DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Personally I think you miss out on so much if you don't have the satisfaction of a meaningful job. It rounds you out as a person and as your children get older, will give them perspective about the world of work. Do you feel you are a good role model to your children by staying at home all the time and avoiding the workplace? Work gives you self-esteem, autonomy, friends, satisfaction and meaning. Not to mention financial independence of a decent pension in retirement so not only are you able to contribute to your household, but you have your own money to enjoy as well.

Your husband is telling you something - he's not happy for sure. I would do some serious thinking if I were you - your blissful life could come crashing down around your ears - there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Excellent post, I concur

Being a SAHM only works if both partners are he happy with the arrangement. I personally think it works much better if it’s affordable to have one parent at home, and most likely if you were to get a job your DH would very quickly notice the difference at home. I think you need to have a very honest conversation about how you feel, because ultimately it’s unworkable if you can’t come to an agreement that works for you both. Maybe you could try part time?

It means being able to have own income etc , not being forced into a particular role.

No I won’t change my mind - in that you are correct. But I’m not here for the argument in the same way as you - I find your posts aggressive and dismissive of other people’s experiences. It might not be your intention but that’s how they came across to me. Calling something a myth - that I found so hard to manage and be happy within myself maybe did strike a nerve. I am happier working that’s my experience - but that doesn’t mean that it’s all experiences. My mother in law raised 4 kids as a stay at home mum and found it incredibly busy and challenging but she was also at her happiest. So everyone is different and find things different - that’s what I think you don’t account for. You think that working is harder period and no other experience can be valid. Whilst that is clearly true for you doesn’t mean it’s true for all. And with that I hope you have a lovely evening

I really don’t understand this. While I agree she needs to be cautious and respect her husbands suggestion, to assume SAHM doesn’t give you self-esteem, autonomy, friends, satisfaction and meaning is absurd! As is the suggestion that raising your children and looking after the home and all that comes with it is a “free lunch”.

For vast majority income is derived from working. Unless you’re wealthy and have an allowance. If your only income is a partners wage,then you’re in a v precarious position. Not earning and financially dependent is a unstable position

Well I can see why he might not want the pressure of being the sole earner. Or maybe he’s one of those men I read about who thinks their wife is lazy because she doesn’t “work” when actually she does a million jobs every day to facilitate his life, eg all the housework, child rearing, life admin etc.

Ask him if he is going to do 50% of school runs, washing, cooking, cleaning, reading books after school, assemblies, staying home when kids are off school ill /school holidays etc etc etc. if you go back to work. Because you can’t be expected to carry on doing all this AND work so he’ll have to put in a lot more time and effort in terms of home/family life.

You’re most definitely arguing and you’re protesting right now
I don’t care for critical and patronising your tone either. Let’s not pretend that you’re neutrally being balanced whilst you endure my mean spirited posts
Pull the other one. You’re here for the argument and I think you like it
Lovely evening to both of us

Strangely my husband requires a cleaner four hours a week despite not having a job.

@Zone2NorthLondon oh my goodness me! My tone was not intended to be patronising - but neutral. I think stating that we should consider that people feel differently than we do and their experiences are their own and we should not assume is the definition of neutral! And if it isn’t it should be! 😂. I do like arguing in the sense of knowing other peoples point of view that is true.

I'm speaking from personal experience here - I was a stay at home mum for five years. I definitely lost a lot of confidence during that time, having previously been working in a fulfilling, demanding job. I was much happier once I returned to the workplace. Also these days surely most of one's peer group are out working, so not available for socialising during the day? Certainly that's the case for my grown up daughter and her friends.

Anyway each to their own, but my lifelong friends were made through work and I'm happy not to have to rely on my lovely, generous husband for every little thing in my very happy life! Coasting along, not stretching yourself is not for everyone you know.

Of course you’re neutral. Not arguing in anyway @Ph3
Not repeatedly and promptly responding to my posts
No, you’re just cruising, casual like. Not liking it all all. Not participating. No siree

I don't disagree. Countless posts on MN of women who are SAHM/work PT in low paying jobs in awful situations at home with their DH's are proof.

And time for the husband to arrange childcare, take over 50% of running and tidying the household and cooking meals, helping with homework.
Oh and if the DC are ill he will obviously need to take 50% of the time off work to look after them.

Hmm.
OP chucks out a goady opening post then leaves........

Just as I'm confused that people are still referring to it as 'living off' their DH in this day and age. Why do people still believe that it's only the person who is the SAH who benefits?

If you can't or won't see the value to the 'working' partner of not having to obstruct their career or day to day operations because they never have to factor in childcare or the humdrum of basic family life then you're a fool. Of course it's valuable, especially to men.

The barr is so low for some women. Imagine asking the mother of your three kids to also work (whilst presumably remaining the primary caregiver, let's face it) when she doesn't have to because you're making plenty.

What a loser.

Tell him he will have to do equal childcare, housework and relative caretaking then. See how quick he backtracks.

Honestly I'd drop him like a shitty stick.

Sorry why especially valuable for men? I can imagine that it would make my life a lot smoother if my DH did all the housework and child caring - but why would this be increased if I happened to be a man?

I would've loved to remain SAHM, but, once my DC were in school I couldn't justify it. I also needed to start adding to my pension account again. It has made a difference financially, even though my wage is low.

I am on more equal footing at home. DH has had to step up. I realised just how little he did & I think that was partially resentment. He came & went as he pleased & slept in, no cooking etc. That is no longer the case. He's now doing more & more as I'm refusing. I have more power to demand equality again.

In the end what really pushed me was seeing my DM, a career SAHM who had a lovely time (and very little parenting). She complains they have no money, and how unfair it is her DSis can travel (because she worked too). I realised they'd be well off of she'd have contributed. Working sucks, but has long term benefits.

He is fair to ask. You are fair to ask he shares the school runs, cleaning, child care etc in return.

Could you not just divorce him OP @Missedp

@Missedp Look regardless of all the arguing on here, you have a choice.

You can listen to him and consider other options than staying as you are, or you can dig your heels in and refuse to change anything.

He however also has a choice. He can stay or leave. And given that he has the job and the money, his choice is easier than yours.

So how far are you prepared to dig your heels in? Because without compromise, you are looking at a future that has you fully supporting your home, kids and yourself on your "not much more than minimum wage" job.

I am really hoping that this is ironic

My advice would be to find a job and contribute financially, you can work part time around school hours, it’s not impossible. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband rather than just refusing.

My ex refused to go back to work when both kids were in school full-time as he “too busy picking my coffee cups”, I realised I couldn’t afford to carry him financially into retirement and we ended up separating (there were other reasons too but the not working was a big part of this)

Working isn’t that bad, and I agree that it gives you a sense of purpose outside the home.