Page 15 | DH wants me to get a job

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2025 23:03

ilovesushi · 25/04/2025 22:54

If you can afford to live well on one income, I don't see why he is putting pressure on you to work. Sounds like it suits you and your family as a whole, and your kids are happy and in a great routine. I went back to work when my oldest was 6 and it was HARD. I continued to be the one carrying all the mental load of shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, school related stuff, extra curricula related stuff, birthday parties, haircuts, dentist, hospital appointments, swimming lessons etc etc etc plus working full time. Some evenings were like a military operation organising complex and clashing pick ups and drop offs with childminder, mum friends and my own mum.

I know that is the reality for a lot of woman, but if you don't have to do it and don't want to do it, then don't. Go back to work when they are a bit older and you are ready. My youngest was quite little when I went back and she found it hard initially. Luckily I was able to find a fantastic childminder who came to our home. Work out your costs. Childcare is expensive. Your house will not run in the same way when you are working. I suspect your DH doesn't see and appreciate all you do at the moment.

But the issue there wasnt that being a working single mum is hard (done it, doing it, it fucking sucks). It was that your DH did fuck all and you not demanding that he pulls his weight.

Why was all of that on you? Why wasnt the juggling of pick ups and drop offs done between you?

If his job made it impossible (I have a friend who is a part time single mother, her husband is RAF and often deployed for months on end) then either he chooses between your financial contribution OR you choose between losing your career or keeping it and doing it all.

If he simply refused then what did you do to change, or at least try to change that? did you simply suck it up and do it all?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/04/2025 23:05

namechangeGOT · 25/04/2025 23:00

I suspect that after she’s dropped her kids off at school, done a single load of washing and fucked off round to help her family and friends, she forgets to appreciate all her husband is doing to allow her to do that.

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Well, that's a shitty thing to say.

ColdLittleHeart · 25/04/2025 23:05

I’m a SAHM, although they’re both nearly at secondary now! It’s been a huge privilege and I’ll always be grateful I had the choice. My DH is a high earner and works overseas. It’s right for our family and is discussed regularly to ensure we’re both still happy with the arrangement. He wouldn’t want me to feel stuck at home and I wouldn’t want him to feel stressed out being the sole earner.

It has to be a joint decision or it won’t work and one of you will end up resentful.
I think it’s only fair you start looking for some part time work but your DH will have to shoulder some of the extra burden of covering the school runs, sick days and school holidays.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 25/04/2025 23:05

Factor in the cost of a cleaner for me. Us mere mortals work full time, and clean the house.

TheHerboriste · 25/04/2025 23:05

Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/04/2025 23:03

I have spoken with many mums working outside the home saying they feel like failures on some level about something family/dc related constantly.
I've worked with mums always tired, using up annual leave for dc illness, late for work due to crisis at home, dragging themselves to work after being up with poorly dc all night etc... caring for family is hard. Working is hard. But, it's not a competition. And no one regrets missed days at work on their death bed, but there's always regret about missed family time.

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And many regret the lifelong burden of being the sole breadwinner to an adult dependent.

Zone2NorthLondon · 25/04/2025 23:05

Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/04/2025 23:03

I have spoken with many mums working outside the home saying they feel like failures on some level about something family/dc related constantly.
I've worked with mums always tired, using up annual leave for dc illness, late for work due to crisis at home, dragging themselves to work after being up with poorly dc all night etc... caring for family is hard. Working is hard. But, it's not a competition. And no one regrets missed days at work on their death bed, but there's always regret about missed family time.

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I'm proud of my role,my career my contribution
Deathbed? I’ll recall a challenging career that I love and won’t regret a minute of it
Deathbed I’ll not be thinking, oh wish I’d done more life admin

ilovesushi · 25/04/2025 23:06

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2025 23:03

But the issue there wasnt that being a working single mum is hard (done it, doing it, it fucking sucks). It was that your DH did fuck all and you not demanding that he pulls his weight.

Why was all of that on you? Why wasnt the juggling of pick ups and drop offs done between you?

If his job made it impossible (I have a friend who is a part time single mother, her husband is RAF and often deployed for months on end) then either he chooses between your financial contribution OR you choose between losing your career or keeping it and doing it all.

If he simply refused then what did you do to change, or at least try to change that? did you simply suck it up and do it all?

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He was working away a lot, so in practical terms it fell to me, not because he was rubbish.

TheHerboriste · 25/04/2025 23:08

WhatsOpp · 25/04/2025 22:58

Hate to break it to you but I’m a high earner which means I have arguably more flex to do all the things you describe - and it’s shared. It’s not “invaluable” to me. No single person is doing that in my household and how do people manage when it’s 2 working?

Some women like to think no high earning job could possibly offer this. Wrong. It’s because your DH either hasn’t asked for it or it’s a way some (not all) females justify being SAHM.

I will reiterate being a SAHM is a great thing and when it works for the family - great. What’s happened here is partner is saying it’s no longer working for him. And half of MN is deaf to it.

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I just don’t understand the absolute gall of expecting to be financially supported by someone who doesn’t want to do so.

TheHerboriste · 25/04/2025 23:09

ilovesushi · 25/04/2025 22:54

If you can afford to live well on one income, I don't see why he is putting pressure on you to work. Sounds like it suits you and your family as a whole, and your kids are happy and in a great routine. I went back to work when my oldest was 6 and it was HARD. I continued to be the one carrying all the mental load of shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, school related stuff, extra curricula related stuff, birthday parties, haircuts, dentist, hospital appointments, swimming lessons etc etc etc plus working full time. Some evenings were like a military operation organising complex and clashing pick ups and drop offs with childminder, mum friends and my own mum.

I know that is the reality for a lot of woman, but if you don't have to do it and don't want to do it, then don't. Go back to work when they are a bit older and you are ready. My youngest was quite little when I went back and she found it hard initially. Luckily I was able to find a fantastic childminder who came to our home. Work out your costs. Childcare is expensive. Your house will not run in the same way when you are working. I suspect your DH doesn't see and appreciate all you do at the moment.

Most of the claptrap you list isn’t necessary.

Why should he support her?

Ph3 · 25/04/2025 23:09

RedSkyDelights · 25/04/2025 22:59

Activities fit the time available. you had probably somewhere in the region of 25-30 hours a week when the children were at school outside of the school run.
of your list packed lunches and evening meal would be outside of that time. Food shop is once a week and about an hour, say, two maximum.
So you spent 25-30 hours a week doing admin, cleaning and ironing because you could and wanted to. If you had to work for financial reasons, you would miraculously fit the admin into a lunch break and the bullk of the cleaning into half an hour every evening and a bit of a blitz on a weekend and decide only to iron a few things. And of course once your children get older they can help with jobs too - so they can strip and remake their own bed, for example.

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Of course I could. I could forgo ironing and cleaning skirting boards and other things. But I don’t want to. For me that’s having a dirty house. For me - not for others - I don’t judge what other people do! But as a working parent there is also things you can skip - my point is not every one that is a stay at home mum has free time to lounge out of choice or not. I did it for the reasons above and my mental health I hate being idle and I was really dying inside. I went back to work but I had a supportive partner. Also packed lunches and dinner were prepped during school hours not outside because once kids were home I had to get them showered and sit with them for homework and 11+ prep (which almost killed Me😂)

ruethewhirl · 25/04/2025 23:11

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2025 22:49

Listen I am a 52 year old feminist who fights to the point of losing people. Including, sady, last weekend. I lost my DD to the TRA's. She wants nothing to do with me unless I totally change my views. Yes I am GC.

But you are not doing yourself, or indeed any of us, any favours.

This kind of comment is exactly the sort of crap that the haters pull out against us. And who can blame them when we hand them such an easy weapon by fighting amongst ourselves?

You are alienating the very women who would stand beside and behind you, expcept that you are pushing them away claiming that only you truly understands feminism. That only your vision of feminism is the right one.

In your own way, you are as bad as the TRA's and the haters.

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Hear hear.

Annialisting · 25/04/2025 23:12

As a single parent, I worked, looked after three children and cleaned the house. I’m not looking for a medal, I just did it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2025 23:13

ilovesushi · 25/04/2025 23:06

He was working away a lot, so in practical terms it fell to me, not because he was rubbish.

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OK, I do get that. So did he put pressure on you to go back when your life would be so hard?

adviceneeded1990 · 25/04/2025 23:13

Being a SAHP, male or female, is only sustainable for as long as it works for both parties. He’s saying he is unable or unwilling to continue to be the sole breadwinner. You therefore have two choices - stay married and contribute financially or divorce and pay for yourself.

AfraidToRun · 25/04/2025 23:14

what are your retirement plans?

outerspacepotato · 25/04/2025 23:17

Position wanted: Unpaid Lady Bountiful looking for paid position. I am a SAHM and my lovely children are in school. My husband has gotten a bee in his bonnet about "the economy" and is asking me to go to work to bring home some money. I have experience with children, running a household, and doing good deeds. No, no massages!

BigHeadBertha · 25/04/2025 23:18

It's pathetic how many women on here seem to think caring for three children and a home is freeloading and "not working" and that it's "his" money. That's not how it works so those of who do this really need to check their misogyny.

The children having their own parent at home also has extra value above money anyway. And after paying someone to do your JOB at home, you likely wouldn't come out ahead anyway, after taxes and miscellaneous expenses.

The helping out friends and volunteering is extra of course but you ALREADY put in more than full time hours at home. So if your husband wants you to get a SECOND job, perhaps you should tell him that HE could just as easily do that.

Thegreyhound · 25/04/2025 23:19

Missedp · 25/04/2025 19:24

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Did you know that some women look after their children, clean their house AND work actual minimum wage jobs. Crazy isn’t it.
As well as coming across as precious you also sound very naive. If your husband ever decides to leave what the hell will you do ???

Ph3 · 25/04/2025 23:20

Zone2NorthLondon · 25/04/2025 23:03

Youve Done the stretch tasks out, name and list the task as if it’s really arduous to make what you do sound gruelling and time consuming

You don’t need all that faff over all that time,but you do it because the time is available to you

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That is your opinion. Which if it is how you want to run your household of course it’s ok. Not how I want to run mine. And that’s my prerogative. My point is not all stay at home mums have a lot of free time. I also completed a masters that took 2 years (not the whole time I was a stay at home mum mind you!) so what I’m trying to say is that you assume mums have free time once the kids are at school and I’m showing you that not all do!

WhatsOpp · 25/04/2025 23:22

BigHeadBertha · 25/04/2025 23:18

It's pathetic how many women on here seem to think caring for three children and a home is freeloading and "not working" and that it's "his" money. That's not how it works so those of who do this really need to check their misogyny.

The children having their own parent at home also has extra value above money anyway. And after paying someone to do your JOB at home, you likely wouldn't come out ahead anyway, after taxes and miscellaneous expenses.

The helping out friends and volunteering is extra of course but you ALREADY put in more than full time hours at home. So if your husband wants you to get a SECOND job, perhaps you should tell him that HE could just as easily do that.

If OP has permitted a situation when her DH doesn’t represent a father figure for their children and she is the only one parenting, that is crap role modelling SAHP or not.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 25/04/2025 23:22

If your kids are in school you are not a SAHM you are quite simply unemployed.

Zone2NorthLondon · 25/04/2025 23:22

using capitals for emphasis doesn’t make point any more valid
Housewife isn’t a job, it’s a set of task that is frequently over described and embellished as if it’s arduous and gruelling. When isn’t
Mental load? We all carry the mental load of being a parent, it’s not unique to housewife’s. Except working mums carry the dual mental load of working and being a parent

babyproblems · 25/04/2025 23:23

PullTheBricksDown · 25/04/2025 19:27

Cost it up. Work out how much childcare for 3 would cost, cleaner etc, and then what wage you'd bring in, and show him. Don't forget to mention that of course you'd save money if he took on more of the above tasks as well.

This

CleverButScatty · 25/04/2025 23:23

Zone2NorthLondon · 25/04/2025 21:26

Agree, working mums are unnecessarily berated

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I think its all mums and it's quite misogynistic...'a woman's place is in the wrong' no matter what choices she makes there will be those who criticise.

Thegreyhound · 25/04/2025 23:23

BigHeadBertha · 25/04/2025 23:18

It's pathetic how many women on here seem to think caring for three children and a home is freeloading and "not working" and that it's "his" money. That's not how it works so those of who do this really need to check their misogyny.

The children having their own parent at home also has extra value above money anyway. And after paying someone to do your JOB at home, you likely wouldn't come out ahead anyway, after taxes and miscellaneous expenses.

The helping out friends and volunteering is extra of course but you ALREADY put in more than full time hours at home. So if your husband wants you to get a SECOND job, perhaps you should tell him that HE could just as easily do that.

This is such crap. Being a SAHM is a life of luxury. It is in no sense a job. I look back on maternity leave as a golden time. People who say looking after young children all day is hard are not wrong but working is harder