DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

I was at stay at home mum. 3 kids and a 5 bedroom house. Monday to Friday all I did was admin, clean, iron, school run, food shop, all kids plus husband had packed lunches and also cooked every night (except Fridays) I had some free time (which I used to exercise) but no actual lounge about. Maybe I’m a clean freak (I have been told) but it’s no walk in the park. Of course it’s about priorities I could not change my sheets this week but that would not work for me. There is always something to be done.

OP, I've not RTFT (I can only see the one post from you) and I'm sure others have asked this, but:

-how old are your DC? What sort of childcare provision is available in your area... and would DH be properly contributing towards those costs (and not leaving it all for you to pay)? I'm a single parent with 2DC and work FT, but my childcare costs were insane, and I only stopped the wraparound care for my youngest in Yr 6 and when she was allowed to make her own way to/from school (both my DC are NT, which of course helps), but it was a hard slog.
-would your DH be prepared to properly share the parenting (so, sharing taking time off work when DC are ill, sharing school runs etc instead of leaving it all to you) and housework etc if you were to go back to FT work? I've seen a lot of situations where this does't happen!
-do you have any qualifications/a previous career path that you can rejoin? Or is there any training that you can do in the meantime to get yourself in to a position where you have better employment prospects?

Your DH isn't unreasonable to talk to you about you going back to work, but has he thought through the logistics? My Dad worked FT and my Mum was an SAHP from just before I was born (she ran a nursery before that and when my two older siblings were at school). I'm one of four siblings. Mum being an SAHP enabled my Dad to really advance in his career/earning potential (which included a lot of international travel etc), whilst knowing that us DC and the house were sorted...but it was a joint decision and they were a great team: Dad paid into a pension for her (and into savings/current accounts that were in her own name); He made sure she had property/assets in her own name; He also ensured that if there were courses she wanted to do, she could access them, along with her keeping up with hobbies/seeing friends and enabling her to take trips away to see family overseas (so she wasn't chained to the home, so to speak); He also made it very plain that were it not for Mum doing so much at home, then it wouldn't have been possible for him to progress like he did; When he was home, he shared the parenting and did a lot to help Mum in/around the house (and helped with supporting other family members too); If Mum was ill, Dad would take time off work (or WFH) to look after us DC.

He’ll have to work
harder at home.

A SAHM to your 3 kids? But not mentioning their ages in your OP?

I'd guess they're in school then and YABU.

Wow ! You party animal !

This.

what if he decides to quit working and be SAHP? Why should he bear the entire burden?

It's not, "just because", though.
OP manages the children, is presumably the one deaing with any school emergencies/illnesses/appts, as well as looking after the home/shopping/cooking/admin. Having one parent available regularly without having to use up leave, otherwise beg off work, is invaluable. .

Think what you like, you're going to anyway. At no point have I said women shouldn't disagree or argue, or should be 'niiiiiice' 🙄 if you actually knew me you'd know how funny that is. 😂 There's a big difference between robust debate and the kind of immature personal sneering I've seen on this thread, from others as well as yourself.

Haven't RTFT.

BUT: As someone who has unfortunately become divorced after being in a rubbish marriage I am very grateful I had my job to help see me through. Not only the support of colleagues, but the money I can put towards building a new life for myself.

My mother, and many women I know, always told me to have an emergency fund put aside in case the shit hits the fan. You could be hereaved, you could be abused, you could find yourself, through no fault of your iwn, without a home, or your marriage could end through infidelity, substance abuse, all kinds of crappy ways. If you rely on your husband for your income and he loses his job, what then? You must have at least a part-time job and contribute because you do not know what the future holds.

If the marriage IS a true team, why is he going out to earn whilst you stay at home with the children? Aren't you BOTH responsible for them?

Now I have gone through a huge bump in the road and I agree, women need to work, for insurance, self-worth and in many cases, for making a small difference. If you can farm out certain tasks, do, because everyone else is! And that creates jobs for even more women. I can't see a thing wrong with that, actually.

Listen I am a 52 year old feminist who fights to the point of losing people. Including, sady, last weekend. I lost my DD to the TRA's. She wants nothing to do with me unless I totally change my views. Yes I am GC.

But you are not doing yourself, or indeed any of us, any favours.

This kind of comment is exactly the sort of crap that the haters pull out against us. And who can blame them when we hand them such an easy weapon by fighting amongst ourselves?

You are alienating the very women who would stand beside and behind you, expcept that you are pushing them away claiming that only you truly understands feminism. That only your vision of feminism is the right one.

In your own way, you are as bad as the TRA's and the haters.

Other women who have had children will have invariably been on mat leave so don’t patronise people who now work suggesting we don’t know what being at home with children 24/7 is like.

You seem to be confusing 2 debates. This is not about is being a SAHP valued. This is within a marriage/partnership 1 party feeling the other is not contributing equally. The point at which children are at school and someone is doing volunteer work suggests they have free time beyond being a SAHP.

As has been repeated, maybe the partner would like to reduce hours and OP getting a PT MW job would enable that.

What is wrong with that suggestion? What an earth does it have to do with SAHM?

Exactly.

Just like that bullshit that they are nurse, chef, chauffeur, bookkeeper etc all rolled into one.

I thought that, the OP throws the hand grenade, fucks off and watches the bun fight unfold...

@PyongyangKipperbang In your own way you’re rambling & incoherent making a personal attack. To vociferously make your point. That’s a lot of words with no actual content.

If so far you’ve split your dual responsibilities as parents - direct care and providing financially so your children can eat etc - it’s reasonable to revisit this split now the children are at school.

Work out what you’d be doing for work and so what he’d need to do in addition to paid work eg half the school runs etc. Everybody’s routine is going to change a little. Be honest but don’t engage in the silly hyperbole that sees people refer to paying the car insurance via setting up a direct debit in 2018 as ‘life admin’.

Also give some thought to your own plans to increase your job prospects.

I imagine there’s little point engaging with the poster who thinks working parents don’t make lunches or change the sheets weekly and that these basic tasks are evidence of her high standards……

I’ve found I’m unable since going back full time but the house just gets dirty and untidy if others don’t muck in

If you can afford to live well on one income, I don't see why he is putting pressure on you to work. Sounds like it suits you and your family as a whole, and your kids are happy and in a great routine. I went back to work when my oldest was 6 and it was HARD. I continued to be the one carrying all the mental load of shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, school related stuff, extra curricula related stuff, birthday parties, haircuts, dentist, hospital appointments, swimming lessons etc etc etc plus working full time. Some evenings were like a military operation organising complex and clashing pick ups and drop offs with childminder, mum friends and my own mum.

I know that is the reality for a lot of woman, but if you don't have to do it and don't want to do it, then don't. Go back to work when they are a bit older and you are ready. My youngest was quite little when I went back and she found it hard initially. Luckily I was able to find a fantastic childminder who came to our home. Work out your costs. Childcare is expensive. Your house will not run in the same way when you are working. I suspect your DH doesn't see and appreciate all you do at the moment.

Right back atcha Queen Word Salad!

You need to sit down and make a spreadsheet or put pen to paper and work out what money will be coming in and what will go out if you work full time compared to part time. I'd also have a frank conversation about division of labour. Simply put if you are working full time then he would need to do his share of pick ups and or drop offs. Funding of breakfast club and after school needs to be a shared cost. Also things like cooking, cleaning, keeping on top of kids homework and all school related stuff would need to be shared if it isn't already. If kids are sick then he would need to take time off too because his job shouldn't take precedence just because he earns more.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go back to work, I've never not worked so that would be alien to me but when it comes to your family you should be on the same team. That doesn't have to mean you both do the same chores but you both still need to actively contribute (financially, physically and or mentally)to your family.

If her entire income is additional (they already have money over from his salary) why on earth would you need hire a cleaner to buy sometime back?

Hate to break it to you but I’m a high earner which means I have arguably more flex to do all the things you describe - and it’s shared. It’s not “invaluable” to me. No single person is doing that in my household and how do people manage when it’s 2 working?

Some women like to think no high earning job could possibly offer this. Wrong. It’s because your DH either hasn’t asked for it or it’s a way some (not all) females justify being SAHM.

I will reiterate being a SAHM is a great thing and when it works for the family - great. What’s happened here is partner is saying it’s no longer working for him. And half of MN is deaf to it.

Activities fit the time available. you had probably somewhere in the region of 25-30 hours a week when the children were at school outside of the school run.
of your list packed lunches and evening meal would be outside of that time. Food shop is once a week and about an hour, say, two maximum.
So you spent 25-30 hours a week doing admin, cleaning and ironing because you could and wanted to. If you had to work for financial reasons, you would miraculously fit the admin into a lunch break and the bullk of the cleaning into half an hour every evening and a bit of a blitz on a weekend and decide only to iron a few things. And of course once your children get older they can help with jobs too - so they can strip and remake their own bed, for example.

I suspect that after she’s dropped her kids off at school, done a single load of washing and fucked off round to help her family and friends, she forgets to appreciate all her husband is doing to allow her to do that.

I have spoken with many mums working outside the home saying they feel like failures on some level about something family/dc related constantly.
I've worked with mums always tired, using up annual leave for dc illness, late for work due to crisis at home, dragging themselves to work after being up with poorly dc all night etc... caring for family is hard. Working is hard. But, it's not a competition. And no one regrets missed days at work on their death bed, but there's always regret about missed family time.

Youve Done the stretch tasks out, name and list the task as if it’s really arduous to make what you do sound gruelling and time consuming

You don’t need all that faff over all that time,but you do it because the time is available to you