the household stuff that OP is now doing.

Being a SAHM might or might not be hard work, depending on the specific situation, but it lacks some of the major characteristics of a job:

you don't get a salary paid into your bank account every month

you can't join a union to press for better working conditions. If you have a dispute with your employer, nobody is there to back you up

if you get fed up with your working conditions, you can't give a month's notice and go and be a SAHM in a different household where the appliances are more reliable/floors are easier to clean/children are more manageable

if you decide to look for paid employment, your time as a SAHM will not count as relevant experience, however good you were in the role.

Working alongside children brings a lot of stress. Having two working parents, especially if full-time, is an additional thing for the family to manage and then has to be balanced against caring responsibilities for the children.

Of course many people do it (full disclosure, I work part-time with one school age and a toddler), but where it gets really unfair is if one partner has to do all the balancing and deal with all the sick days, holidays and household chores, while the other partner is able to focus solely on work.

I agree that it is not fair for one partner to expect the other to be solely financially responsible for the family. Also, you're in a very vulnerable position if your husband doesn't appreciate your contribution to the family, and getting back to work could be a good thing in terms of starting to rebuild some economic independence.

But there is clearly a conversation to be had here able how responsibility for the kids and house will be shared if you're back at work, and how he's planning to contribute to ease your way back to work. I might suggest putting in place and trialling a new schedule in advance before you both commit to losing the convenience of having a parent always available.

Two people need to agree to have a SAHM. You can't just expect someone to financially provide for you forever.

You have been very clear and vocal about your opinions on SAHM's.

I just wonder if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions about your life.

How many children do you have?
How much maternity leave did you take?
How old are you now?
How much do you earn?
Do you have a partner?
How much do you earn/joint income?
Do you have family support?
Did your family do any free childcare?
What jobs did your parents do when you where young?
Have you ever had an inheritance or been gifted any substantial about of money?
Do you own your own house?
Do you drive?

You make alot of assumptions and judgments about SAHM's. I just wondered if you would like to give us the same opportunity to judge you? . We will weigh up if your life is productive enough.

Pretty bamboozled why you think having a cleaner come round and clean your house for you is guaranteed if you start doing 30 hours a week on the tills in Iceland?
Believe it or not, two working adults can also maintain and keep a house clean.
My great Aunty Beryl would be spinning at 70kmph in her grave if she knew that you were perfectly capable of housework after 6 hours graft in Iceland but instead was going to pay someone else to come round, fluff your pillows, do your dishes, dust your mantelpiece and scrub your skid marks for you.
RIP Aunty Beryl you were a real one ☝️

Zone2NorthLondon

A few more I forgot

Do you have a cleaner/ paid help at home?

How many hours a week do you work?

If you have a partner, how do you spilt the chores? Bigger jobs?

Do you volunteer?

Do you help family/ friends with childcare?

Care for an elderly relative?

I think if your partner is asking you to contribute financially you need to listen and understand why. As a twice divorced mum I have been thankful I kept my foot in the job market. You can never tell what life is going to serve up to you and as a SAHM you are financially vulnerable. I would however expect partner to be sharing in the household cleaning/admin. What plans did you have long term about returning to work when the children are independent?

To show her that she won´t be stuck with a second shift when she does get a job. There are too many men who demand their female partners work, but still don´t pull their weight when it comes to childcare and household duties.

A lot of women either burn out or go part-time or become SAHM's because all their partners do is take, but won't give.

This

Is he going to do school runs? Supermarket shop? Care for kids in school holidays by himself?

See I don’t really get this attitude. Even if I had a very rich husband I’d rather work part time for minimum wage just to get out of the house and meet other adults and have a little bit of independence

À side note - but your partner shouldve paid into your pension during this time. Its outrageous that you literally gave up paying into your pension to look after the children.. he should’ve made those contributions at that time

You are giving a lot to others which is admirable but it is at the expense of your husband.

If you can volunteer, why not work? You could work for a charity or a good cause and earn some money whilst doing it, reducing the pressure on your husband.

Is this really about all of the good you do for others, or is it about you not really wanting to commit to being employed? (Understandable after a long time of not working, but I think you need to acknowledge if that's the case and not be in denial about your reasons).

It's great to help other people and a luxury to have the time and ability to do so - but your DH is obviously feeling some pressure and is basically funding this for other people.

Plus you have 3 children so having more savings is only going to be a good thing.

Come off it. It's about time, not income.

If someone is in a high flying, highly paid job, and spends one day a week earning 80% of the household income, that doesn't mean they get to laze around doing nothing for the rest of the week whilst the other works their butt off because they're on minimum wage and it takes them longer to earn the equivalent money.

It's how many days/ hours they are each spending at work proportionate to what they can each do and their energy levels (for example my husband has chronic fatigue so would have a lighter load anyway).

The idea is to support one another and each have a fair proportion of work - equity doesn't always look like an exact 50/50 split.