DH wants me to get a job

[Missedp]

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

Really? Did you miss the Jealous posts? Take a look @BatchCookBabe posts

Sensing a lot of jealousy from some people on here!

If there's a fair split of chores, childcare, and everything else that is currently done entirely by OP, maybe it's not a bad idea for her to get a job. However, if OP's husband has spent most or all of his married life with a wife taking care of everything that's not his job, he's probably not expecting to have to take on any extra work at home. He's probably also underestimating how much time and effort it takes to keep everything running smoothly.

OP's quality of life is important, too. If she'd had a job this whole time, she'd probably be earning more or in a job that she'd enjoy more than what she's likely to get, now. Instead, she agreed to raise the kids and run the house, in addition to helping older family members. It's not fair to force her to change horses midstream without having a good reason for it. If the amount she brings in isn't significant, is it really worth it to have her feel stretched?

I'd tell him it's something the two of you need to think about seriously before making a decision. Weigh up the pros and cons and discuss how chores and responsibilities would be split. If he thinks everything will stay the same, except having more money in the bank, he's mistaken.

I wasn't sure if it was a sarcastic post or a Mumsnet competitive martyr post...

There we are ! The J word

I'm also wondering how many family members need care. I think that they're from the OP's family rather than her DH's. That might affect his attitude, I'm afraid.

This is not about money.

Its about him feeling that you are working together towards a shared goal. He mentioned savings but it could have been about a second home or better pensions or a kitchen extension.

The fact is that right now he is working and earning to facilitate you living the dream. You are happy and fulfilled and the fact that he has brought this up, suggests that he isnt.

So I would start the conversation by asking whether he is happy, and if he isnt (he isnt), why. Is it really about savings or is he unhappy in his job but feels pressure to stay in it to sustain his wife and family's lifestyle, for example.

Then you dont say that you dont want to do paid work, because that is frankly selfish. You are already working, so why the hell not monetise the work in a different area to home and volunteering? Make a new plan. Perhaps he stops chasing the big job (there is always a bigger job to aim for) and you earn too. Just that lifting that pressure on him could make a huge difference to your marriage. It may not make that much of a difference in practical terms on his working life, but the knowledge that he isnt carrying the whole financial burden himself will change so much. Its not "me" anymore, its "us". You may well find that it creates a new emotional intimacy between you as there is a more equal level of mutual respect. Sounds like there isnt much respect on either side, more expectation on yours and resentment on his.

When one partner is happy and ignores the fact that the other isnt, the end is inevitable. Do you want your marriage to end? Because "No I wont go back to work, I am happy as I am" is as destructive as what my ex said to me before we divorced "I dont know why you are unhappy, because I am fine so its your problem to solve." So I did, with a Decree Absolute. He may well solve this his way, possibly (no means defintiely, but it is a risk) including with a woman who is happy to work and pay her own way.......

Not saying any of this to have a go, but because this is the reality of life. Why do you think you read so often on MN of SAHM's being left for a younger woman with a good career?

She had to factor in retirement too.

The one at 21:06 is clear not all are jealous, but the ones spouting awful comments must be.
What else could it be?

One person called OP lazy.
I just went back one page..

Read back a few pages. @BatchCookBabe and @Zone2NorthLondon being awful to each other… but the jealous working mum jibe came out first.

Awful? I fear not
See a tired tropes about working, hell yea I’ll challenge that

Do the sums, remind him that he'll need more flexibility at work to do his share if pickups, dropoffs and emergency days off for a sick child and then see if its worth it. Mainly you need to have the time to access some training to earn more in the future. And are you as a couple paying into a pension for you?

Jointly paying each other pension contributions? How novel. Will she pay into his pension pot.
Or perhaps pay additional private health contributions for all the stress he’s endured as sole earner

Every time I read a thread like this, it makes me feel sad how utterly the choice of being a SAHM has been devalued, as well as how much glee some women seem to feel at tearing down other women's lifestyle choices. On a site that's supposed to be supportive of women. Is this really what's feminism's meant to look like?

What pits us (women, I mean) against each other?
(maybe too big to discuss here?)
I think it all goes back to one simple thing: patriarchy
Keep us fighting with each other instead of against the forces that keep us (all women) down.

I would feel like you.
But I think being sole breadwinner must also be stressful. Maybe he'd like to work a four day week or something?

Is he asking you to work full time (possibly unreasonable)? Or part time during school hours instead of volunteering (seems reasonable).

I think you'd need to look at the reality of what life would be like if you worked. It's obviously not realistic to do everything you currently do as well as work, but the same is true for him. Would he be stepping up to do 50% of all the childcare, life admin and housework?

Your post drips patriarch why can’t all the little women just be nice. Stop fighting it’s so ungainly. Let’s not have women having pesky opinions
To be clear women having strongly held opinion and defending them is not fighting. It’s women having opinions

dont demean and diminish women strongly having opinion. You see that is the very embodiment of patriarchy to dismiss women as fighting

He’s had 10 years of supporting you maybe he could stay at home and you could go out to work. Take turns.

If you have time to be a local volunteer then you probably have time to get a paid job instead 🤷‍♀️.

Also I didn’t realise we had to get a cleaner if we go to work! 🙄

I dont think "accelerating your savings" is a good reason to give up a happy life that works for you and your family. Talk it through. YANBU.

Evidently it doesn’t work fit for the family, her husband is unhappy, it’s not a universally happy arrangement

I have been both a SAHM and a WOHM. I value both.

But, the decision to have one parent run the home and the other pay the bills should be a joint one. He wants to change their dynamic and she is refusing as she has her life just how she wants it with no regard to his feelings or pressures. It is a sea change and that will require understanding on his side, not least because he will have to do what he probably hasnt had to do for years, such as house work, childcare etc. But that doesnt mean that it shouldnt happen at all.

As I mentioned above, my ex did this. He was happy, if I wasnt then that was my problem. So I left him. As it stands, the OP stands a very good chance of that happening to her if she continues to totally disregard his feelings.

They can talk and find a middle way that suits them both, but it sounds like she isnt open to that. I wonder how she will pay the bills if he does up and leave .......

I'm not. ?
I don't mean that at all.
I do think we're fighting each other needlessly, though, when we could be supportive of the choices of others.

Why can't a woman stay home if she wants to care for children/home?
Why do working women have to struggle with employers over leave to look after dc? Seek lower paying work ? etc etc iyswim?

Do you have a hobby?

@WearyAuldWumman good point. That info is relevant as well l think. Maybe he values it less if it’s her family, rather than his

Could you set up on your own doing what you did pre kids? I did this and earn more than Dh now